Friday, 29 August 2014

Babies.... Babies.... They're Everywhere...

I don't know what is wrong with me at the moment, but everywhere I turn there are so many people announcing their pregnant, they've just given birth etc.

I can't take it anymore :( I am not saying I am not happy for them, because I am!! It is just that I see pictures of people's babies/children and it makes me realise that I should have an almost 4 year old wondering around learning new things and teaching them new things etc.

Sometimes, I am ok, I know that what happened would've ended badly which ever scenario I chose.
I think its now, now that I am getting older and still have all of these fears hanging over my shoulders that it is making things feel so much worse, it is hard to explain and I don't even understand things myself sometimes!!


I need to try and work past the fear, I need to try and talk about my problems with someone understanding, I need to try and be brave and stop being negative all the time, but that in itself is a big task and could probably  be a massive challenge!!

Wish I knew what to do, how to cope with it all properly and try and move on...
But HOW?

Friday, 8 August 2014

Hospitals Do Tend To Let You Down......Sometimes!

On Tuesday (5th August) I had an appointment with my doctor regarding hormone tablets that I have had to start taking because there is some problem(s) with my hormones which I have no idea has come from!

I saw her a couple of months or so ago, and she said that she needed to find my discharge letter from the hospital when I had my ruptured ectopic to see if anything was seen when they did the laparoscopic/salpingectomy.

She told me she found the letter, and that it wasn't very helpful, meaning it only had that I was treated with a ruptured ectopic pregnancy and they removed my left tube.

I felt a little gutted, because I had kinda hoped that there had been a little more information, especially since I have seen other people's discharge letters when I have visited them in hospital, and it has made me feel a little let down by the whole situation. Not only was I left on a ward with elderly ladies, no one came to talk to me about my ordeal, and they gave hardly any information for my doctor :(

She did say that it might have been that because it was an emergency operation that they may not have been looking for any problems, meaning they wanted to save my life as I had lost a lot of blood that day, but she did say that if anything had been noticed/seen it would've been noted..

Gotta continue taking this tablets now for the next 6 months at least, and then see how I get on without the tablets - that I am not looking forward too, and it is only like 4 months away!
And until then, she will send me back to the gyneacologist at the hospital - again - no doubt they will want to fit me with another coil :( I will refuse it, it caused me so many problems!!
Just really wanted some answers I guess.. Especially to know why this happened in the first place
:(

Friday, 1 August 2014

Things Have Got To Change...

Today, I had an appointment at our local mental health center for my Borderline Personality Disorder, and I was sorting out with the lady I see with some bits that I needed to sort out, and talk about.

One of the things I forgot to write on my list was talking about the possibility of some kind of counselling. My reasons for asking is because at the time, I never saw anyone and when I tried to open up, make it aware of what an Ectopic can do to you, people had a go at me, saying that I shouldn't talk about things like this as it happens to everyone every day. Or I was told to stop going on about it etc.
In my eyes, I haven't known anyone who experienced an Ectopic pregnancy, and now 4 years on, I still don't know anyone who has had the similar experiences to me.

At this point, I thought about it long and hard and thought I might as well just never mention it again just to keep people happy.. It hurts so much that I have to keep it locked up inside, and never mention it or talk about it, clearly I needed to talk and I needed some kind of reassurance, but was never given anything by so called friends on Facebook.
Looking back, I shouldn't have let things get the way they had done because in all fairness I knew I would need something, but I guess I just had to stay strong because at that time, strong was the only thing I could be, especially since I went through so much in the few weeks up till the date I was rushed into hospital by ambulance.

During my appointment today, I broke down when I admitted that there are so many things that I am scared of and worrying about that need to be addressed. One of which is the fear of having sex, and the fear of getting pregnant again. I don't have any idea what sort of state my right tube is in, I haven't had any thing happen since I had this experience, granted, I have had a few problems "down there" since and sex has been the last thing on my mind, but I really want to be a mummy so bad, it hurts.
This is silly, but my heart aches when I hear my nephew call out for his 'mummum' and watching him grow up into the gorgeous little man is something that I have missed out on because of what happened.

I don't mean to dwell on this, but it is hard when everyone around me is pregnant, getting pregnant or having babies or had babies recently. I am not saying I am not happy for anyone because I am, I am just saying that I am struggling and wish I could just come out and admit it to people, but I can't because I am scared of the reaction that I will get from other people.

My lady that I see, asked what the ectopic is classed as, because obviously people get counselling for different types of losses, and asked if it was put down to a miscarriage, I was like, not really, because it is a complicated experience, and somethings happen, others don't.
But at least someone has agreed to help me in this respect.

I don't want to forget my baby that I lost, my baby will ALWAYS be in my heart no matter what people say. I just wish to be able to 'move on' and stop scaring myself all the time.
Hopefully, I will find out when I have my next appointment on the 27th.

Tuesday, 29 July 2014

One Of The Hardest Things I Have Done...

I don't know what possessed me to go through one of my blogs tonight, but I went back to 2010, and looked at February and March, to see if anything had been written on my other blog to see if I had written something that I hadn't wrote on here, and I did.

I found quite a few posts, posts that I am pretty sure are not on here, and I read them all carefully making sure I didn't miss any information, and have now upset myself.

Although it has been over 4 years now since it happened, it is something that I clearly haven't gotten over or thought about properly.
Looks like I am going to have to push for counselling to help me deal with and somewhat get over this experience, especially since it is something that is hiding at the back of my mind and comes out every now and then and reminds me of the fears and the hurt of what I went through.

I don't know if I have mentioned it on this blog (I don't read my blogs back) about the possibility of 'trying' for a new baby?? This is something that scares the living daylights out of me.

There is so much fear, that I don't even know what to do or say or talk about because no one understands and no one will listen.
I think now, it is time that I deal with this, and perhaps try and move myself forwards a little, because clearly the fear is stopping me from so much, and the fear has taken over my life.

There is nothing more that I want to be in this life, other than a mum, and I really want to have my own babies before it's too late, I am almost 30, and the last time it happened, I was 22.. (I am 27 now)

Monday, 7 July 2014

Looking To The Future..

It is a little difficult moving past all of this, but I am doing the best I can, especially with the little information I was given. That makes it slightly hard.
But, I have actually been talking about "trying again" although I am terrified that I will go through this again.. But I have read so many nice stories in a "TTC After An Ectopic" group on facebook.. I read somewhere that if your ectopic pregnancy ruptured and your body started filling up with blood, that in turn damages your remaining tube, and also with me not knowing what kind of state the remaining one is in if it is in a bad way, it makes that thought a little more terrifying.

Only reason I have been thinking and talking about trying again is because I have recently got myself into Crochet, and I have been making some baby bits for a friend, and another friend wants me to make her new baby a blanket etc. etc. etc.
I love the little booties they are soo tiny and it has made me broody BIG TIME.

I don't have to go back to my doctor till August regarding the hormone replacement pills that I have been taking since May for my bleeding problems, I am going to mention it to her then and see what can be done or can help me find out if everything is "OK".
After talking to an Aunt about it, she said that I may need a "clean out" because she too struggled to have kids with her first, she had some kind of clean out and she fell pregnant on the 2nd time, so there is so many things that can be done or talked about, it is just getting over the fear.
I know that it wont be easy, and I know there are still lots of complications that can come with some pregnancies, because everyone is different.
Although, I have already been told that following some treatment that I had done, that I can be at risk of a premature labor.. Soooo... We'll see I think...

Sunday, 15 June 2014

Stunned & Amazed...

So tonight I thought about opening up a special page on Facebook to do with my Angel that I lost due to my Ectopic Pregnancy, and thought that I would make it so that I can provide some kind of support and help, and also make people feel like their Angel(s) matter! Especially since I was made to think mine didn't.
After a while I found some somewhat disturbing pictures to do with the process of the operations for the laparoscopic operation, but I found some that where somewhat strange, especially one of them being a little baby in a clear sac, saw where the image was uploaded too, and decided to read the link it came from and I then had to read the post twice, as I was stunned by what I saw, a perfectly formed unborn baby in a clear sac at 6 weeks (8 weeks pregnant) that was removed from an ectopic pregnancy, and from reading the information I was just stunned and amazed, especially since I have been told that my baby wasn't a baby it was just a bunch of cells, or it never formed properly because of the fertilized egg was in my tube and so much more! But reading this study from a professional has made me feel somewhat better about the situation and has also changed my views on how I see things.
If this is even true, then I feel a little better knowing that when my tube ruptured at 12weeks that it WAS a baby and not what other people had tried to make me believe all these years.

This is the image that I found that was strange...
It has this information:
A six week embryonic age or eight week gestational age intact Embyo, found in a Ruptured Ectopic pregnancy case operated by me. It is rare to find the embryo in ruptured ectopic pregnancy. - See more at: http://www.prolifeinfo.ie/life/science-photos/#sthash.1gprCq9t.dpuf

It is from this website:
http://www.prolifeinfo.ie/life/science-photos/


Make's you think..... Doesn't it??

Wednesday, 7 May 2014

It's Been A While..

I have been absent from this blog for a little while now, and this is something that I did not intend to happen. I have been distracted with my mental health and personal problems and learning new things that I have put this blog aside which is something that I did not want to do intentionally. Since Christmas, I have been having a few minor health problems, and realised that I needed to "sort myself out" with that said, I had to sort out my mental health to some extent.. I have been placed on Anti Depressants - which aren't really helping right now! But I have a review come Monday, so lets hope something gets done now. At least one thing is for sure, I finally got my diagnosis! Whats worse, is that I was diagnosed in 2008... Which is that I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) Anxiety & Depression... That was in 2008, now 2014 I have the same diagnosis and a little more help than what I was getting before.
To help pass the time, and distract me I have been learning how to cross stitch and crochet, and I am also slowly getting back into making graphic pictures for other people.. This is something that I love to do and I hope that I am able to make more things in the future..

Saturday, 9 November 2013

That Time Of Year Is Approaching ..... Fast!

We've just come into November, and it is slightly worrying as Christmas is just around the corner, not long now.. And at the moment I am feeling pretty empty and a little flat.

Every day I am reminded that I do not have a child, every day I am reminded that I failed as a person, and failed at becoming a mum.

I wish I knew what to do to make it 'right' or at least make it 'ok' don't get me wrong, I have a gorgeous 9 month old nephew now and I spend as much time with him as I can because I love him so so much, and what I am witnessing and teaching him as he grows makes me sad that I will never get to do the same with my own baby.. It is heartbreaking.

When I don't see him, I look at the pictures that I have of him that I take when I go around there and looking at his smile and his gorgeous eyes melts my heart and my heart then breaks again 10 times over.

Really really wish that I didn't fail and that I wish my baby grew in my uterus instead of my left tube!
If my dreams came true, I should have a gorgeous 3 year old running around driving mummy mad.. But instead I am left with nothing :(

Admittedly, over time it has got easier to deal with - especially since I never really grieved because no one wanted me to talk about it, no one wanted me to mention my experience again, so I just bottle it up along with my other problems. It all just sucks sucks sucks!!

Maybe one day, my dream will come true and I will get my chance of being a mum.. a REAL mum.

Saturday, 7 September 2013

7th September

So, today is the 7th September, and in a month time it will be the 7th October.. 7th October should've been my due date, which means that I should have an almost 3 year old bouncing around keeping my on my toes instead of having this hole that cannot be filled..
Its weird how it feels, and it all has effected me in so many different ways, sometimes I am ok others I am not, but for the last few months I thought I had been "OK" perhaps its my friends announcing pregnancies and announcing birth's that it is making me feel a little odd and strange, perhaps?

I am happy for everyone, I really am, I guess I just wish... "I wish that was me" or "I wish it was my turn" for now.. I am stuck with this coil things in hopes it stops my bleeding - been in 5months and still having a little trouble with it :/

Buying crafty stuff and jewellery bits to make isn't helping anymore, I thought that having all these cool things made and making bits for people would've worked or sold or helped someone, instead I feel as if I am banging my head against a brick wall.. Its awful.. I just wish I could come out of the shadows that I've managed to put myself in and feel other things instead of feeling all the feelings that I am feeling now!
I have a nephew and a Godson to think of and look out for as they grow up but even that doesn't help at the moment.. Probably doesn't help that I see them once a week due to current circumstances and things have changed, and they will continue changing I guess, just wish the world would stop.. even if it was just for 5 mins so I could catch up or keep up or something.. I dunno.. all I know is that my head is all over the place and I want to be happy, I really really do, but finding my happiness is proving difficult!

Must try not to give up and let go..

Friday, 28 June 2013

Thinking Of The Past..

I know its something you shouldn't do, or at least do all the time - which I don't, always, just sometimes! And been wondering if it is worth finding out what happened when I had my Ectopic Pregnancy, and find out exactly what happened to make my tube rupture, and find out the tests they did when they removed the baby from my tube including my tube.

With it being over 3 years since it happened, it has been something that I have been wondering a lot recently, or at least a lot more since I had that weird dream that I have mentioned in a couple of previous blog entries.
Some people may say that I may not be able to cope, but in all honesty, I showed that I could be strong by going through what I went through, and although I may have shown that I have dealt with it, I really haven't because I have so many questions that need answering.

Really, I just need to find out how to go about getting the answers I guess I am looking for? Has anyone wanted to do something similar to what I am thinking about at the moment!?
If you have, could you comment on my post to give me some kind of idea on how to do this and some hope.

Thanks x

Monday, 6 May 2013

Bespoke Keepsakes (repost)


I wanted to let you all know about a new page that I have helped set up and made things for.

Its called Bespoke Keepsakes.


Basically, this page is for handmade keepsakes and treasures, they are made for everyone
(Babies, Children, Adults)
Also includes memorial items for memory boxes in memory of Angels & more!

I bought some clay and moulds and cutters etc. to use to make things out of to make for people who are grieving, and to help bring some people some peace.

Also, I hoped that I could make things that mean more than some silly graphics that I spend hours at a time usually making and never get nothing in return - not that I ask for anything, but something more than:
"Thank You, Saved" or "Thanks" or "Saved"

Just makes me feel sad, because I feel that what I have made isn't good enough, and no one seems to show any appreciation anymore :(

Hopefully, this will bring people happiness and appreciate these a little more.
Especially since I have found that there aren't many sites that make and personalize items like this for you in the UK, I have found that many of them, especially on facebook are in the United States!
Which means you're paying a little more for the item including a lot more on postage!

With a bit of luck, I can help change that!!

If you are reading this, and are interested please come and find them here:

Saturday, 4 May 2013

You Learn Something New Everyday!!!

I have just joined Pintrest, I am sure many of you have heard about this before!? I found this blog on there, that just amazed me, and admire the person/people who have continued to repin the blog for everyone to see!!
If you would like to see the Pintrest post you will find it >>here<<

As I was flicking through seeing what is available in the Ectopic Pregnancy search, many pictures and information was thrown at me.. And I was a little amazed at what information people have shared, for example:
Marilyn Monroe, she had an Ectopic Pregnancy in 1957, and is also reported to have had a couple of miscarriages. From what I read, her husband at the time, left her because he wanted kids!!

I also read a while ago that the lady from Torvill & Dean, also had an Ectopic Pregnancy..

They are the only two main stars that I know of that have had similar experiences. Neither of which ever really got over it. But then how can you get over this kind of loss!? Whether you lose your tube, or not. At the end of the day, Ectopic Pregnancies are pregnancies, and should be classed as Pregnancy Loss, because the fetus grows in the fallopian tube, or ovaries or other places around our reproductive systems, its just when they get to a certain stage and grow bigger is when they rupture!


I picked this up from one of the posts on Pintrest.