Friday, 28 December 2012

I'm Fake? No, Not Really.. But I Wish I Was..

I am kind of gutted to learn that a few people I classed as friends turned around and said that I am fake, and so is my Angel, that I named Billie..
How could I lie about something like this when I have been keeping and writing to this blog on and off since February 2010 when I had my first injection of Methotrexate to terminate the pregnancy to stop my tube from rupturing, and then posting from when my tube ruptured due to not having my last blood tests in March 2010..
In all honesty, this has hurt me a little but at the end of the day thats down to them to continue thinking whatever it is they want to think.. I know the truth and so does my family that was there for me from day one.

I don't have much to prove that what I went through is real, I do on the other hand have pictures of my pregnancy test - which doesn't really prove anything.. Because its just a stick that you pee'd on to say if your pregnant or not, and I know a lot of people fake those too!! (sad)

All I hear/see on facebook is people arguing amongst themselves claiming each of them are fake :/ I don't understand it, people state that being amongst other Angel Mothers, and more is a place for comfort and support - when really it isn't because everyone picks on each other, slags each other off behind their backs and then stabs them in the back regardless.. I don't get it..
I guess this is kind of why a select few know a little bit about what happened, and why I don't want to involve myself with too many people whom have Angel's.. Its sad that it has to come down to that but I hate seeing everyone pick on each other its just wrong..

I just still cannot believe that my so called friends think that I am fake too - although I was expecting it because some people do not class an Ectopic as a loss, when it should be classed as a loss, because even though the baby isn't growing in the womb, it is still a baby and it is still growing inside of us, so therefore it should be classed as a loss.. Although I am not sure if it IS classed as a loss, if it isn't then it really should to be honest..
Really sucks though because I lay on my back in bed and I feel my scars under my tummy - I have 3 one in the middle, and the other 2 are either side.. Although you cannot probably see them now, I can feel them because they are little dents in my tummy.. Not to mention I have a fairly large ugly one in my belly button that I can see and feel - I don't like that one..
But its a little, and sad reminder of what happened back then, not to mention the tattoo that I got in memory of my Angel in May 2011..

Monday, 3 December 2012

Its That Time Of Year.... Again

Yep that's right, its almost Christmas.. I have not been feeling it again this year.. Mainly because last year it was pants and the year before it wasn't so bad, better than the year before when my parents had split up and tried to have a "good" Christmas for the sake of us 'kids' - Me, My Sister & Brother, but that was a disaster in the end..

Last year, I didn't do anything special and I don't really intend to this year. I am yet to hear from my parents about what's going to happen, rather hide away and be on my own, if I am honest.

It just really sucks that this year would've been my Angel's 3rd Christmas - if He/She didn't grow in my Fallopian tube and rupture in March 2010.
I think of all the children getting to spend with their parents, or even new born babies experiencing their first Christmas, like for instant, my Godson, this is going to be his first ever Christmas, and he is lucky to experience this because when he was born he was born with the cord wrapped around his neck, and if he had it wrapped around one more time he could've died :( so he is very special..
I guess I just think of it as another year without someone, the last 22 years it was my sister because she was stillborn 14th September 1990, and then in March 1996 it was my nan's turn to go due to Breast Cancer..
In a way, I am kind of used to it - to put it harshly, just wish that things didn't end the way they did though, it would be awesome if everyone was still here!! But hey, whats the harm in wishing?

I do wish everyone a gentle merry christmas, I know a lot of my followers are in the same position as me with loosing loved ones and missing them around Christmas time, a time for families to come together and be 'merry'
<3 p="p">