Tuesday, 6 January 2015

Miscarriage Information

In one of the groups I am apart of to do with Ectopic Pregnancy, someone shared a link to another blog, one talking about miscarriages.. I have just read it and I have to say that although it is a post about having a miscarriage, the feelings are still the same even though I've had an Ectopic Pregnancy.

This is quite interesting, and suggest that you should give it a read too:

(link opens in new window)

I am pretty sure that someone, like myself can relate to the information shared above.

Monday, 5 January 2015

Thinking Ahead Can Be Tough..

After talking to a woman a see from MIND this morning I have been thinking more and more and more about what I told her to do with the future.

I guess I didn't realize how scared I am of the outcome.. I would give everything to have my own family.. And after thinking about the way that things went, made me realise that I could've done everything so different :(

If I had opted for surgery the same day I was told that I could either have surgery or an injection... Thinking about it now, I really wish I had done more for myself instead of just taking the injection to see if that worked..

Really, I should've made it so that I had my last blood test instead of giving up because I couldn't get to the hospital.

If anything.. As time goes on I feel more guilty for the way I dealt with everything :'( I guess it didn't help that I didn't quite know what to expect and didn't have any kind of understanding of the situation until I googled information for Ectopic Pregnancy and realised that the pain I was in was because of the tube rupturing.

Really wish I could move on and feel a little better about the situation instead of feeling more guilty every day.. I don't want to forget what happened, just wish I could learn to deal with it properly or at least find someway of coping with it.

It's 2015 so I plan to make some changes to myself and hope to be able make myself feel and look better and attempt to solve the ache in my heart and to stop worrying about what hasn't happened yet.

Wednesday, 31 December 2014

Goodbye 2014 Hello 2015

It's that time of year again saying a big goodbye to 2014 and saying hello to 2015.

Every year I hope things will change, but they never do, so this time around I am not going to expect anything, least that way I can't get my hopes up and I shouldn't get too disappointed when nothing happens.
Only good thing to keep my optimistic for 2015 is knowing that in March I will be an Auntie again and I will have a new nephew =D I am very happy about this and cannot wait as I've got my sister and my bestie putting me on nappy changing duties!! This should get me back into the swing of things and then also help with my fears..
The one thing that does worry me with my sister being due in March is the anniversary of our Nan's death, and also the 15th March is the day that I had the emergancy operation to treat my ruptured ectopic and remove my tube.

The only person I know that has a child born on that day is my friend who lives in London, she has a little boy.

As from January I will no longer be on the HRT that the doctor put me on to help with my periods, I am worried about whats going to happen with that, but we have been talking and have been talking about trying again, I am terrified.. But I need to get over my fears before it is too late.

I just want to say a huge thank you to those of you who are reading my blog, and wishing you all a happy new year, all the best for 2015
<3 p="">

Sunday, 28 December 2014

Thank God That's Over...

That's Christmas over and done with for another year.

I did have a few tears, but I made sure these were done in secret as I don't like to draw attention to myself or then have people worried about me and then try to hug me etc.
Didn't want to get up Christmas Day in the end I wasn't tired or cold, just wasn't interested in it.

I did spend a couple of hours with my sister, brother in law and my nephew which was nice, and I am glad that they invited us, it was a little hard whilst we were there, but that is because I know that I haven't got what they have.. I am not jealous, far from that, I just see these new experiences my sister goes through and I know that I should be experiencing something similar but I am not.

Got the New Year to see in and then I don't have to worry about anything for a few months now at least lol

Wednesday, 24 December 2014

Lost The Christmas Spirit...

It's Christmas Eve today, and all over my facebook are people sharing their stories of putting out things for Santa and his reindeer.. Some people have given the reindeer carrots or special food, and they've given Santa milk and cookies or even a mince pie.

But it is hard for me to read, because this is something I am supposed to be doing, keeping the magic of Christmas alive for the sake of my child, but due to the circumstances this is something that I am missing out on. It does hurt me, it hurts me very much but I don't want to admit that I am struggling to anyone because no one understands..

I wasn't going to share this, I really tried to be strong but it is so hard.
Even though I have an almost 2 year old nephew it still makes it hard for me, but I love him more than life itself, and if I cannot spoil my own children then the next best thing is him.

If I could wish for anything in the world, I would wish that I could go back and alter my body some how to make my baby grow in my uterus instead of my left tube, or if it cannot bring back the one I love, at least bless me with a child to help ease my pain, not to replace the one I lost, but to help heal my ache that it is in my heart and hear someone call me mummy...

Getting a little emotional now, perhaps this is what I needed to do, I do need someone to talk to, someone who can help me, but it is a little hard when I do not open up or let people in..
It's when the years start to fly by so quick that you realise just how much you are missing out on, and all the things that you teach you're children etc. that it doesn't get any easier as the years go on! I would love to say yeah in 3 or 4 years down the line that things do get easier, but they really don't!!

Sunday, 21 December 2014

Almost Christmas Time, Again!

Today, I spent the whole day with my dad, step-mum, sister, nephew, Aunts, Uncles and Cousins!
It was a very busy day, but watching my nephew running around laughing and playing with everyone made me stop and think about the other little one that should be running around with my nephew! A lot of people have forgotten about it, and forgotten my Angel, but I haven't and don't think I will ever forget that little ache in my heart that I get when I've realized that I don't have my little one here, learning about Christmas and getting stockings and presents ready..

I do have to admit, within the last 4 years I have always dreaded Christmas's, birthdays etc. because it is a constant reminder that I am getting older and nothing is changing, nothing is improving..
But, for the first time, I am looking forward to Christmas Day, as I'm spending the evening at my sister's place with her, her hubby & my nephew.

I have to admit, this year I have felt a little better about things, and I have actually spent a fair amount of money and bought some nice bits - I just hope everyone will like them lol
But, it is the thought that counts, so I just hope it count's enough ;)

There will always be one missing.
xx My Angel xx

Saturday, 29 November 2014

A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes...

Over the last few weeks I have been having so many dreams about babies.

These dreams are either being pregnant, having multiple losses or even having children.
In a way it is a little disturbing because I always wake up feeling confused and a little hurt, I guess my body/biological clock is telling me to get a move on and have kids, but my heart isn't ready.. I would give anything to have my own baby or even have lots of children, I love children and babies!! Worst part of being around them is when they go home to their house or when I leave because it is just empty.. No sounds of giggling or talking nothing.
Silence really makes everything hit hard.. I need to 'get over' or deal with my problems before I do anything, but I am scared that I am running out of time!

I am currently taking hormone replacements due to some problem I have.. But I have been told to stop taking them after Christmas.. Not sure if it is worth not taking them next month, see how I get on and see how it goes!

I've heard so many people say, the more you want something, the longer it takes to happen!
Personally, I wasn't expecting to actually get pregnant when I did, and then to have my losses within 2 months was just awful.

Sunday, 9 November 2014

Counselling Confusion..

About a week or so ago, I saw my CPN at the local mental health center regarding my BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and in a few sessions before hand, I had mentioned that I was after some kind of counselling that my GP suggested to talk about before she decided to give me some kind of birth control before I think about having children because she felt I should get my BPD, Depression & Anxiety under control before I rush into something which is fair enough especially since I have had so many problems over the last 2 years due to bleeding too much too often.
Whilst I was at my appointment with my CPN I asked about the things I asked her a few months back about changing my medication because what I am taking already isn't really doing anything if anything, I feel worse and nothing is helping to make me feel better about anything.. And if she had found out any information for me to get some kind of counselling with loosing my baby due to my rupture ectopic. She looked through her paperwork and said she couldn't find anything, but did find something to do with Child Birth etc. said I should contact them and see if they offer any services to do with what I went through... So I thought about it and mentioned it to someone else who I see for 1 to 1 sessions and felt that it was no help at all!! How can a child birth and help with post natal depression etc. help me with my ruptured ectopic?
Tell you what, it is time like these when I wish I could be a counseller or something along those lines to actually help and listen to people properly and to offer some support instead of being left to deal with everything!

Monday, 22 September 2014

Get your keepsakes here...

For the last few years, I have never bought anything for my Angel until recently.

I decided that I wanted and needed something to commemorate my Angel, not to remember the bad time in my life, but to state that I DID have a baby!

My idea for setting such a page up, was because I didn't want any one else to feel like their angel didn't or doesn't matter because they do.
I am always willing to help out others, and put them first before myself.

The page is called Sammiis Bespoke Keepsakes

I hope you see this, and use my page to keep the memory of our Angels, alive.

Everything is hand made by myself, unless otherwise stated.

October is just around the corner..

We're almost at the end of September which means that October isn't far behind it.

October 6th would've been my due date, which means that I should have a happy 4 year old bouncing around wishing didn't have to grow up.

It is a shame when reality hits and you remember that you don't have every milestone to hit and get through.. Never thought that seeing my nephew grow would hurt so much.
I love him to the end of the universe but he does remind me of things that I have and am missing out on from having lost my child in such a graphic way.
Obviously, there was no happy ending to come from having my ectopic pregnancy. I still don't know why this happened, and why it was ME this happened too :( makes me sad and sick that there are people out there having children to trap men, abusing kids or even worse.

I am always wishing and hoping that one day, just one day I can have my own miracle and not feel like I am missing out or left out from being a mum.
Scares me even more when that sudden realization is, is that I am almost 30

Heart aches and breaks a little more each day, but I paint a smile on my face because it is easier pretending to be OK than it is to talk about it.

Sunday, 31 August 2014

Why Do People Avoid Me??

Today, I do what I normally do every sunday, and that is see and spend time with my gorgeous nephew as well as my mum and see my sister.

Well, I mentioned to a 'friend' that I can't wait till I have my own children.. After a couple of smily face messages being shared, I said, "I kinda have one" then quickly followed that up with "Well I do have one :)" I was then asked, if I was pregnant, I sent a picture of my ink and said 'No, I lost my baby'.

These messages were shared around 3pm this afternoon and it is now 23:41 and I haven't heard NOTHING since.. Why do people avoid the subject of loosing a baby??

I aint diseased or anything, I don't open up often and when you think it is safe to, you get ignored. I hate it.. Sometimes, I even hate the fact that I lost my baby more so because it stops people feeling awkward.

Trouble with baby loss and talking about it is that in all fairness no one wants to hear it and it isn't fair. I don't want to mention it to someone to then be ignored..


Friday, 29 August 2014

Babies.... Babies.... They're Everywhere...

I don't know what is wrong with me at the moment, but everywhere I turn there are so many people announcing their pregnant, they've just given birth etc.

I can't take it anymore :( I am not saying I am not happy for them, because I am!! It is just that I see pictures of people's babies/children and it makes me realise that I should have an almost 4 year old wondering around learning new things and teaching them new things etc.

Sometimes, I am ok, I know that what happened would've ended badly which ever scenario I chose.
I think its now, now that I am getting older and still have all of these fears hanging over my shoulders that it is making things feel so much worse, it is hard to explain and I don't even understand things myself sometimes!!

I need to try and work past the fear, I need to try and talk about my problems with someone understanding, I need to try and be brave and stop being negative all the time, but that in itself is a big task and could probably  be a massive challenge!!

Wish I knew what to do, how to cope with it all properly and try and move on...
But HOW?