Monday, 9 July 2018

Wondering What Ifs...

I have been struggling a little recently, but that is because I was watching various video's on Facebook on hair and nail art and I some how came across some videos of Gender Reveal parties that they have had with their families, or sharing the gender with their children.

At first I thought it was cute, seeing them learn they have a new brother/sister. But then it got me thinking about what things would have been like for me..

Mainly thinking that nothing has happened since I had my first Ectopic Pregnancy in 2010 and never had anything since. My main issue is that I am scared, scared of it happening again and scared of loosing my last remaining tube and that is something that I cannot shake! I really wish I could because the one thing I would love to be more than anything in my life is a mother.
I love having my 3 Nephews and my Godson, and my best friends kids, but that isn't quite enough! But I need that kick I need to stop being scared, stop worrying and stop beating myself up about it all.. Sometimes it's just hard.

Watching these videos really got me thinking and really got to me, I cried along with the kids that were crying because they either got a Sister and wanted a Brother and vice versa. They all got me wondering if I would ever get my miracle and if I did get a miracle would I be blessed with another etc. But knowing how old I am now it's whether I am going to be old enough to have the kids I would love.

I am not strong enough to watch these kinds of video's so I am going to avoid them for now..

Saturday, 16 June 2018

Sorry I Have Been Absent, Again...

It's been a while since I posted again, I need to leave the tab for Blogger open so that I can start to keep my blog up to date because especially since I have realised that this blog has been viewed over 30,000 times since I started in Feb 2010 when it was diagnosed that I was having an Ectopic Pregnancy before my tube ruptured a couple of weeks later.

It is crazy to see that it has been 8yrs since I started this blog and that it has been reached by so many people and I am hoping that I am helping to raise some awareness for Ectopic Pregnancy as I did not know anything about this at the time which was a lot to take in and deal with..

My life has not changed much since I lost my baby and my tube, but that is mainly because I still have a slight fear of trying again because I don't want to go through all this again as it was hard enough the first time, don't think I would be strong enough to go through it again. And I feel for those of you who have found my blog who have had 1 or 2 and I have seen other people having more but they was treated with the Methotrexate Injection so they could save their tube.

The last couple of years I taught myself how to Crochet and Knit and I have also tried making keepsakes to help other people who have been through an Ectopic Pregnancy or any kind of pregnancy loss because as the saying goes:

So they should be remembered and you shouldn't feel ashamed to remember them either because in a way I felt like I was made to forget what happened and not acknowledge them, or even told "Why do you want to remember a horrible experience" but after a while I decided that I didn't care what everyone else has to say!

Monday, 14 March 2016

Must Stop Neglecting My Blog...

I feel terrible, I was supposed to keep writing to this blog to help express myself through these blog posts but I seem to have neglected this blog quite a bit.
Half the problem is the fact that I don't have proper internet at the moment, I only have the data on my phone or the mobile wifi which I found doesn't seem to last long enough.

Going to try and keep this blog active now!!

Thursday, 19 March 2015

Been A Hard Couple Of Weeks..

15 March 2015 was Mother's Day here in the UK and what made it hard was that my angels angelversary was on the same day :(
It has been 5 years now since I lost my Angel and I still can't work out why everything went wrong :( it's not fair.. 

This year I had a few distractions though, I was picked up Sunday morning and spent some time with my grandparents, dad, aunt and cousins and it was lovely I enjoy spending time with them.. I did want to avoid the internet as much as possible, but I had to go online for something for my dad, and my facebook went off like mad, it was only from the very small handful of people that commented on my wall and pictures..

I only had 4/5 people on my friends list who wrote on my wall to tell me they was thinking of me, what's worse is that I have 240 friends on facebook!!

The rest of the day was spent with my heavily pregnant sister, mum and nephew we had a roast that my mum cooked for us and it was all lovely.
When we got in I set up my candles and lit them in memory of my Angel and all the other angels that had gone too soon.

<3 p="">

Tuesday, 3 March 2015

Good People Are Hard To Find...

I have a couple of lovely friends on facebook who know about my loss, and they have admitted they will never forget about me and my angel, Billie.. This is what she has left for me tonight:
To some it won't mean much, but to me it means everything.
Thank you for keeping me and my angel, Billie in your thoughts.. It is really hitting me hard this year realizing the things that I am missing out on.. It really does hurt :(

I have had a hard time finding/making friends especially on facebook with an endless amount of problems one after the other and finding people aren't who they claim to be etc.
Even with that in mind, I managed to find a unique special friend in a lady on my friends list. She too lost a baby, a gorgeous little girl she named Tilly. I support her page when I can by making items and donating some of the items that I can make to her page so that she can help raise money for SANDS.

Please take a moment to stop by at her page ~TillyBeansKeepsakes~ForYourLittleAngels~ and give it a like and even spend some time nosing through her page. You will not be disappointed.

Friday, 27 February 2015

Tomorrow Marks The Start Of The Blog...

Tomorrow will mark the day that I started this blog. It is sometimes hard to believe that it has been 5 years since I first started this blog. Upsets me because I feel that nothing has changed and still feel that I have no answers to it all.

I am a little emotional because it means that the next couple of weeks are going to be quite hard for me! March has always been a difficult month for me, because my Nan died on the 6th March 1996 so I struggle with that already, and having my Angel day does make it a little hard for me.

Cannot believe that this is going to be the 5th year since all this has happened and still feel no different..
<3 p="">

Monday, 23 February 2015

Babies Everywhere..

I am starting to struggle a little at the moment, everywhere I turn there are people sharing pictures of their newborn babies, or sharing pictures of their own children and also scans because they've not long got pregnant..
Makes doing things quite hard because all I seem to do is wish it was me!!

This life after my ectopic pregnancy hasn't changed, nothing has improved and I am still in the same situation as I was back in 2010 not knowing the outcome of any of this.
It is also quite hard sometimes with my own family.. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my family, but sometimes I look at my sister and wish it was me and I wish it was my turn :( she's due towards the end of March and my mum and my sister have apparently been talking about how nice it would be if her new baby was born on my Angel's Day :( I don't know how to feel about any of this!
What's worse is that my mum talks about is her grandsons and never mentions or remembers mine.

I am going to be thinking about doing something special this year. Because this year my angel would be 5 and getting ready to start school :( it's not fair

Saturday, 31 January 2015

That Heart Breaking Moment When...

The heart breaking moment when your own mum forgets about what I went through!!

Yes.. That's right FORGETS!!
I was flicking through the avon catalogue and found a couple of nice bits that I liked, but decided to get them in the March Birthstone: Aquamarine.

When I get it out and I look at it and she asks what I bought, and when I told her I got March, she kept asking me why.. Asked if it was because I liked the colour or wanted it because it will match my clothes

I didn't know what to say, because that moment I realised that everyone had forgotten.. I didn't expect anyone to remember, but after that day about a week or so back, I have sat down to try and work out how people can forget something like that, and wonder how I can't forget and move on like everyone else has.

It's only a few months left now till it's been 5 years! I don't remember everything now, I have put it to the back of my mind, but it is something that is always on my mind if that makes sense :/
When I hold a baby, spend time with my godson and Nephews and even met a couple of my friends kids, it hurts and I always wish that it was ME and that it was MY turn :(

Feel a little let down by it all if I am honest

Tuesday, 6 January 2015

Miscarriage Information

In one of the groups I am apart of to do with Ectopic Pregnancy, someone shared a link to another blog, one talking about miscarriages.. I have just read it and I have to say that although it is a post about having a miscarriage, the feelings are still the same even though I've had an Ectopic Pregnancy.

This is quite interesting, and suggest that you should give it a read too:

(link opens in new window)

I am pretty sure that someone, like myself can relate to the information shared above.

Monday, 5 January 2015

Thinking Ahead Can Be Tough..

After talking to a woman a see from MIND this morning I have been thinking more and more and more about what I told her to do with the future.

I guess I didn't realize how scared I am of the outcome.. I would give everything to have my own family.. And after thinking about the way that things went, made me realise that I could've done everything so different :(

If I had opted for surgery the same day I was told that I could either have surgery or an injection... Thinking about it now, I really wish I had done more for myself instead of just taking the injection to see if that worked..

Really, I should've made it so that I had my last blood test instead of giving up because I couldn't get to the hospital.

If anything.. As time goes on I feel more guilty for the way I dealt with everything :'( I guess it didn't help that I didn't quite know what to expect and didn't have any kind of understanding of the situation until I googled information for Ectopic Pregnancy and realised that the pain I was in was because of the tube rupturing.

Really wish I could move on and feel a little better about the situation instead of feeling more guilty every day.. I don't want to forget what happened, just wish I could learn to deal with it properly or at least find someway of coping with it.

It's 2015 so I plan to make some changes to myself and hope to be able make myself feel and look better and attempt to solve the ache in my heart and to stop worrying about what hasn't happened yet.

Wednesday, 31 December 2014

Goodbye 2014 Hello 2015

It's that time of year again saying a big goodbye to 2014 and saying hello to 2015.

Every year I hope things will change, but they never do, so this time around I am not going to expect anything, least that way I can't get my hopes up and I shouldn't get too disappointed when nothing happens.
Only good thing to keep my optimistic for 2015 is knowing that in March I will be an Auntie again and I will have a new nephew =D I am very happy about this and cannot wait as I've got my sister and my bestie putting me on nappy changing duties!! This should get me back into the swing of things and then also help with my fears..
The one thing that does worry me with my sister being due in March is the anniversary of our Nan's death, and also the 15th March is the day that I had the emergancy operation to treat my ruptured ectopic and remove my tube.

The only person I know that has a child born on that day is my friend who lives in London, she has a little boy.

As from January I will no longer be on the HRT that the doctor put me on to help with my periods, I am worried about whats going to happen with that, but we have been talking and have been talking about trying again, I am terrified.. But I need to get over my fears before it is too late.

I just want to say a huge thank you to those of you who are reading my blog, and wishing you all a happy new year, all the best for 2015
<3 p="">

Sunday, 28 December 2014

Thank God That's Over...

That's Christmas over and done with for another year.

I did have a few tears, but I made sure these were done in secret as I don't like to draw attention to myself or then have people worried about me and then try to hug me etc.
Didn't want to get up Christmas Day in the end I wasn't tired or cold, just wasn't interested in it.

I did spend a couple of hours with my sister, brother in law and my nephew which was nice, and I am glad that they invited us, it was a little hard whilst we were there, but that is because I know that I haven't got what they have.. I am not jealous, far from that, I just see these new experiences my sister goes through and I know that I should be experiencing something similar but I am not.

Got the New Year to see in and then I don't have to worry about anything for a few months now at least lol

Wednesday, 24 December 2014

Lost The Christmas Spirit...

It's Christmas Eve today, and all over my facebook are people sharing their stories of putting out things for Santa and his reindeer.. Some people have given the reindeer carrots or special food, and they've given Santa milk and cookies or even a mince pie.

But it is hard for me to read, because this is something I am supposed to be doing, keeping the magic of Christmas alive for the sake of my child, but due to the circumstances this is something that I am missing out on. It does hurt me, it hurts me very much but I don't want to admit that I am struggling to anyone because no one understands..

I wasn't going to share this, I really tried to be strong but it is so hard.
Even though I have an almost 2 year old nephew it still makes it hard for me, but I love him more than life itself, and if I cannot spoil my own children then the next best thing is him.

If I could wish for anything in the world, I would wish that I could go back and alter my body some how to make my baby grow in my uterus instead of my left tube, or if it cannot bring back the one I love, at least bless me with a child to help ease my pain, not to replace the one I lost, but to help heal my ache that it is in my heart and hear someone call me mummy...

Getting a little emotional now, perhaps this is what I needed to do, I do need someone to talk to, someone who can help me, but it is a little hard when I do not open up or let people in..
It's when the years start to fly by so quick that you realise just how much you are missing out on, and all the things that you teach you're children etc. that it doesn't get any easier as the years go on! I would love to say yeah in 3 or 4 years down the line that things do get easier, but they really don't!!

Sunday, 21 December 2014

Almost Christmas Time, Again!

Today, I spent the whole day with my dad, step-mum, sister, nephew, Aunts, Uncles and Cousins!
It was a very busy day, but watching my nephew running around laughing and playing with everyone made me stop and think about the other little one that should be running around with my nephew! A lot of people have forgotten about it, and forgotten my Angel, but I haven't and don't think I will ever forget that little ache in my heart that I get when I've realized that I don't have my little one here, learning about Christmas and getting stockings and presents ready..

I do have to admit, within the last 4 years I have always dreaded Christmas's, birthdays etc. because it is a constant reminder that I am getting older and nothing is changing, nothing is improving..
But, for the first time, I am looking forward to Christmas Day, as I'm spending the evening at my sister's place with her, her hubby & my nephew.

I have to admit, this year I have felt a little better about things, and I have actually spent a fair amount of money and bought some nice bits - I just hope everyone will like them lol
But, it is the thought that counts, so I just hope it count's enough ;)

There will always be one missing.
xx My Angel xx

Saturday, 29 November 2014

A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes...

Over the last few weeks I have been having so many dreams about babies.

These dreams are either being pregnant, having multiple losses or even having children.
In a way it is a little disturbing because I always wake up feeling confused and a little hurt, I guess my body/biological clock is telling me to get a move on and have kids, but my heart isn't ready.. I would give anything to have my own baby or even have lots of children, I love children and babies!! Worst part of being around them is when they go home to their house or when I leave because it is just empty.. No sounds of giggling or talking nothing.
Silence really makes everything hit hard.. I need to 'get over' or deal with my problems before I do anything, but I am scared that I am running out of time!

I am currently taking hormone replacements due to some problem I have.. But I have been told to stop taking them after Christmas.. Not sure if it is worth not taking them next month, see how I get on and see how it goes!

I've heard so many people say, the more you want something, the longer it takes to happen!
Personally, I wasn't expecting to actually get pregnant when I did, and then to have my losses within 2 months was just awful.