Saturday, 9 November 2013

That Time Of Year Is Approaching ..... Fast!

We've just come into November, and it is slightly worrying as Christmas is just around the corner, not long now.. And at the moment I am feeling pretty empty and a little flat.

Every day I am reminded that I do not have a child, every day I am reminded that I failed as a person, and failed at becoming a mum.

I wish I knew what to do to make it 'right' or at least make it 'ok' don't get me wrong, I have a gorgeous 9 month old nephew now and I spend as much time with him as I can because I love him so so much, and what I am witnessing and teaching him as he grows makes me sad that I will never get to do the same with my own baby.. It is heartbreaking.

When I don't see him, I look at the pictures that I have of him that I take when I go around there and looking at his smile and his gorgeous eyes melts my heart and my heart then breaks again 10 times over.

Really really wish that I didn't fail and that I wish my baby grew in my uterus instead of my left tube!
If my dreams came true, I should have a gorgeous 3 year old running around driving mummy mad.. But instead I am left with nothing :(

Admittedly, over time it has got easier to deal with - especially since I never really grieved because no one wanted me to talk about it, no one wanted me to mention my experience again, so I just bottle it up along with my other problems. It all just sucks sucks sucks!!

Maybe one day, my dream will come true and I will get my chance of being a mum.. a REAL mum.