Sunday, 31 August 2014

Why Do People Avoid Me??

Today, I do what I normally do every sunday, and that is see and spend time with my gorgeous nephew as well as my mum and see my sister.

Well, I mentioned to a 'friend' that I can't wait till I have my own children.. After a couple of smily face messages being shared, I said, "I kinda have one" then quickly followed that up with "Well I do have one :)" I was then asked, if I was pregnant, I sent a picture of my ink and said 'No, I lost my baby'.

These messages were shared around 3pm this afternoon and it is now 23:41 and I haven't heard NOTHING since.. Why do people avoid the subject of loosing a baby??

I aint diseased or anything, I don't open up often and when you think it is safe to, you get ignored. I hate it.. Sometimes, I even hate the fact that I lost my baby more so because it stops people feeling awkward.

Trouble with baby loss and talking about it is that in all fairness no one wants to hear it and it isn't fair. I don't want to mention it to someone to then be ignored..


Friday, 29 August 2014

Babies.... Babies.... They're Everywhere...

I don't know what is wrong with me at the moment, but everywhere I turn there are so many people announcing their pregnant, they've just given birth etc.

I can't take it anymore :( I am not saying I am not happy for them, because I am!! It is just that I see pictures of people's babies/children and it makes me realise that I should have an almost 4 year old wondering around learning new things and teaching them new things etc.

Sometimes, I am ok, I know that what happened would've ended badly which ever scenario I chose.
I think its now, now that I am getting older and still have all of these fears hanging over my shoulders that it is making things feel so much worse, it is hard to explain and I don't even understand things myself sometimes!!

I need to try and work past the fear, I need to try and talk about my problems with someone understanding, I need to try and be brave and stop being negative all the time, but that in itself is a big task and could probably  be a massive challenge!!

Wish I knew what to do, how to cope with it all properly and try and move on...
But HOW?

Friday, 8 August 2014

Hospitals Do Tend To Let You Down......Sometimes!

On Tuesday (5th August) I had an appointment with my doctor regarding hormone tablets that I have had to start taking because there is some problem(s) with my hormones which I have no idea has come from!

I saw her a couple of months or so ago, and she said that she needed to find my discharge letter from the hospital when I had my ruptured ectopic to see if anything was seen when they did the laparoscopic/salpingectomy.

She told me she found the letter, and that it wasn't very helpful, meaning it only had that I was treated with a ruptured ectopic pregnancy and they removed my left tube.

I felt a little gutted, because I had kinda hoped that there had been a little more information, especially since I have seen other people's discharge letters when I have visited them in hospital, and it has made me feel a little let down by the whole situation. Not only was I left on a ward with elderly ladies, no one came to talk to me about my ordeal, and they gave hardly any information for my doctor :(

She did say that it might have been that because it was an emergency operation that they may not have been looking for any problems, meaning they wanted to save my life as I had lost a lot of blood that day, but she did say that if anything had been noticed/seen it would've been noted..

Gotta continue taking this tablets now for the next 6 months at least, and then see how I get on without the tablets - that I am not looking forward too, and it is only like 4 months away!
And until then, she will send me back to the gyneacologist at the hospital - again - no doubt they will want to fit me with another coil :( I will refuse it, it caused me so many problems!!
Just really wanted some answers I guess.. Especially to know why this happened in the first place

Friday, 1 August 2014

Things Have Got To Change...

Today, I had an appointment at our local mental health center for my Borderline Personality Disorder, and I was sorting out with the lady I see with some bits that I needed to sort out, and talk about.

One of the things I forgot to write on my list was talking about the possibility of some kind of counselling. My reasons for asking is because at the time, I never saw anyone and when I tried to open up, make it aware of what an Ectopic can do to you, people had a go at me, saying that I shouldn't talk about things like this as it happens to everyone every day. Or I was told to stop going on about it etc.
In my eyes, I haven't known anyone who experienced an Ectopic pregnancy, and now 4 years on, I still don't know anyone who has had the similar experiences to me.

At this point, I thought about it long and hard and thought I might as well just never mention it again just to keep people happy.. It hurts so much that I have to keep it locked up inside, and never mention it or talk about it, clearly I needed to talk and I needed some kind of reassurance, but was never given anything by so called friends on Facebook.
Looking back, I shouldn't have let things get the way they had done because in all fairness I knew I would need something, but I guess I just had to stay strong because at that time, strong was the only thing I could be, especially since I went through so much in the few weeks up till the date I was rushed into hospital by ambulance.

During my appointment today, I broke down when I admitted that there are so many things that I am scared of and worrying about that need to be addressed. One of which is the fear of having sex, and the fear of getting pregnant again. I don't have any idea what sort of state my right tube is in, I haven't had any thing happen since I had this experience, granted, I have had a few problems "down there" since and sex has been the last thing on my mind, but I really want to be a mummy so bad, it hurts.
This is silly, but my heart aches when I hear my nephew call out for his 'mummum' and watching him grow up into the gorgeous little man is something that I have missed out on because of what happened.

I don't mean to dwell on this, but it is hard when everyone around me is pregnant, getting pregnant or having babies or had babies recently. I am not saying I am not happy for anyone because I am, I am just saying that I am struggling and wish I could just come out and admit it to people, but I can't because I am scared of the reaction that I will get from other people.

My lady that I see, asked what the ectopic is classed as, because obviously people get counselling for different types of losses, and asked if it was put down to a miscarriage, I was like, not really, because it is a complicated experience, and somethings happen, others don't.
But at least someone has agreed to help me in this respect.

I don't want to forget my baby that I lost, my baby will ALWAYS be in my heart no matter what people say. I just wish to be able to 'move on' and stop scaring myself all the time.
Hopefully, I will find out when I have my next appointment on the 27th.