Wednesday, 11 May 2011

My Tattoo..


I have finally decided what tattoo i have picked to remember my ectopic, including other failed pregnancies through miscarriage.
I felt a set of angel wings, was "original" as most people have them, admittedly i wanted to add to it, but i didnt exactly know what, but to have them on their own wasnt what i wanted, in the end.
I then felt that stars would be the same, original and most people have them.. and that doesnt mean much in some sense.
Rainbows again are kind of common, but i havent really seen many, even in memorium..

Still, i designed what I want and i feel means something, to me!
Have emailed it over to the tattoo parlour, but wont be going down until friday 13th, my birthday, to hopefully book it in.
Am nervous about getting one as i have never had one before and i really liked the idea of having something personal to me to remember it and something that is also with me, for life.

Sunday, 8 May 2011

I have a question...

Am I Mental For Wanting To Vent My Anger And Feelings And Thoughts On To Paper, Well Notebooks???

As you may know, I have Borderline Personality Disorder or at least some kind of Personality Disorder, Depression, Anxiety problems and slight Agoraphobia..
And I myself struggle talking and expressing my feelings "normally" but i feel that me writing helps myself without others knowing exactly what has been written..
I am in a bad place right now, I am going through a masses amount of problems and stress, and i cant cope with everything right now, and i felt at the time it was easier for me to write out on paper exactly how i am feeling.

But now, i am being told im mental and not normal for wanting to keep notebooks of stuff i write, i never re read anything i just write it and close the book and go back and write some more then close it etc. i have never re readen anything i wrote.
Apart from once, when i went through some old notepad files on the pc and i read some poems i had written years ago and it broke my heart, i guess i never really knew or understood exactly how i was feeling myself, and seeing that the feels have hardly changed was just awful.

I should really sort out my problems, but i have no patience for meds to work again, and really considering putting myself into a mental hospital or something just to keep me safe,
But if i did this, who is to say i can take the things that really mean to me like my cat for starters i couldnt leave him he needs me around, and loves my company!
no one texts me much anymore so hardly anyone is going to miss my texts/calls... i just really dont know what else i can do now, and after all the words that have been said, i just dont think its fair..

I was reminded of how this girl, has a life, has her baby etc. etc. etc. it just killed me.

I know it is nothing to do with you whom read this but i needed to get that off my chest! so i am sorry, but i am allowed to have feelings, arent i??