Thursday, 10 March 2011

Time is closing in on me...

or at least its pretty much how i feel.

Its been almost a year now, since my Ectopic and the closer to the date im getting the more anxious i am becoming.
Never before have i had to deal with this kind of emotion (which would explain why i have not shown much)
I dont know what to do, how to feel or anything.

My baby, i lost.. my baby i wanted, but why havent i shown any emotion! why have i just carried on as if nothing had ever happened, when i know it did because i still rub my belly and i feel my scars (often)!!!

Am i normal, because i dont feel it!
I get upset about it, but then it just blows over i am constantly overwhelmed with the thought of the date coming up and i have no idea how to approach it or what will happen when it comes...

Year after year, since i was old enough to learn and understand about my sister, Kimberley.. i mourned her, and i write her poems and think about her too,
She was still born 25 weeks into pregnancy, when this happened i was 3, so at the time i didnt fully understand until i grew older.

Maybe, i might end up feeling the same when years have passed and i fully understand?? i dont know.. i wish i did and i wish i had someone to talk to, open up to maybe that might help explain why i feel the way i do i dont know.

People expect me to brush it under the carpet and leave it and never look back - am i doing that now?!

I know i never got to see him/her but they were still apart of me and grew inside me for 3 months fallopian tube or not.

My partner has no idea how i am feeling or anything because he feels like it something i shouldnt dwell on, but he doesnt seem to realise that he already has kids with previous relationships he doesnt know how it feels to want something so much and then to loose it all in the shut of an eye..

Am i being selfish for cradling the thought of what could have been?

All these questions, yet no answers for any of them, its not fair!


  1. Of course you have to remember and mourn for the baby that you lost. I had an ectopic pregancy as well. Although my partner is very understanding and emotional about it as well, most other people really don't seem to understand. Yes, you have to move on with life, but you can still remember them as well.

  2. I just got home from surgery and am looking for some comfort. I was 6 weeks pregnant and unfortunately, my baby dind't make it to it's destination and started growing in my left fallopian tube. The poem posted under this post is BEUTIFUL and I really loved reading it on such a sad day.