Thursday, 24 February 2011

Wrong again..

This is a follow up from my last blog i wrote a couple of weeks ago,
in thinking i might be pregnant again...

well i am not!

Yesterday (22nd)
I started what i think is my period yesterday, i have been in a bit of discomfort and feeling disorientated etc.
But have dealt with it, i was going to go to the doctors yesterday and then was going to go today instead, but i do not wish to know if i am experiencing a miscarriage or not, because of what i went through last year has kind of put me off a little bit. even though i know IF i am experiencing another ectopic it could take my life - as i did almost loose it on the operating table!
But still, its something you do not wish to know, sometimes! i already lost one baby, i dont want to know if i am in the process of loosing yet another..
Only thing that is sort of keeping me "sane" is the thought of my baby angel flying high and free amongst the clouds with other special angel babies that God had other plans for etc.

Admittedly, i am gutted i have come on my period, again! i would do anything to have my own family, without having to mother my partners other kids with previous relationships, not that i am saying i dont like them or want to be around them, just it isnt the same.. i guess..

Suppose, only time will tell...

Monday, 21 February 2011

If Things Were Different..

If things were different you would be here now
If things were different i would be holding you close
If things were different you would be 4months old..
If things were different i would be watching you grow
If things were different my life would have some meaning
If things were different i would had known if you was my baby boy or my baby girl

People say "things happen for a reason" ...Still dont know what MY reason was...

Still, in some respects i cant complain a great deal, because i nearly lost my life, although sometimes i wish i had lost it, all because of what i had to go through all the pain, the blood tests internal scans and exams everything.. i had all that done for nothing - well seems to feel like nothing!
No one has helped me nor have they offered, when i woke up in hospital after my operation my mum, dad sister and her boyfriend and my uncle was there.. which was great!!
But no one offered any kind of support whilst i was sitting in the ward, except for a woman whom was leaving that day who offered me her tv card so i could watch telly..
I just cant get over it, what did i ever do that was so wrong to result into this...??

Still, i am never gonna find out the answer now!

I just hope i never have to go through that, again!

Monday, 14 February 2011

xx Happy Valentines Day xx

Happy Valentines Day, Billie!!

This red rose is for my precious little angel Billie
I dont care if people say i am silly
Your always be my baby even though your in spirit
But when i talk to you i know your hear it
Thinking of you today which is nothing new
I feel so empty and useless without you
Give me strength to fight each day
Heal my breaking heart in any way
Your always be special to me
Even though I been left to be

Ok that poem wasnt so great, but it is hard to find the words to express myself when i am feeling so low, not because of my ectopic, not because of valentines day, but just due to the fact where i wish i knew where i went wrong and how i could had fixed or prevented it.. Things have been pretty tough, but i feel ashamed to talk about it and mention it because no one cares nor are people interested.
I know i post out on here, which again i shouldnt but i needed something where i could let of steam a little..
Plus, as regards to my previous post, its been a year since i found out i was pregnant, almost a year before you was taken from me.. (even if you did try to take me with you)

I just dont know whats going on with me personally, because i am still waiting my period! am i being blessed with a baby, or yet another angel?
Or just generally over reacting and nothing is wrong with me at all (even though people say i have menopause... I am only 23)

Ohhhhhh i dont know, i just need to scream and let off some steam me thinks!!

Tuesday, 8 February 2011

Almost A Year Later..

It was around this time last year that i found out i was pregnant...

And it was awful... not finding out i am pregnant, that was excellent learning i was gonna be a mummy...
but finding out i was having an ectopic was just unfair..

Things happen for a reason, but i dont know what the reason was for me! and i dont think i will ever learn...
Well, apart from things changing between me and my other half, but that was based upon our rocky relationship anyway, nothing got better for me as i was left wondering and feeling empty and confused..
Some days i was ok, others i would just realise that i never gonna be a mummy

Angel Mummy... i have settled for! and either way, its not so bad, just i dont get to do the things real mummys do! :(

There isnt a moment that goes by that i think of "what could had been" and wondering what she/he would had looked like, and how things would be different now!

But, this is where it gets confusing...

My periods, have been regular since the ectopic, never missed one been 1-2 days late or 1-2 days early, but thats it.
I am now 12 days late for my period...
Am i pregnant?
Is my body playing tricks on me?
Am i gonna have another ectopic??
- these are the questions that i am firing at myself in the back of my mind.. But i have now taken 3 pregnancy tests, one faint positive, other 2 negative!
(I even took pictures of the first two together because you could see the other line)

Reasons to why it is confusing me is this...
Last Year...
Last period - 28th-30th December 2009
Next period - 28th January 2010
Due Date - 6th October 2010

This year
Last Period - 27th-30th December 2010
Next Period - 27th January 2011
Due Date - 5th October 2011        (IF PREGNANT)

Maybe i am just being over reactive... but it is weird, especially to me!!

But then again, last year on the 6th feb i had started spotting, which lead onto bleeding which ended up being suspected miscarriage/ectopic! and well i dont have anything like that, nor i do i really have any symptoms!
- i feel dizzy at times, my back hurts at times, i feel sick on and off, i am tired all the time (but thats nothing new) i get tummy cramps and i also feel as thought something inside me is tightening and clenching... and i feel like i am about to come on so i rush to toilet and nothing there! including having itchy nipples and tingling sensations

All of what i am feeling now pretty much i never had last year, and what i had last year i do not have this year...
Thinking about it, i am probably just paranoid.. and thinking somethings gonna happen, when it probably wont! but it is still very worrying, well to me anyway!
I not really spoke to anyone about this either, except mentioning it to my mum and partner and a friend!

Who knows, apart of me thinks that my body is playing tricks on me, as if it was a way for Billie to let me know she/he is around and watching over me.. making sure i dont forget, who knows!!