Tuesday, 22 May 2012

It Still Hurts..

It's been well over 2 years now, and even the thought of or talking about having this Ectopic kills me, and breaks my heart all over again.
Yesterday (21st May 2012) I had to have a Cervical Screening Test as I am now 25, and I was talking to the nurse about it all and I even started to cry..
The thought of being pregnant scares me... YES, but this is mainly because I have the one tube left now and knowing that it could happen again does worry me, as it COULD be the last time I'd ever get to be able to conceive..

I still don't even know what could happen after all of this because no one really explained anything to me when it happened, I was stuck on a ward with 3 elderly ladies, and one youngish woman who left the day after I went in.. No one came to talk to me, I felt like I was left to deal with it all.

Really wish that there was a way they could save an Ectopic Pregnancy by moving the baby from the tube etc. into the womb where it's safe!
But I guess thats just something to continue to think and wonder about, perhaps....

Monday, 21 May 2012

I've not posted in a while..

As you can see, I've not written to any of my blogs in a while, this is mainly because like many things, I often loose interest in things, and one of them had been writing to my blogs..
I often do it a lot with any of my writing I try to keep in my notebooks, but again that was something I lost interest in..

I am going to try and write a little more to this blog and my other's too because I have been finding things difficult again at the moment.. Keep wondering what things would've been like, and even watching films with people getting pregnant, having babies upsets me because I am never going to get to feel the same way they did..
The film 9 Months upset me a little.. I know it's only a film, but seeing how happy they are and all the excitement of seeing your baby at the end of it.. I never got that!
All I got was false hopes, and a broken heart.

It's been over 2 years now, and I still feel empty and broken inside, I cannot talk about this with anyone because not many people understand, nor do many people ACTUALLY know what I went through and am going through..
This is mainly because a lot of other people disagree with what I went through, by saying I didn't loose a baby, there was nothing in my tubes etc.

But if that was the case then
WHY did I have a positive pregnancy test
WHY did my tube rupture if nothing was growing inside it
WHY did I endure all this heartache and pain..

But then I guess the people whom haven't lost a baby do not understand or know what it feels like and what goes through your mind when you first see that faint positive result in your home pregnancy test, take another a few days later, and another faint positive, and then another.. With high hopes you go to the doctor with your findings..
Even though it's early stages, you have high hopes for the future and although there is the danger of miscarrying or having an Ectopic, you still start to think about how things are going to change over the 9 months.. Everyone does it!!

I dunno.. Sometimes I  wonder if people are right in what they say about me and to me about what I went through....