Tuesday, 29 March 2011

Well that has confirmed it, well sort of..

I am now on my period, since what i thought was a miscarriage.. but today i have passed quite a few blood clots including the 2 i passed about an hour ago.
One was about 2inches long other was about the size of my thumb nail.. including a couple of small ones and some down the toilet..

This i thought cant be normal... but then remembered about how i was feeling last night, so i googled some questions to see if i could find the answers, and eventually i came across Bupa.

I am in the miscarriage section, and i have been reading the symptoms.. 

Symptoms of miscarriage
The most common symptom of a miscarriage is bleeding from your vagina. This can vary from light spotting to bleeding that is heavier than your period. You may see blood clots or a brown discharge. You can also have cramps and pain in your abdomen (tummy), pelvis or back.
Some people don’t have any symptoms and their miscarriage may only be discovered in a routine scan.
I remember complaining of back and pelvis pain and i wasnt feeling very well on top of it all, as i had to cancel on a friend to go out clubbing for their birthday..
Following reading the webpage a little bit more, i came across the "types of miscarriage"

Types of miscarriage

There are different types of miscarriage as described below.
Threatened miscarriage. This is when you have bleeding early in your pregnancy and your cervix (the opening to your womb) is tightly closed. Your pregnancy is likely to continue if an ultrasound scan shows the heartbeat of your developing baby.

Inevitable miscarriage. This is when you have bleeding early in your pregnancy and your cervix is open, which means your pregnancy will be lost.

Incomplete miscarriage. This is when a miscarriage has started but there is still some tissue left in your womb. Your cervix is usually open.

Complete miscarriage. This means that your pregnancy has been lost. Your womb is empty and your cervix has closed.

Delayed or missed miscarriage. This means that although your developing baby has died, you haven’t had any bleeding and didn’t lose any tissue straight away

After experiencing and seeing what i saw tonight, i have a feeling that i have or am in the middle of an Incomplete Miscarriage..

Check out the link here.. Miscarriage information on Bupa.

Who knows, one day i will be lucky and have a normal pregnancy, no more miscarriages and hopefully will not result into having another ectopic.

Monday, 28 March 2011


Lately i have noticed some new comments..

I just thought i would write a little blog about a website called GoneTooSoon..

I have my own page on there that i dedicated to my ectopic.. i also have one for my pets

Looking for a memorial page of your own? then i would suggest signing up for Gone too soon!!
Gorgeous site, and lots of themes to be used.

Tuesday, 15 March 2011

I Feel Numb..

Its 02:51 the time i started to write this..

This time last year i was sitting up at this time because i was in agony with what i thought was just "trapped wind" from stress, as i was being picked on few days previous..
Sitting here now i am shivvering and shaking with the thought of what happened and what i went through, including feel sick.

I do not understand how i managed to go through all this and i do not know why i am still here.

When i think of all that i went through it makes me feel numb and empty, as if it was just a dream and nothing really happened, when clearly i know it did.

I really do wish that this never happened.. the ectopic part! i really wanted to have my baby!

At times i feel like i am half a woman, because i lost my left fallopian tube with my baby.. so unfair!

Monday, 14 March 2011


This time last year it was Mothers Day in the UK.

I'd spent the day with my other half and his kids as his ex was ill and unable to look after them, which wasnt too bad, we had spent the afternoon in town and did a bit of shopping before coming back to the house.
The youngest had gone to stay with her grandparents as my other half at the time was looking after the eldest of the two.
We were happily playing in the lounge with his Power Ranger toys before i put him to bed to sleep.. i then went and sat alone in the lounge and watched telly.
Within an hour of being in there, i moved and felt like i had pulled a muscle in my side, so i went to tell him what happened... this was around 10/11pm at night.
It wasnt until the next day that i had realised the pain i felt that night was only the start of my ectopic.

I feel absolutely sick today, the thought of last year makes me feel weird as if i am about to fall into a hole, my heart skips a beat, its a very odd feeling..
I am not sure on how to take any of this, today or how to take it tomorrow! i just feel so empty

I guess i just cant believe that its been a year since all this happened and just cant get over how much it has changed my life.

Really, i wish things were different so that i wouldnt have to feel this way, but that now cannot be changed no matter how much i wish..

Apart of me wishes i knew if my baby was going to be a boy or a girl.. or at least if there was any way i would had known!
Might put my mind at ease..

I really do wish i could get a tattoo to represent,

My Angel, My Billie..!!

Whom was only apart of me for a short a while, but will spend a lifetime in my heart

Thursday, 10 March 2011

Time is closing in on me...

or at least its pretty much how i feel.

Its been almost a year now, since my Ectopic and the closer to the date im getting the more anxious i am becoming.
Never before have i had to deal with this kind of emotion (which would explain why i have not shown much)
I dont know what to do, how to feel or anything.

My baby, i lost.. my baby i wanted, but why havent i shown any emotion! why have i just carried on as if nothing had ever happened, when i know it did because i still rub my belly and i feel my scars (often)!!!

Am i normal, because i dont feel it!
I get upset about it, but then it just blows over i am constantly overwhelmed with the thought of the date coming up and i have no idea how to approach it or what will happen when it comes...

Year after year, since i was old enough to learn and understand about my sister, Kimberley.. i mourned her, and i write her poems and think about her too,
She was still born 25 weeks into pregnancy, when this happened i was 3, so at the time i didnt fully understand until i grew older.

Maybe, i might end up feeling the same when years have passed and i fully understand?? i dont know.. i wish i did and i wish i had someone to talk to, open up to maybe that might help explain why i feel the way i do i dont know.

People expect me to brush it under the carpet and leave it and never look back - am i doing that now?!

I know i never got to see him/her but they were still apart of me and grew inside me for 3 months fallopian tube or not.

My partner has no idea how i am feeling or anything because he feels like it something i shouldnt dwell on, but he doesnt seem to realise that he already has kids with previous relationships he doesnt know how it feels to want something so much and then to loose it all in the shut of an eye..

Am i being selfish for cradling the thought of what could have been?

All these questions, yet no answers for any of them, its not fair!

Saturday, 5 March 2011

A Gorgeous Poem I Found On A Blog

These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part.

I found this poem on another blog, http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/ and i fell in love with it, it was so lovely and powerful and meant a little something to me, so i felt that i should share it with you, if those of you haven't heard or read this before.

"TO WRITE THEIR NAMES IN THE SAND http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/ )