Sunday 14 October 2018

Having A Few Issues Recently...

6th October would have been my due date which means if I had a normal pregnancy like I was told I was during all the blood tests and examinations at the hospital my baby I lost would be 8 years old. I cannot believe that it has been 8 years well almost 9 years that I lost my baby that I longed and wanted for years!

I am struggling a lot recently with everything. At least 3 people on my friends list that I know of are pregnant and constantly share their weekly updates with pics of their bumps or what their baby would look like during certain weeks of growing etc. and I look at them and I think why has my chance to become a mum isn't working?
Don't get me wrong, I am happy for them that they are lucky enough to have their kids! I will always be happy for them no matter how much I am hurting or feeling about things..

I watch the adverts about babies: for nappies, aptimal, breast feeding etc. and every time I watch these adverts my heart breaks a little more if that is even possible!?

The last few years I have been looking after my best friends kids, one of them is my 6yr old Godson whom I love more than anything! She has 4 but I look after 3 of them, the other 2 are 9 and 4. And I often have breakdowns before going because I don't feel strong enough to look after them! I love my friends kids so much but some days I can't bring myself to be around them.
Admittedly for the last few months I have been doing the same with my sister and I hate myself for it! I love my 3 nephews more than anything but it's difficult to function sometimes, I hate admitting how I feel so most of the time I make up excuses or I just say I'm not in the right frame of mind to be around anyone or just don't want to go out - which in a way is true..

What's worse is, I have no one to talk to about all of this.. Or least that's what it feels like..

Monday 9 July 2018

Wondering What Ifs...

I have been struggling a little recently, but that is because I was watching various video's on Facebook on hair and nail art and I some how came across some videos of Gender Reveal parties that they have had with their families, or sharing the gender with their children.

At first I thought it was cute, seeing them learn they have a new brother/sister. But then it got me thinking about what things would have been like for me..

Mainly thinking that nothing has happened since I had my first Ectopic Pregnancy in 2010 and never had anything since. My main issue is that I am scared, scared of it happening again and scared of loosing my last remaining tube and that is something that I cannot shake! I really wish I could because the one thing I would love to be more than anything in my life is a mother.
I love having my 3 Nephews and my Godson, and my best friends kids, but that isn't quite enough! But I need that kick I need to stop being scared, stop worrying and stop beating myself up about it all.. Sometimes it's just hard.

Watching these videos really got me thinking and really got to me, I cried along with the kids that were crying because they either got a Sister and wanted a Brother and vice versa. They all got me wondering if I would ever get my miracle and if I did get a miracle would I be blessed with another etc. But knowing how old I am now it's whether I am going to be old enough to have the kids I would love.

I am not strong enough to watch these kinds of video's so I am going to avoid them for now..

Saturday 16 June 2018

Sorry I Have Been Absent, Again...

It's been a while since I posted again, I need to leave the tab for Blogger open so that I can start to keep my blog up to date because especially since I have realised that this blog has been viewed over 30,000 times since I started in Feb 2010 when it was diagnosed that I was having an Ectopic Pregnancy before my tube ruptured a couple of weeks later.

It is crazy to see that it has been 8yrs since I started this blog and that it has been reached by so many people and I am hoping that I am helping to raise some awareness for Ectopic Pregnancy as I did not know anything about this at the time which was a lot to take in and deal with..

My life has not changed much since I lost my baby and my tube, but that is mainly because I still have a slight fear of trying again because I don't want to go through all this again as it was hard enough the first time, don't think I would be strong enough to go through it again. And I feel for those of you who have found my blog who have had 1 or 2 and I have seen other people having more but they was treated with the Methotrexate Injection so they could save their tube.

The last couple of years I taught myself how to Crochet and Knit and I have also tried making keepsakes to help other people who have been through an Ectopic Pregnancy or any kind of pregnancy loss because as the saying goes:



So they should be remembered and you shouldn't feel ashamed to remember them either because in a way I felt like I was made to forget what happened and not acknowledge them, or even told "Why do you want to remember a horrible experience" but after a while I decided that I didn't care what everyone else has to say!