Owl City - Fireflies

I just wanted to share with you one of the songs that I used to listen to all the time when I was going through my Ectopic Pregnancy. This actually came out in 2009 but I was still listening to it after it came out and was amongst one of my playlists in my phone when I was going back and forth to the hospital on the bus. This song doesn't get played very often because it was played back then and although it isn't a song about a loss it is something that meant a lot to me at the time. To this day I still barely listen to the song and a while back I was out with a friend and this song came on the radio. It was weird to me because it hasn't been played on the radio etc for so long but that day I heard it was weird reasons for that was as I was sitting the car I was thinking about things and out of nowhere this song started playing. It wasn't even advertised it was being played until they played a couple of songs and said what they were.
Sometimes I get weird feelings over different things and I do not get them often but this one blew me away..

In The Blink Of An Eye It's Now Been 10 Years...

Today marks 10 years since I lost my baby and my tube. I am not really sure how to feel at the moment. I think the best way to explain it may be that I just feel numb and kind of lost in a way.

I cannot believe that it has been this long and it hurts a little that when I went through my memories on facebook over the years people who I classed were friends or even those who weren't exactly friends remembered me and my lil angel but over the years they phased out a little and I very rarely have any comments or people checking up on me. Well all except my mum and my best friend. No one else has interacted with me and I guess in a way it is my own fault because I do not talk about it much now but that was because people told me I shouldn't "dwell on it" or that "everyone goes through it it isn't just you" etc etc etc I have heard it all from many different people including people who were supposed to be my friend/family.

And although people have their opinions and yeah some people can just put it to the back of their minds and not think about it nor talk about it I am not like that. I wish I was able to do what people say but I am not heartless. The one thing I have always wanted more than anything was to be a mum and have a family and this is pregnancy was very much wanted and it didn't help the mix up with the hospital and them saying different things like they I was earlier than I thought I was and where I was in and out of hospital having blood tests as well as scans and pregnancy tests examinations etc. At one point they felt that I was having a normal pregnancy because my hormones kept raising differently each time I went in to having bloods done. But because my numbers were still growing and they couldn't see where the pregnancy was thats when they decided that yes I was having an ectopic pregnancy. It was devastating and my heart broke into a million pieces that day I had the methotrexate injection and even more so when today 10 years ago my tube ruptured.

As I reflect on today I have realized that I have spent the last 10 years living in fear and that was because I was terrified of it happening again which is understandable especially since I knew in my heart that IF it happened again and my 2nd tube ruptured then it would be game over. Trouble is as well as I was only 22 at the time and I am 32 now and I probably should've dealt with it better but it didn't help that no one wanted to talk to me about it or even help put my mind at ease anything but I did not have that which is probably why I closed myself off to everything and everyone because in my mind I was protecting myself from more hurt in the future. Unfortunately I cannot change the past and I really wish I could in many ways one of them being that making sure the pregnancy was in the right place and if that wasn't possible then at least learn how to deal with it properly with the right help and support from the people I needed it from the most. Although as I say that I have never really asked for help or support even with some of my mental health issues.

Although I have forgotten/blocked out some of what happened today 10 years ago I will never forget about the baby that was very much wanted and loved even though I didn't know what the outcome would've been..