That Time Of Year Is Approaching ..... Fast!

We've just come into November, and it is slightly worrying as Christmas is just around the corner, not long now.. And at the moment I am feeling pretty empty and a little flat.

Every day I am reminded that I do not have a child, every day I am reminded that I failed as a person, and failed at becoming a mum.

I wish I knew what to do to make it 'right' or at least make it 'ok' don't get me wrong, I have a gorgeous 9 month old nephew now and I spend as much time with him as I can because I love him so so much, and what I am witnessing and teaching him as he grows makes me sad that I will never get to do the same with my own baby.. It is heartbreaking.

When I don't see him, I look at the pictures that I have of him that I take when I go around there and looking at his smile and his gorgeous eyes melts my heart and my heart then breaks again 10 times over.

Really really wish that I didn't fail and that I wish my baby grew in my uterus instead of my left tube!

If my dreams came true, I should have a gorgeous 3 year old running around driving mummy mad.. But instead I am left with nothing :(

Admittedly, over time it has got easier to deal with - especially since I never really grieved because no one wanted me to talk about it, no one wanted me to mention my experience again, so I just bottle it up along with my other problems. It all just sucks sucks sucks!!

Maybe one day, my dream will come true and I will get my chance of being a mum.. a REAL mum.

7th September

So, today is the 7th September, and in a month time it will be the 7th October.. 7th October should've been my due date, which means that I should have an almost 3 year old bouncing around keeping my on my toes instead of having this hole that cannot be filled..
Its weird how it feels, and it all has effected me in so many different ways, sometimes I am ok others I am not, but for the last few months I thought I had been "OK" perhaps its my friends announcing pregnancies and announcing birth's that it is making me feel a little odd and strange, perhaps?

I am happy for everyone, I really am, I guess I just wish... "I wish that was me" or "I wish it was my turn" for now.. I am stuck with this coil things in hopes it stops my bleeding - been in 5months and still having a little trouble with it :/

Buying crafty stuff and jewellery bits to make isn't helping anymore, I thought that having all these cool things made and making bits for people would've worked or sold or helped someone, instead I feel as if I am banging my head against a brick wall.. Its awful.. I just wish I could come out of the shadows that I've managed to put myself in and feel other things instead of feeling all the feelings that I am feeling now!
I have a nephew and a Godson to think of and look out for as they grow up but even that doesn't help at the moment.. Probably doesn't help that I see them once a week due to current circumstances and things have changed, and they will continue changing I guess, just wish the world would stop.. even if it was just for 5 mins so I could catch up or keep up or something.. I dunno.. all I know is that my head is all over the place and I want to be happy, I really really do, but finding my happiness is proving difficult!

Must try not to give up and let go..

Thinking Of The Past..

I know its something you shouldn't do, or at least do all the time - which I don't, always, just sometimes! And been wondering if it is worth finding out what happened when I had my Ectopic Pregnancy, and find out exactly what happened to make my tube rupture, and find out the tests they did when they removed the baby from my tube including my tube.

With it being over 3 years since it happened, it has been something that I have been wondering a lot recently, or at least a lot more since I had that weird dream that I have mentioned in a couple of previous blog entries.
Some people may say that I may not be able to cope, but in all honesty, I showed that I could be strong by going through what I went through, and although I may have shown that I have dealt with it, I really haven't because I have so many questions that need answering.

Really, I just need to find out how to go about getting the answers I guess I am looking for? Has anyone wanted to do something similar to what I am thinking about at the moment!?
If you have, could you comment on my post to give me some kind of idea on how to do this and some hope.

Thanks x

Handmade Keepsakes (repost)

I wanted to let you all know about a new page that I have helped set up and made things for.

Its called Sammii Made Me.

Basically, this page is for handmade keepsakes and treasures, they are made for everyone

(Babies, Children, Adults)

Also includes memorial items for memory boxes in memory of Angels and more!

I bought some clay and moulds and cutters etc. to use to make things out of to make for people who are grieving, and to help bring some people some peace.

Also, I hoped that I could make things that mean more than some silly graphics that I spend hours at a time usually making and never get nothing in return - not that I ask for anything, but something more than:

"Thank You, Saved" or "Thanks" or "Saved"

Just makes me feel sad, because I feel that what I have made isn't good enough, and no one seems to show any appreciation anymore :(

Hopefully, this will bring people happiness and appreciate these a little more.

Especially since I have found that there aren't many sites that make and personalize items like this for you in the UK, I have found that many of them, especially on facebook are in the United States!
Which means you're paying a little more for the item including a lot more on postage!

With a bit of luck, I can help change that!!

If you are reading this, and are interested please come and find them here:

Sammii Made Me

You Learn Something New Everyday!!!

I have just joined Pintrest, I am sure many of you have heard about this before!? I found this blog on there, that just amazed me, and admire the person/people who have continued to repin the blog for everyone to see!!

If you would like to see the Pintrest post you will find it >>here<<

As I was flicking through seeing what is available in the Ectopic Pregnancy search, many pictures and information was thrown at me.. And I was a little amazed at what information people have shared, for example:

Marilyn Monroe, she had an Ectopic Pregnancy in 1957, and is also reported to have had a couple of miscarriages. From what I read, her husband at the time, left her because he wanted kids!!

I also read a while ago that the lady from Torvill & Dean, also had an Ectopic Pregnancy..

They are the only two main stars that I know of that have had similar experiences. Neither of which ever really got over it. But then how can you get over this kind of loss!? Whether you lose your tube, or not. At the end of the day, Ectopic Pregnancies are pregnancies, and should be classed as Pregnancy Loss, because the fetus grows in the fallopian tube, or ovaries or other places around our reproductive systems, its just when they get to a certain stage and grow bigger is when they rupture!

I picked this up from one of the posts on Pintrest.

What To Do...?

So, I have been having a weird couple of days, because in just under 2 weeks it will be my birthday, I will be 26 *ouch* what is depressing is knowing that I will be 26 and still no where near to what I wanted to be when I grew up, which was to be just like my mum. I had hoped I would have been married by now, and have children.. All I have is my Angel, Billie, and a possible number of miscarriages that had never been confirmed. I have my cat though, but it isn't the same. Although I have to admit he does do my head in and is into everything I try and do, like my cross stitch, he thinks its an invitation to play as soon as he spots my threads move.
Although I do not have children, I am in a way thankful that my friends have children, especially my best friend. Her children are 9, 5 and 1, and the youngest is my Godson! Its nice knowing that they have me to look up to and admire (I hope) and play with. I love them all the same, and love being called "Aunty Sammy" but its when I leave, that I realise that there is something missing in my life, and I think that is it.. Apart of me is desperate to be a mummy, or be able to have a chance to have another child at some point, but I think whats making me feel worse is the fact that I have been having this bleeding problem now since June 2012, and I am still waiting for the coil to work, and worrying if it doesn't work that I will get too old to be able to do it. I reallly wanna be a mummy, and had hoped that I would have at least 3 by now, just like my mum. But unfortunately, it didn't happen and it really is unfair!! All I ask is WHY ME, still, 3 years on I have no answers.. Really wish I had them!!

Now, I am just unsure on what to do, what to say and feel embarrassed to talk to someone about it, which I guess is why I write to this blog from time to time, I know people flick through, find it and read my posts, but it feels a little better to me in some way than actually talking to someone face to face.

Follow Up About My Dream..

This is a follow up from my blog post "My Weird Dream I Had" that I wrote 27th March 2013.

Basically, the dream has been bugging me for a few weeks now, and still been unable to talk to someone about it.. Until last night. I mentioned the dream to a friend, because she often gets messages given to her in her dreams. And I've never had this kind of experience before, ever!!

First she told me what she knew about Angels, and people passing over:

All I know is that when I loved one comes thru to u it means they gone where they are supposed to be and they have come to let u know they are safe

I gave her a link to the blog post about the dream, and this is what she's told me:

Congratulations as such u have a daughter that was her way of letting u know she knows who you are and that she loves you and also that she is safe

In my opinion, to me, that has put my mind at ease a little, especially since this year it was my 3rd Angelversary.. I had not done anything in particular as such, because although I don't give a damn what people think or say about the way I handle/do things, I felt a little ashamed to do something special so I did nothing :( a hand full of people were generous enough to light candles, leave messages on my wall and make little graphics for me, but none of which was asked for.. Although I have a select few people as friends and trust with that kind of information, they came through and let me know they was thinking of me.

Now, knowing that my Angel would've been a girl has made me feel a little better in myself, and gives me hope and confidence in dreams for them to show and appear with their real meanings.
Never once, have I had a dream about a little boy...

Yes... Its About Time!!!

A few weeks ago I posted about needing to have a Hysteroscopy and a follow up Colposcopy along with a smear etc.

Well, I had the Hysteroscopy, Colposcopy, Smear, Endometrial Biopsy, Coil Fitted including a D&C on the 20th February 2013.
And well, today, just over 5 weeks later, I have got the results of my Smear - which is ALL CLEAR NO MORE ABNORMAL CELLS.. I don't need to go back now for another 3 years *yay* and my Endometrial Biopsy came back as Simple Glandular Hyperplasia which is Benign! From what I read, I can gather it is an over growth of the cells in the womb lining.. And the hospital have advised that they think the coil will help treat this, and then it suddenly dawned me, course it would help lol the coil slowly releases hormones!!!!!

Shame its taken almost 6 months to find out whats wrong, but I guess, I know now and hopefully, the coil will do its job and WORK

A Poem Called "The Ectopic"

The Ectopic

'Your uterus is empty' they say as they perform the scan,
but its my heart that empties as I hold your fathers hand.
'We'll give you an injection and the ectopic will resolve',
The ectopic is what they call you my baby, who I dearly long to hold,
and resolve has not the meaning which it might to you and I,
instead its a polite way of telling me you will die.
'Not viable' I hear them say, which means that you wont live,
Ill never get to take you home or share the love I have to give.
'They had an ectopic' is the way whats happened is described,
which hardly seems to recognize we had a baby who has died.
I wish that they would use the words, the ones that make it real,
then maybe they would understand the sorrow that I feel.

Found:
http://www.pregnancyforum.org.uk/showthread.php/251159-Poems-about-loss

Baby Loss Poem I Found:

Was flicking through google for some poems on Ectopic Pregnancy, and I came across this one, so thought I would share:

Mommy and daddy need you baby, but they say you have to go away!
You are not in mommy's uterus so you simply cant stay!
My heart is truelly broken as the tears roll down my eyes.
I can't believe i had to do this i hope i can sleep tonight.
It would kill us both baby if you stay here.
Although I dont know if i want to be here without you near.
They gave mommy this medicine, it hurt mommy real bad.
But not as much as it did me and daddy to loose you baby, we are so sad.
Ive never felt so much pain in my life.
And... I truelly wonder if we are going to be alright.
It took me and daddy so long to get you baby and then you had to leave.
If I could take it back, I'd wish it could be me!
RIP we love you baby!

(http://community.babycenter.com/post/a23835107/the_loss_of_my_child_poem)

My Weird Dream I Had...

I haven't posted about my dreams before, so thought I might give it a try!!

The other night, I had a dream that I finally got pregnant, but it was a little weird because in my dream, I ended up giving birth but had complications.. And because it scared me a little and was very vivid, I kinda woke up and don't remember much about that dream!!

But.. I had a dream this morning which scared me awake. It wasn't very long because it was that weird...

I had a dream, that it was a few years after I lost my Angel, Billie (I had lost Billie, my Ectopic 15th March 2010), and I well, I had this appointment to see someone. I was sitting in the waiting room with my mum, and was lead into this side room with a table in the middle, and was lead in by a man, I think he may had been the doctor, I am not sure!?
Anyway, in this room I was suddenly presented with this sheet of paper that had ALL my scans on, including all the HCG level's information and other bits of information too.. For some reason, I had a picture of my Angel on there - showing me what he/she looked like.. But, what I remember most of all is that when they presented me with the sheet of paper with all the information on it, he said to me
"I want you to meet your daughter!!!"

Now, I don't know what that means if there is any significance behind it or what, but it was very strange.
I have so many questions running around in my mind..

"Do I want to find out what happened?"
"Why did it happen to me?"
"Is Billie a girl?"
"Will I ever find out what results were produced?"

Since it has been a little over 3 years now, its making me wonder if I am going to be ready to question it and possibly demand to see my notes and find out if there is any information as to what happened and if they was able to determine if Billie is a girl or a boy.. But I am not sure if I am strong enough to go through that, even still now, even though it has been 3 years since.. I am guessing it would put my mind at ease, but when I had the Ectopic and was in hospital and signing various things, one of them was to do tests on the baby.. So surely, I should had known what they did to it, and what they did after... Actually, what they did after all the tests has suddenly dawned on me that I don't know if I want to know what they did with my baby afterwards... The thought of it is actually pretty worrying and upsetting...

Bespoke Keepsakes: Keepsakes Made For Everyone, Includes Angels

I wanted to let you all know about a new page that I have helped set up and made things for.

Its called Bespoke Keepsakes.

Basically, this page is for handmade keepsakes and treasures, they are made for everyone

(Babies, Children, Adults)

Also includes memorial items for memory boxes in memory of Angels & more!

I bought some clay and moulds and cutters etc. to use to make things out of to make for people who are grieving, and to help bring some people some peace.

Also, I hoped that I could make things that mean more than some silly graphics that I spend hours at a time usually making and never get nothing in return - not that I ask for anything, but something more than:

"Thank You, Saved" or "Thanks" or "Saved"

Just makes me feel sad, because I feel that what I have made isn't good enough, and no one seems to show any appreciation anymore :(

Hopefully, this will bring people happiness and appreciate these a little more.

Especially since I have found that there aren't many sites that make and personalize items like this for you in the UK, I have found that many of them, especially on facebook are in the United States!
Which means you're paying a little more for the item including a lot more on postage!

With a bit of luck, I can help change that!!

If you are reading this, and are interested please come and find them here:

Bespoke Keepsakes

15th March 2013

Today is the 15th March 2013.

Today marks the 3 year mark of the date that I lost my Angel & my tube.

Billie, is an angel as a result of an Ectopic Pregnancy, but you already know that since my blog is called

"Life After My Ectopic Pregnancy"

I have spent the day with my Sister and her 6 week old son (my nephew)

Kept me busy, and kept my mind off things, although now that I am on my own is when it bothers me.

But, I have recieved these few beautiful pictures in memory of my Angel.

From My Friend Kimmie On My Facebook.

This was left from me from a lovely lady called Rachel in my group:

Every Angel Matters.

This was made for me from a good friend called Jade on her Graphics page

Enchanted Rose Designs.

From my friend Noel! She is an amazing graphic designer from

Finding Forever Designs

This is from my friend Corinna:

I have recieved some lovely messages and comments from a few other friends which was nice, especially since I didn't want to make a massive song and dance about it being my Angel's day.

But appreciate all the message the select few have left me.

It's All Coming Back To Me...

I keep coming over all panicky and sick, its a weird feeling.. Especially remembering/realizing that this time 3 years ago I was fighting the pains in my abdomen, trying to sleep but couldn't because of the pain!!

When my tube ruptured, it started around 11pm on the 14th March 2010 (Mothers Day) but I never did anything about the pain until 7-8am on the 15th March 2010, that was when I admitted defeat and decided that it would be best for me to go to hospital, worst part was the only way I could get back there was in another ambulance.

All these memories keep flooding back to me, and I am not sure how I am 'ok'. I am not totally sure on how I should feel at the moment, except the only thing I can express is that I have a weird feeling in my tummy and I guess I kinda feel sick? Not sure, its a weird feeling that is very hard to express, let alone try and explain out in this blog post.

I guess, apart of me is still wondering HOW I managed to cope and deal with the problems and the pain that I experienced that day, and every day since. So much happened for the first 3-4 months of 2010 and it will always play on my mind, especially with the 'what ifs' :(

At the moment, it is 12:35am and all I can see in the back of my mind is me trying to get comfortable and trying so hard to stop the pain in my tummy.. The strange thing is, that I can see it in the back of mind, which makes it feel like everything that I went through was a dream, when it wasn't it was real life, and it only happened 3 years ago, but feels and seems like a lifetime ago..

Its Been Almost 3 Years..

Today is the 4th of March, as I lay in bed thinking about the way things are, and wondering HOW they would be different in nothing bad happened.

All the memories of what I went through with the hospital visits, blood tests, scans, examinations and the Methotrexate Injection seem and feel like a dream.. I can't believe it, sometimes it feels like only yesterday, other days it feels like it was years ago and have skipped a couple of years in between.. These thoughts and feelings are a little strange.

I was going to sit and read this blog that I have been keeping over the last 3 years, but I read the 2 posts that I left in February 2010, and then thought, yeah, I can't do this, so I just left it.. Weird, because I do the same with my notebooks, I have been writing in them for the same amount of time (3 yrs I think) but these are about my depression BPD etc.

I want to do something special, and I want to buy things for myself that have my Angel's name on, and I think I am actually doing to do it this time because I have never done anything like this before. I own 3 things, and I didn't really ask for them.

The bits I was sent were:
a tealight holder with Billie's name and date around the rim. I won this on a giveaway on a Facebook page called Tilly Beans Keep Sakes For Your Little Angels!
A second tealight holder with Billie's name on. This one was sent from a girl who owns Special Angels on Facebook.
A little knitted Angel with a tiny beaded necklace with footprints on from a woman on Facebook, unfortunately I don't remember which page, but when I find the card I will share.

I forgot about the Angel, that was the first thing that I ever received from someone since I lost my Angel. But, I do have a little fluffy sheep that smells like lavender that was given to me as a "get well soon" gift from my sisters boyfriends, mum. Its microwaveable like a hot water bottle. It was given to me with a note saying that it would keep me warm when my partner couldn't.

Those things mean a lot to me too.

Time For Change...?

In July time I posted about having to have a Colposcopy done, following an abnormal smear.. I don't think I mentioned it, but following this procedure, I had bled constantly non stop for months, days even!
It felt like it was going on forever, I had been back and forth to doctors, was treated twice for an infection, I've had bloods and scans and still the doctors are baffled..

I had bloods done in November 2012, everything came back normal, except that my hormone levels were slightly high. But I said it can't be "normal" because I am still bleeding, to which she decided to send me off for a scan to see what was going on, they said that again everything was normal except the lining was a little thick.. Still, no help!!
Well, they eventually sent me off to the hospital for further examinations. I had the appointment on the 12th February, it was awful. I bled, everywhere :( was sooo embarrassing, but least they realized there was a problem, so they had booked me in for the 20th to put me to sleep, they decided they wanted to do another Colposcopy because they cancelled my follow up appointment in January 2013, do a Hysteroscopy and a Endometrial Biopsy, they also wanted to put the coil in, but I wasn't so sure at first, but they said I had till the 20th to make my mind up. I agreed, because it needed to be done.
I had given consent for them to do:
Smear, Colposcopy, Hysteroscopy, Endometrial Biopsy, D&C and the fitting of the coil.
I have to say, since having all that done on Wednesday, I have hardly bled since :) but I am feeling the side effects of the cramping, and spotting, but hopefully now, things will die down a little and things can change.

I didn't really want to have the coil fitted, because i do wanna have kids more than anything, but given the current situation and circumstances, I need to get to the bottom of why I am/have been bleeding so much for so long.. Will be soo glad to get things back to normal again :)

All that I have to do now is wait for the results, and I am hoping they wont take too long to come in!
Fingers Crossed..

Sitting Here.. Thinking..

So, tonight I have been sat here talking to a bunch of ladies on facebook about losses and such, and it made me think of my Angel, Billie.. And realizing that in just a few days time, 3 years ago, that I would had been called in for an emergency scan, blood test etc. to then determine that the baby I was carrying was defiantly growing in my tube.
Its kind of hard to think about sometimes, and sometimes I tend to try and do it in the privacy of my own mind, mainly because there are still many people that do not even know that Billie was my tubal pregnancy..! Not to mention that I know a lot of people have tried telling me in the past that I shouldn't grieve for the baby growing in my tube, but perhaps I should grieve the loss of my left tube instead - although not sure how that would make the situation any better, or easier, perhaps!?
I have to admit, it does make me sad now, knowing that time is flying by so fast, and I still am unable to catch up with it and allow anything to sink in properly.

The one thing that does sit on my mind a lot is how although I am 3 years down the line, that I still think and feel that there is something missing, something not quite right, just doesn't make sense!?

Some People...

I am soo not impressed, I am very very mad and upset, I hate how people who don't deserve children don't just have ONE have TWO or more!! I hate how they can sit there and dictate how they are better than you and rub it in your face they can have children, and you can't!!

People just don't have a clue, why are there selfish people out there who have these children and there are people out there who just can't have any but want and deserve one can't have them!? Society and life sucks to be honest. I am sick to the back teeth of being treated really badly because certain people just can't keep their mouths shut and keep their opinions to themselves.

YES, I can't have children so damn what thats MY business NOT YOURS to use and abuse as you see fit!!! You people make me sick