Well that has confirmed it, well sort of..

I am now on my period, since what i thought was a miscarriage.. but today i have passed quite a few blood clots including the 2 i passed about an hour ago.
One was about 2inches long other was about the size of my thumb nail.. including a couple of small ones and some down the toilet..


This i thought cant be normal... but then remembered about how i was feeling last night, so i googled some questions to see if i could find the answers, and eventually i came across Bupa.


I am in the miscarriage section, and i have been reading the symptoms.. 


Symptoms of miscarriage

The most common symptom of a miscarriage is bleeding from your vagina. This can vary from light spotting to bleeding that is heavier than your period. You may see blood clots or a brown discharge. You can also have cramps and pain in your abdomen (tummy), pelvis or back.

Some people don’t have any symptoms and their miscarriage may only be discovered in a routine scan.

I remember complaining of back and pelvis pain and i wasnt feeling very well on top of it all, as i had to cancel on a friend to go out clubbing for their birthday..

Following reading the webpage a little bit more, i came across the "types of miscarriage"

Types of miscarriage

There are different types of miscarriage as described below.

Threatened miscarriage. This is when you have bleeding early in your pregnancy and your cervix (the opening to your womb) is tightly closed. Your pregnancy is likely to continue if an ultrasound scan shows the heartbeat of your developing baby.

Inevitable miscarriage. This is when you have bleeding early in your pregnancy and your cervix is open, which means your pregnancy will be lost.

Incomplete miscarriage. This is when a miscarriage has started but there is still some tissue left in your womb. Your cervix is usually open.

Complete miscarriage. This means that your pregnancy has been lost. Your womb is empty and your cervix has closed.

Delayed or missed miscarriage. This means that although your developing baby has died, you haven’t had any bleeding and didn’t lose any tissue straight away

After experiencing and seeing what i saw tonight, i have a feeling that i have or am in the middle of an Incomplete Miscarriage..

Check out the link here.. Miscarriage information on Bupa.

Who knows, one day i will be lucky and have a normal pregnancy, no more miscarriages and hopefully will not result into having another ectopic.

GoneTooSoon

Lately i have noticed some new comments..

I just thought i would write a little blog about a website called GoneTooSoon..

I have my own page on there that i dedicated to my ectopic.. i also have one for my pets

Looking for a memorial page of your own? then i would suggest signing up for Gone too soon!!
Gorgeous site, and lots of themes to be used.

I Feel Numb..

Its 02:51 the time i started to write this..

This time last year i was sitting up at this time because i was in agony with what i thought was just "trapped wind" from stress, as i was being picked on few days previous..
Sitting here now i am shivvering and shaking with the thought of what happened and what i went through, including feel sick.

I do not understand how i managed to go through all this and i do not know why i am still here.

When i think of all that i went through it makes me feel numb and empty, as if it was just a dream and nothing really happened, when clearly i know it did.

http://baby-osman-hoad.gonetoosoon.org/

I really do wish that this never happened.. the ectopic part! i really wanted to have my baby!

At times i feel like i am half a woman, because i lost my left fallopian tube with my baby.. so unfair!

14.03.2011

This time last year it was Mothers Day in the UK.

I'd spent the day with my other half and his kids as his ex was ill and unable to look after them, which wasnt too bad, we had spent the afternoon in town and did a bit of shopping before coming back to the house.
The youngest had gone to stay with her grandparents as my other half at the time was looking after the eldest of the two.
We were happily playing in the lounge with his Power Ranger toys before i put him to bed to sleep.. i then went and sat alone in the lounge and watched telly.
Within an hour of being in there, i moved and felt like i had pulled a muscle in my side, so i went to tell him what happened... this was around 10/11pm at night.
It wasnt until the next day that i had realised the pain i felt that night was only the start of my ectopic.


I feel absolutely sick today, the thought of last year makes me feel weird as if i am about to fall into a hole, my heart skips a beat, its a very odd feeling..
I am not sure on how to take any of this, today or how to take it tomorrow! i just feel so empty

I guess i just cant believe that its been a year since all this happened and just cant get over how much it has changed my life.


Really, i wish things were different so that i wouldnt have to feel this way, but that now cannot be changed no matter how much i wish..

Apart of me wishes i knew if my baby was going to be a boy or a girl.. or at least if there was any way i would had known!
Might put my mind at ease..


I really do wish i could get a tattoo to represent,

My Angel, My Billie..!!

Whom was only apart of me for a short a while, but will spend a lifetime in my heart

Time is closing in on me...

or at least its pretty much how i feel.

Its been almost a year now, since my Ectopic and the closer to the date im getting the more anxious i am becoming.
Never before have i had to deal with this kind of emotion (which would explain why i have not shown much)
I dont know what to do, how to feel or anything.

My baby, i lost.. my baby i wanted, but why havent i shown any emotion! why have i just carried on as if nothing had ever happened, when i know it did because i still rub my belly and i feel my scars (often)!!!

Am i normal, because i dont feel it!
I get upset about it, but then it just blows over i am constantly overwhelmed with the thought of the date coming up and i have no idea how to approach it or what will happen when it comes...

Year after year, since i was old enough to learn and understand about my sister, Kimberley.. i mourned her, and i write her poems and think about her too,
She was still born 25 weeks into pregnancy, when this happened i was 3, so at the time i didnt fully understand until i grew older.

Maybe, i might end up feeling the same when years have passed and i fully understand?? i dont know.. i wish i did and i wish i had someone to talk to, open up to maybe that might help explain why i feel the way i do i dont know.

People expect me to brush it under the carpet and leave it and never look back - am i doing that now?!

I know i never got to see him/her but they were still apart of me and grew inside me for 3 months fallopian tube or not.

My partner has no idea how i am feeling or anything because he feels like it something i shouldnt dwell on, but he doesnt seem to realise that he already has kids with previous relationships he doesnt know how it feels to want something so much and then to loose it all in the shut of an eye..

Am i being selfish for cradling the thought of what could have been?

All these questions, yet no answers for any of them, its not fair!

A Gorgeous Poem I Found On A Blog

These are my footprints,

so perfect and so small.

These tiny footprints

never touched the ground at all.

Not one tiny footprint,

for now I have wings.

These tiny footprints were meant

for other things.

You will hear my tiny footprints,

in the patter of the rain.

Gentle drops like angel's tears,

of joy and not from pain.

You will see my tiny footprints,

in each butterflies' lazy dance.

I'll let you know I'm with you,

if you just give me the chance.

You will see my tiny footprints,

in the rustle of the leaves.

I will whisper names into the wind,

and call each one that grieves.

Most of all, these tiny footprints,

are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.

'Cause even though I'm gone now,

We'll never truly part.

I found this poem on another blog, http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/ and i fell in love with it, it was so lovely and powerful and meant a little something to me, so i felt that i should share it with you, if those of you haven't heard or read this before.

( I ALSO HOPE THAT I HAVE NOT OFFENDED THE PERSON WHOM OWNS

"TO WRITE THEIR NAMES IN THE SAND http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/ )

Wrong again..

This is a follow up from my last blog i wrote a couple of weeks ago,

in thinking i might be pregnant again...

well i am not!

Yesterday (22nd)

I started what i think is my period yesterday, i have been in a bit of discomfort and feeling disorientated etc.

But have dealt with it, i was going to go to the doctors yesterday and then was going to go today instead, but i do not wish to know if i am experiencing a miscarriage or not, because of what i went through last year has kind of put me off a little bit. even though i know IF i am experiencing another ectopic it could take my life - as i did almost loose it on the operating table!

But still, its something you do not wish to know, sometimes! i already lost one baby, i dont want to know if i am in the process of loosing yet another..

Only thing that is sort of keeping me "sane" is the thought of my baby angel flying high and free amongst the clouds with other special angel babies that God had other plans for etc.

Admittedly, i am gutted i have come on my period, again! i would do anything to have my own family, without having to mother my partners other kids with previous relationships, not that i am saying i dont like them or want to be around them, just it isnt the same.. i guess..

Suppose, only time will tell...

If Things Were Different..

If things were different you would be here now
If things were different i would be holding you close
If things were different you would be 4months old..
If things were different i would be watching you grow
If things were different my life would have some meaning
If things were different i would had known if you was my baby boy or my baby girl

People say "things happen for a reason" ...Still dont know what MY reason was...

Still, in some respects i cant complain a great deal, because i nearly lost my life, although sometimes i wish i had lost it, all because of what i had to go through all the pain, the blood tests internal scans and exams everything.. i had all that done for nothing - well seems to feel like nothing!
No one has helped me nor have they offered, when i woke up in hospital after my operation my mum, dad sister and her boyfriend and my uncle was there.. which was great!!
But no one offered any kind of support whilst i was sitting in the ward, except for a woman whom was leaving that day who offered me her tv card so i could watch telly..
I just cant get over it, what did i ever do that was so wrong to result into this...??

Still, i am never gonna find out the answer now!


I just hope i never have to go through that, again!

xx Happy Valentines Day xx

Happy Valentines Day, Billie!!

This red rose is for my precious little angel Billie
I dont care if people say i am silly
Your always be my baby even though your in spirit
But when i talk to you i know your hear it
Thinking of you today which is nothing new
I feel so empty and useless without you
Give me strength to fight each day
Heal my breaking heart in any way
Your always be special to me
Even though I been left to be


Ok that poem wasnt so great, but it is hard to find the words to express myself when i am feeling so low, not because of my ectopic, not because of valentines day, but just due to the fact where i wish i knew where i went wrong and how i could had fixed or prevented it.. Things have been pretty tough, but i feel ashamed to talk about it and mention it because no one cares nor are people interested.
I know i post out on here, which again i shouldnt but i needed something where i could let of steam a little..
Plus, as regards to my previous post, its been a year since i found out i was pregnant, almost a year before you was taken from me.. (even if you did try to take me with you)


I just dont know whats going on with me personally, because i am still waiting my period! am i being blessed with a baby, or yet another angel?
Or just generally over reacting and nothing is wrong with me at all (even though people say i have menopause... I am only 23)


Ohhhhhh i dont know, i just need to scream and let off some steam me thinks!!

Almost A Year Later..

It was around this time last year that i found out i was pregnant...

And it was awful... not finding out i am pregnant, that was excellent learning i was gonna be a mummy...
but finding out i was having an ectopic was just unfair..

Things happen for a reason, but i dont know what the reason was for me! and i dont think i will ever learn...
Well, apart from things changing between me and my other half, but that was based upon our rocky relationship anyway, nothing got better for me as i was left wondering and feeling empty and confused..
Some days i was ok, others i would just realise that i never gonna be a mummy

Angel Mummy... i have settled for! and either way, its not so bad, just i dont get to do the things real mummys do! :(

There isnt a moment that goes by that i think of "what could had been" and wondering what she/he would had looked like, and how things would be different now!

But, this is where it gets confusing...

My periods, have been regular since the ectopic, never missed one been 1-2 days late or 1-2 days early, but thats it.
I am now 12 days late for my period...
Am i pregnant?
Is my body playing tricks on me?
Am i gonna have another ectopic??
- these are the questions that i am firing at myself in the back of my mind.. But i have now taken 3 pregnancy tests, one faint positive, other 2 negative!
(I even took pictures of the first two together because you could see the other line)

Reasons to why it is confusing me is this...
Last Year...
Last period - 28th-30th December 2009
Next period - 28th January 2010
Due Date - 6th October 2010

This year
Last Period - 27th-30th December 2010
Next Period - 27th January 2011
Due Date - 5th October 2011        (IF PREGNANT)

Maybe i am just being over reactive... but it is weird, especially to me!!

But then again, last year on the 6th feb i had started spotting, which lead onto bleeding which ended up being suspected miscarriage/ectopic! and well i dont have anything like that, nor i do i really have any symptoms!
- i feel dizzy at times, my back hurts at times, i feel sick on and off, i am tired all the time (but thats nothing new) i get tummy cramps and i also feel as thought something inside me is tightening and clenching... and i feel like i am about to come on so i rush to toilet and nothing there! including having itchy nipples and tingling sensations

All of what i am feeling now pretty much i never had last year, and what i had last year i do not have this year...
Thinking about it, i am probably just paranoid.. and thinking somethings gonna happen, when it probably wont! but it is still very worrying, well to me anyway!
I not really spoke to anyone about this either, except mentioning it to my mum and partner and a friend!

Who knows, apart of me thinks that my body is playing tricks on me, as if it was a way for Billie to let me know she/he is around and watching over me.. making sure i dont forget, who knows!!

Could It Be....?

Last night i was sitting up in a great deal amount of pain, not as bad as i had felt with the ectopic, but enough to scare the living daylights out of me.
For the last week since i have had my monthly, i have had lots of strange feelings in my tummy, including pains and discomfort in my left side.. area! Its been awful.
Few days ago, i had a deepish fluttering like throbbing sensation in my left hip.. i could even pinpoint where it was and feel the sensations.. it was so weird!
not long after i had got this weird feeling in my tummy, well underneath my belly button in my bikini line area i had a fluttering like tightening sensation, as  if something inside me had grabbed me!

I have also had the sensations on and off in the day today, they seemed to have eased off a bit tonight though, but i cant do anything until monday when i get to go to the doctors..
I got to go anyway because i need to sort out my meds..

But this has got me worried quite a bit =(

Hopefully it aint nothing tooo serious, and something easily fixed!

Did upset me though, as it kinda bought back memories of my ectopic i had in March!

My Ectopic Pregnancy

This is the picture to try and show the size of what i had removed the day i had the surgery, thought it would more realisitc than having a 50p instead lol
I estimated that the size would had been an inch and a half at least..
I still keep thinking about that day, but it just seems to hurt so much because it kinda feels like a dream?
As if it never happened, but i know it did because i do actually lay in bed or lay in the bath and i rub my tummy .. and talk to myself!
I even rub the scars on my bikini line, because they still often hurt from time to time - just a sort of like aching feeling when i am thinking about it.. nothing major.. well it cant really be major, it has been now over 7 months since February/March time..!
Still cant believe it happened, and still cant believe i actually managed to learn i was pregnant!! even if it was for 12 short weeks!!
I know alot of people say its silly for "dragging it on" or thinking about it constantly, but it difficult this time, because i know i was pregnant! :(
I am pretty sure i have had a couple of miscarriages before, but never said anything to anyone.. it aint like anyone could stop it from happening, is it!?
Still, least i go to bed knowing that my angel is always with me, living inside my heart :)

" Coping Skills "

Today was the first official session of Coping Skills..

All we talked about was ways of helping me sleep, and things which could stop me from sleeping.

So now i have some 'homework' to do, so i am going to start trying it out tonight, although i am pretty tired from the bad night last night, so i might just get off to sleep ok with out no worries, if i do then i am going to cry!!

But then again, i do have my ipod - that kind of helps.. because i can relax myself and take my mind off things by editing photos or playing games on it..

I had a panic before i left, as i was tired from bad night sleep and constant waking etc. and stressing about what happened in the evening didnt really help matters..

So i didnt actually get out of bed and do something until almost 1pm.. and then finally got ready to leave for 13:30.. until got to the bus stop and saw the buses were up shoot :( 3 buses went past to chichester, but nothing going to Bognor i was like argh.. noo!! i text my friend in a panic but thankfully a bus finally came, as i would had been fooked if i couldn't had got there because of no transport :(

But it turned out ok in the end, just as soon as i got out though i started shaking and felt very light headed as if i was going to faint.. but i didnt i just stood there shivvering as it was soo bloody cold today!! i cant wear anything too heavy under neath my coat/jacket, so i wear a vest top so i dont sweat soo much..

But, i didnt realise it would end up being almost freezing at 3pm lol i wish i had taken a scarf to be honest!!

I need to buy a file to keep all my informations together, so i don't loose it and its all together and i can flick back and forth to stuffs also!

So i guess it would be kinda like going back to school lol

Also mentioned about something i forgot last week to mention was help to get over my ectopic pregnancy because i dont think i can do it on my own, considering it has now been nearly 7months and i just genuinely cannot get it off my mind or stop thinking about and worrying about the way things could've have been.. especially wanting to have been able to have my baby, and wondering how my life would be like with him/her in my life etc.

But i was told i would need counselling through my GP for that, or support groups.. or i could look into the internet for help and talk about it amongst people in similar situations etc.

So i can either wait for the end of my coping skills sessions to work out what would be best, or i can go to my GP or just find support myself..!

..Would had thought that apart of these sessions would be help towards coping with the loss of my baby.. but apparently not!

Well i got go doctors next week to sort out my Anti Depressants, and sort out few bits... so i might as well mention it then!

Lets hope that something or someone can help.. i have had counselling before, but this time it would be for a different reason...!

Hmmm.. I Wonder...

Ok.. I know it has now been 7months now since the operation and stuff.. but i just cant help but think..

.. does the baby still grow in your tube/ovary etc. like a "normal" pregnancy...? like getting all the fetal developments etc.
Because i do know that some people have had the chance to listen to their babies heart beat - even having an Ectopic pregnancy - which i unfortunately never got to experience.. But i keep thinking about what my mum had told me after the operation and what exactly they removed.. and how big!!

Again, this is something i dont know what to do about because it has been 7months and there isnt really a great deal i can do about it, i guess?
But it would be nice to know, or even have some idea of what the sex was etc. because it can start to show cant it...?

But then.. thinking about that they dont want people to dwel on it, well i am sorry .. but people do! and that cannot be helped when they've technically lost a baby!!
I keep getting told off for thinking about what i had and lost, and i dont know why! even though it was Ectopic.. it was still growing inside me with my flesh and blood... right??

So, i thought i would take it upon myself to look and read what the 12week mark in pregnancy entails and what the baby would've looked like - and whether it would still look similar or the same... partly only reason i looked today was thinking about the size they took away..

and it is about the size of a 50p piece

But i do not have one at my size to measure

So i measured the gap in between the size of what i was told and it is
1.5 Inches...?

i cannot take a picture of me holding the ruler well the large semicircle i used, because my phone doesnt enable the numbers etc. to show! but it hopefully would give you some idea, if any!

This Is A Little Something I Wrote For Billie.. My Angel!

Day after day it plays on my mind

If i am not careful it may make me blind

I cant really get over what i done

It hard when you were no bigger than my thumb

I really hoped my chance had come

But God took you away up to his home

To blue skies rainbows and lots of fun

It hurts me when i was meant to become your mum

My chance was taken away from me so quick

Didnt even enable me much of a chance to think

I knew you were not growing in my womb

But i shouldn't had made that decision so soon

Nothing will change how i wanted you here

For nothing had ever been confirmed till this year

Instead i hope you look down on me up above

And praise your mummy with your love

Because i will love you to the day i die

Nothing or no one can change this, wanna know why?

Because you ARE my Baby, An Angel in fact!

The reasons for writing this is because where i had the Methotrexate injection, to avoid surgery I missed my final blood test, for failing to get to the hospital with no money nor transport and no one was willing to help me out, so i left it. It wasn't until i put my phone on and picked up my answer phone messages was when my Gynechologist and doctor had been trying to ring me as was important and had been trying to get me to go to the hospital.

* reason phone was off was due to some idiot harassing me*

Well in a way it didnt matter in the end, because failing to get my last bloods done, my fallopian tube had ruptured at the end of Mothers Day (14th March 2010)

So ended up in hospital the next day dosed up on Morphine...

It was horrible i couldnt believe it was happening to me, the Gynechologist and my doctor gave me positive results on phone with my bloods saying there is a chance it a normal pregnancy, despite the scans showing nothing in my womb...

Was kinda an awful experience, even thinking about it now makes me feel sad and wish i could've done something better for my baby, instead of signing a consent form to give them my baby for science...

I was on my own at this point with forms being thrown at me and having to sign everything (mum was on phone) so i just signed stuff.. i couldn't really read it properly due to the morphine, and fact that they was rushing around me because i was due to go into theatre that minute!

Just wish i could've done something for my very tiny angel!

Admittedly, i was only 12 weeks gone, but 12weeks is still a long time, espeecially to me! plus my baby had my flesh, my blood.. no matter WHAT!!!

Still, to this day i still wonder if there was ANYTHING i could've done better...