One Of The Hardest Things I Have Done...

I don't know what possessed me to go through one of my blogs tonight, but I went back to 2010, and looked at February and March, to see if anything had been written on my other blog to see if I had written something that I hadn't wrote on here, and I did.

I found quite a few posts, posts that I am pretty sure are not on here, and I read them all carefully making sure I didn't miss any information, and have now upset myself.

Although it has been over 4 years now since it happened, it is something that I clearly haven't gotten over or thought about properly.

Looks like I am going to have to push for counselling to help me deal with and somewhat get over this experience, especially since it is something that is hiding at the back of my mind and comes out every now and then and reminds me of the fears and the hurt of what I went through.

I don't know if I have mentioned it on this blog (I don't read my blogs back) about the possibility of 'trying' for a new baby?? This is something that scares the living daylights out of me.

There is so much fear, that I don't even know what to do or say or talk about because no one understands and no one will listen.

I think now, it is time that I deal with this, and perhaps try and move myself forwards a little, because clearly the fear is stopping me from so much, and the fear has taken over my life.

There is nothing more that I want to be in this life, other than a mum, and I really want to have my own babies before it's too late, I am almost 30, and the last time it happened, I was 22.. (I am 27 now)

Looking To The Future..

It is a little difficult moving past all of this, but I am doing the best I can, especially with the little information I was given. That makes it slightly hard.

But, I have actually been talking about "trying again" although I am terrified that I will go through this again.. But I have read so many nice stories in a "TTC After An Ectopic" group on facebook.. I read somewhere that if your ectopic pregnancy ruptured and your body started filling up with blood, that in turn damages your remaining tube, and also with me not knowing what kind of state the remaining one is in if it is in a bad way, it makes that thought a little more terrifying.

Only reason I have been thinking and talking about trying again is because I have recently got myself into Crochet, and I have been making some baby bits for a friend, and another friend wants me to make her new baby a blanket etc. etc. etc.

I love the little booties they are soo tiny and it has made me broody BIG TIME.

I don't have to go back to my doctor till August regarding the hormone replacement pills that I have been taking since May for my bleeding problems, I am going to mention it to her then and see what can be done or can help me find out if everything is "OK".

After talking to an Aunt about it, she said that I may need a "clean out" because she too struggled to have kids with her first, she had some kind of clean out and she fell pregnant on the 2nd time, so there is so many things that can be done or talked about, it is just getting over the fear.

I know that it wont be easy, and I know there are still lots of complications that can come with some pregnancies, because everyone is different.

Although, I have already been told that following some treatment that I had done, that I can be at risk of a premature labor.. Soooo... We'll see I think...