Tuesday, 29 July 2014

One Of The Hardest Things I Have Done...

I don't know what possessed me to go through one of my blogs tonight, but I went back to 2010, and looked at February and March, to see if anything had been written on my other blog to see if I had written something that I hadn't wrote on here, and I did.

I found quite a few posts, posts that I am pretty sure are not on here, and I read them all carefully making sure I didn't miss any information, and have now upset myself.

Although it has been over 4 years now since it happened, it is something that I clearly haven't gotten over or thought about properly.
Looks like I am going to have to push for counselling to help me deal with and somewhat get over this experience, especially since it is something that is hiding at the back of my mind and comes out every now and then and reminds me of the fears and the hurt of what I went through.

I don't know if I have mentioned it on this blog (I don't read my blogs back) about the possibility of 'trying' for a new baby?? This is something that scares the living daylights out of me.

There is so much fear, that I don't even know what to do or say or talk about because no one understands and no one will listen.
I think now, it is time that I deal with this, and perhaps try and move myself forwards a little, because clearly the fear is stopping me from so much, and the fear has taken over my life.

There is nothing more that I want to be in this life, other than a mum, and I really want to have my own babies before it's too late, I am almost 30, and the last time it happened, I was 22.. (I am 27 now)

Monday, 7 July 2014

Looking To The Future..

It is a little difficult moving past all of this, but I am doing the best I can, especially with the little information I was given. That makes it slightly hard.
But, I have actually been talking about "trying again" although I am terrified that I will go through this again.. But I have read so many nice stories in a "TTC After An Ectopic" group on facebook.. I read somewhere that if your ectopic pregnancy ruptured and your body started filling up with blood, that in turn damages your remaining tube, and also with me not knowing what kind of state the remaining one is in if it is in a bad way, it makes that thought a little more terrifying.

Only reason I have been thinking and talking about trying again is because I have recently got myself into Crochet, and I have been making some baby bits for a friend, and another friend wants me to make her new baby a blanket etc. etc. etc.
I love the little booties they are soo tiny and it has made me broody BIG TIME.

I don't have to go back to my doctor till August regarding the hormone replacement pills that I have been taking since May for my bleeding problems, I am going to mention it to her then and see what can be done or can help me find out if everything is "OK".
After talking to an Aunt about it, she said that I may need a "clean out" because she too struggled to have kids with her first, she had some kind of clean out and she fell pregnant on the 2nd time, so there is so many things that can be done or talked about, it is just getting over the fear.
I know that it wont be easy, and I know there are still lots of complications that can come with some pregnancies, because everyone is different.
Although, I have already been told that following some treatment that I had done, that I can be at risk of a premature labor.. Soooo... We'll see I think...

Sunday, 15 June 2014

Stunned & Amazed...

So tonight I thought about opening up a special page on Facebook to do with my Angel that I lost due to my Ectopic Pregnancy, and thought that I would make it so that I can provide some kind of support and help, and also make people feel like their Angel(s) matter! Especially since I was made to think mine didn't.
After a while I found some somewhat disturbing pictures to do with the process of the operations for the laparoscopic operation, but I found some that where somewhat strange, especially one of them being a little baby in a clear sac, saw where the image was uploaded too, and decided to read the link it came from and I then had to read the post twice, as I was stunned by what I saw, a perfectly formed unborn baby in a clear sac at 6 weeks (8 weeks pregnant) that was removed from an ectopic pregnancy, and from reading the information I was just stunned and amazed, especially since I have been told that my baby wasn't a baby it was just a bunch of cells, or it never formed properly because of the fertilized egg was in my tube and so much more! But reading this study from a professional has made me feel somewhat better about the situation and has also changed my views on how I see things.
If this is even true, then I feel a little better knowing that when my tube ruptured at 12weeks that it WAS a baby and not what other people had tried to make me believe all these years.

This is the image that I found that was strange...
It has this information:
A six week embryonic age or eight week gestational age intact Embyo, found in a Ruptured Ectopic pregnancy case operated by me. It is rare to find the embryo in ruptured ectopic pregnancy. - See more at: http://www.prolifeinfo.ie/life/science-photos/#sthash.1gprCq9t.dpuf

It is from this website:
http://www.prolifeinfo.ie/life/science-photos/


Make's you think..... Doesn't it??

Wednesday, 7 May 2014

It's Been A While..

I have been absent from this blog for a little while now, and this is something that I did not intend to happen. I have been distracted with my mental health and personal problems and learning new things that I have put this blog aside which is something that I did not want to do intentionally. Since Christmas, I have been having a few minor health problems, and realised that I needed to "sort myself out" with that said, I had to sort out my mental health to some extent.. I have been placed on Anti Depressants - which aren't really helping right now! But I have a review come Monday, so lets hope something gets done now. At least one thing is for sure, I finally got my diagnosis! Whats worse, is that I was diagnosed in 2008... Which is that I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) Anxiety & Depression... That was in 2008, now 2014 I have the same diagnosis and a little more help than what I was getting before.
To help pass the time, and distract me I have been learning how to cross stitch and crochet, and I am also slowly getting back into making graphic pictures for other people.. This is something that I love to do and I hope that I am able to make more things in the future..

Saturday, 9 November 2013

That Time Of Year Is Approaching ..... Fast!

We've just come into November, and it is slightly worrying as Christmas is just around the corner, not long now.. And at the moment I am feeling pretty empty and a little flat.

Every day I am reminded that I do not have a child, every day I am reminded that I failed as a person, and failed at becoming a mum.

I wish I knew what to do to make it 'right' or at least make it 'ok' don't get me wrong, I have a gorgeous 9 month old nephew now and I spend as much time with him as I can because I love him so so much, and what I am witnessing and teaching him as he grows makes me sad that I will never get to do the same with my own baby.. It is heartbreaking.

When I don't see him, I look at the pictures that I have of him that I take when I go around there and looking at his smile and his gorgeous eyes melts my heart and my heart then breaks again 10 times over.

Really really wish that I didn't fail and that I wish my baby grew in my uterus instead of my left tube!
If my dreams came true, I should have a gorgeous 3 year old running around driving mummy mad.. But instead I am left with nothing :(

Admittedly, over time it has got easier to deal with - especially since I never really grieved because no one wanted me to talk about it, no one wanted me to mention my experience again, so I just bottle it up along with my other problems. It all just sucks sucks sucks!!

Maybe one day, my dream will come true and I will get my chance of being a mum.. a REAL mum.

Saturday, 7 September 2013

7th September

So, today is the 7th September, and in a month time it will be the 7th October.. 7th October should've been my due date, which means that I should have an almost 3 year old bouncing around keeping my on my toes instead of having this hole that cannot be filled..
Its weird how it feels, and it all has effected me in so many different ways, sometimes I am ok others I am not, but for the last few months I thought I had been "OK" perhaps its my friends announcing pregnancies and announcing birth's that it is making me feel a little odd and strange, perhaps?

I am happy for everyone, I really am, I guess I just wish... "I wish that was me" or "I wish it was my turn" for now.. I am stuck with this coil things in hopes it stops my bleeding - been in 5months and still having a little trouble with it :/

Buying crafty stuff and jewellery bits to make isn't helping anymore, I thought that having all these cool things made and making bits for people would've worked or sold or helped someone, instead I feel as if I am banging my head against a brick wall.. Its awful.. I just wish I could come out of the shadows that I've managed to put myself in and feel other things instead of feeling all the feelings that I am feeling now!
I have a nephew and a Godson to think of and look out for as they grow up but even that doesn't help at the moment.. Probably doesn't help that I see them once a week due to current circumstances and things have changed, and they will continue changing I guess, just wish the world would stop.. even if it was just for 5 mins so I could catch up or keep up or something.. I dunno.. all I know is that my head is all over the place and I want to be happy, I really really do, but finding my happiness is proving difficult!

Must try not to give up and let go..

Friday, 28 June 2013

Thinking Of The Past..

I know its something you shouldn't do, or at least do all the time - which I don't, always, just sometimes! And been wondering if it is worth finding out what happened when I had my Ectopic Pregnancy, and find out exactly what happened to make my tube rupture, and find out the tests they did when they removed the baby from my tube including my tube.

With it being over 3 years since it happened, it has been something that I have been wondering a lot recently, or at least a lot more since I had that weird dream that I have mentioned in a couple of previous blog entries.
Some people may say that I may not be able to cope, but in all honesty, I showed that I could be strong by going through what I went through, and although I may have shown that I have dealt with it, I really haven't because I have so many questions that need answering.

Really, I just need to find out how to go about getting the answers I guess I am looking for? Has anyone wanted to do something similar to what I am thinking about at the moment!?
If you have, could you comment on my post to give me some kind of idea on how to do this and some hope.

Thanks x

Monday, 6 May 2013

Bespoke Keepsakes (repost)


I wanted to let you all know about a new page that I have helped set up and made things for.

Its called Bespoke Keepsakes.


Basically, this page is for handmade keepsakes and treasures, they are made for everyone
(Babies, Children, Adults)
Also includes memorial items for memory boxes in memory of Angels & more!

I bought some clay and moulds and cutters etc. to use to make things out of to make for people who are grieving, and to help bring some people some peace.

Also, I hoped that I could make things that mean more than some silly graphics that I spend hours at a time usually making and never get nothing in return - not that I ask for anything, but something more than:
"Thank You, Saved" or "Thanks" or "Saved"

Just makes me feel sad, because I feel that what I have made isn't good enough, and no one seems to show any appreciation anymore :(

Hopefully, this will bring people happiness and appreciate these a little more.
Especially since I have found that there aren't many sites that make and personalize items like this for you in the UK, I have found that many of them, especially on facebook are in the United States!
Which means you're paying a little more for the item including a lot more on postage!

With a bit of luck, I can help change that!!

If you are reading this, and are interested please come and find them here:

Saturday, 4 May 2013

You Learn Something New Everyday!!!

I have just joined Pintrest, I am sure many of you have heard about this before!? I found this blog on there, that just amazed me, and admire the person/people who have continued to repin the blog for everyone to see!!
If you would like to see the Pintrest post you will find it >>here<<

As I was flicking through seeing what is available in the Ectopic Pregnancy search, many pictures and information was thrown at me.. And I was a little amazed at what information people have shared, for example:
Marilyn Monroe, she had an Ectopic Pregnancy in 1957, and is also reported to have had a couple of miscarriages. From what I read, her husband at the time, left her because he wanted kids!!

I also read a while ago that the lady from Torvill & Dean, also had an Ectopic Pregnancy..

They are the only two main stars that I know of that have had similar experiences. Neither of which ever really got over it. But then how can you get over this kind of loss!? Whether you lose your tube, or not. At the end of the day, Ectopic Pregnancies are pregnancies, and should be classed as Pregnancy Loss, because the fetus grows in the fallopian tube, or ovaries or other places around our reproductive systems, its just when they get to a certain stage and grow bigger is when they rupture!


I picked this up from one of the posts on Pintrest.

Friday, 3 May 2013

What To Do...?

So, I have been having a weird couple of days, because in just under 2 weeks it will be my birthday, I will be 26 *ouch* what is depressing is knowing that I will be 26 and still no where near to what I wanted to be when I grew up, which was to be just like my mum. I had hoped I would have been married by now, and have children.. All I have is my Angel, Billie, and a possible number of miscarriages that had never been confirmed. I have my cat though, but it isn't the same. Although I have to admit he does do my head in and is into everything I try and do, like my cross stitch, he thinks its an invitation to play as soon as he spots my threads move.
Although I do not have children, I am in a way thankful that my friends have children, especially my best friend. Her children are 9, 5 and 1, and the youngest is my Godson! Its nice knowing that they have me to look up to and admire (I hope) and play with. I love them all the same, and love being called "Aunty Sammy" but its when I leave, that I realise that there is something missing in my life, and I think that is it.. Apart of me is desperate to be a mummy, or be able to have a chance to have another child at some point, but I think whats making me feel worse is the fact that I have been having this bleeding problem now since June 2012, and I am still waiting for the coil to work, and worrying if it doesn't work that I will get too old to be able to do it. I reallly wanna be a mummy, and had hoped that I would have at least 3 by now, just like my mum. But unfortunately, it didn't happen and it really is unfair!! All I ask is WHY ME, still, 3 years on I have no answers.. Really wish I had them!!

Now, I am just unsure on what to do, what to say and feel embarrassed to talk to someone about it, which I guess is why I write to this blog from time to time, I know people flick through, find it and read my posts, but it feels a little better to me in some way than actually talking to someone face to face.

Friday, 5 April 2013

Follow Up About My Dream..

This is a follow up from my blog post "My Weird Dream I Had" that I wrote 27th March 2013.

Basically, the dream has been bugging me for a few weeks now, and still been unable to talk to someone about it.. Until last night. I mentioned the dream to a friend, because she often gets messages given to her in her dreams. And I've never had this kind of experience before, ever!!

First she told me what she knew about Angels, and people passing over:

All I know is that when I loved one comes thru to u it means they gone where they are supposed to be and they have come to let u know they are safe

I gave her a link to the blog post about the dream, and this is what she's told me:

Congratulations as such u have a daughter that was her way of letting u know she knows who you are and that she loves you and also that she is safe

In my opinion, to me, that has put my mind at ease a little, especially since this year it was my 3rd Angelversary.. I had not done anything in particular as such, because although I don't give a damn what people think or say about the way I handle/do things, I felt a little ashamed to do something special so I did nothing :( a hand full of people were generous enough to light candles, leave messages on my wall and make little graphics for me, but none of which was asked for.. Although I have a select few people as friends and trust with that kind of information, they came through and let me know they was thinking of me.

Now, knowing that my Angel would've been a girl has made me feel a little better in myself, and gives me hope and confidence in dreams for them to show and appear with their real meanings.
Never once, have I had a dream about a little boy...

Thursday, 28 March 2013

Yes... Its About Time!!!

A few weeks ago I posted about needing to have a Hysteroscopy and a follow up Colposcopy along with a smear etc.

Well, I had the Hysteroscopy, Colposcopy, Smear, Endometrial Biopsy, Coil Fitted including a D&C on the 20th February 2013.
And well, today, just over 5 weeks later, I have got the results of my Smear - which is ALL CLEAR NO MORE ABNORMAL CELLS.. I don't need to go back now for another 3 years *yay* and my Endometrial Biopsy came back as Simple Glandular Hyperplasia which is Benign! From what I read, I can gather it is an over growth of the cells in the womb lining.. And the hospital have advised that they think the coil will help treat this, and then it suddenly dawned me, course it would help lol the coil slowly releases hormones!!!!!

Shame its taken almost 6 months to find out whats wrong, but I guess, I know now and hopefully, the coil will do its job and WORK