Tuesday, 8 February 2011

Almost A Year Later..

It was around this time last year that i found out i was pregnant...

And it was awful... not finding out i am pregnant, that was excellent learning i was gonna be a mummy...
but finding out i was having an ectopic was just unfair..

Things happen for a reason, but i dont know what the reason was for me! and i dont think i will ever learn...
Well, apart from things changing between me and my other half, but that was based upon our rocky relationship anyway, nothing got better for me as i was left wondering and feeling empty and confused..
Some days i was ok, others i would just realise that i never gonna be a mummy

Angel Mummy... i have settled for! and either way, its not so bad, just i dont get to do the things real mummys do! :(

There isnt a moment that goes by that i think of "what could had been" and wondering what she/he would had looked like, and how things would be different now!

But, this is where it gets confusing...

My periods, have been regular since the ectopic, never missed one been 1-2 days late or 1-2 days early, but thats it.
I am now 12 days late for my period...
Am i pregnant?
Is my body playing tricks on me?
Am i gonna have another ectopic??
- these are the questions that i am firing at myself in the back of my mind.. But i have now taken 3 pregnancy tests, one faint positive, other 2 negative!
(I even took pictures of the first two together because you could see the other line)

Reasons to why it is confusing me is this...
Last Year...
Last period - 28th-30th December 2009
Next period - 28th January 2010
Due Date - 6th October 2010

This year
Last Period - 27th-30th December 2010
Next Period - 27th January 2011
Due Date - 5th October 2011        (IF PREGNANT)

Maybe i am just being over reactive... but it is weird, especially to me!!

But then again, last year on the 6th feb i had started spotting, which lead onto bleeding which ended up being suspected miscarriage/ectopic! and well i dont have anything like that, nor i do i really have any symptoms!
- i feel dizzy at times, my back hurts at times, i feel sick on and off, i am tired all the time (but thats nothing new) i get tummy cramps and i also feel as thought something inside me is tightening and clenching... and i feel like i am about to come on so i rush to toilet and nothing there! including having itchy nipples and tingling sensations

All of what i am feeling now pretty much i never had last year, and what i had last year i do not have this year...
Thinking about it, i am probably just paranoid.. and thinking somethings gonna happen, when it probably wont! but it is still very worrying, well to me anyway!
I not really spoke to anyone about this either, except mentioning it to my mum and partner and a friend!

Who knows, apart of me thinks that my body is playing tricks on me, as if it was a way for Billie to let me know she/he is around and watching over me.. making sure i dont forget, who knows!!

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