Wednesday, 27 October 2010

This Is A Little Something I Wrote For Billie.. My Angel!

Day after day it plays on my mind
If i am not careful it may make me blind
I cant really get over what i done
It hard when you were no bigger than my thumb
I really hoped my chance had come
But God took you away up to his home
To blue skies rainbows and lots of fun
It hurts me when i was meant to become your mum
My chance was taken away from me so quick
Didnt even enable me much of a chance to think
I knew you were not growing in my womb
But i shouldn't had made that decision so soon
Nothing will change how i wanted you here
For nothing had ever been confirmed till this year
Instead i hope you look down on me up above
And praise your mummy with your love
Because i will love you to the day i die
Nothing or no one can change this, wanna know why?
Because you ARE my Baby, An Angel in fact!

The reasons for writing this is because where i had the Methotrexate injection, to avoid surgery I missed my final blood test, for failing to get to the hospital with no money nor transport and no one was willing to help me out, so i left it. It wasn't until i put my phone on and picked up my answer phone messages was when my Gynechologist and doctor had been trying to ring me as was important and had been trying to get me to go to the hospital.
* reason phone was off was due to some idiot harassing me*
Well in a way it didnt matter in the end, because failing to get my last bloods done, my fallopian tube had ruptured at the end of Mothers Day (14th March 2010)
So ended up in hospital the next day dosed up on Morphine...
It was horrible i couldnt believe it was happening to me, the Gynechologist and my doctor gave me positive results on phone with my bloods saying there is a chance it a normal pregnancy, despite the scans showing nothing in my womb...
Was kinda an awful experience, even thinking about it now makes me feel sad and wish i could've done something better for my baby, instead of signing a consent form to give them my baby for science...
I was on my own at this point with forms being thrown at me and having to sign everything (mum was on phone) so i just signed stuff.. i couldn't really read it properly due to the morphine, and fact that they was rushing around me because i was due to go into theatre that minute!

Just wish i could've done something for my very tiny angel!
Admittedly, i was only 12 weeks gone, but 12weeks is still a long time, espeecially to me! plus my baby had my flesh, my blood.. no matter WHAT!!!

Still, to this day i still wonder if there was ANYTHING i could've done better...

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