We've just come into November, and it is slightly worrying as Christmas is just around the corner, not long now.. And at the moment I am feeling pretty empty and a little flat.
Every day I am reminded that I do not have a child, every day I am reminded that I failed as a person, and failed at becoming a mum.
I wish I knew what to do to make it 'right' or at least make it 'ok' don't get me wrong, I have a gorgeous 9 month old nephew now and I spend as much time with him as I can because I love him so so much, and what I am witnessing and teaching him as he grows makes me sad that I will never get to do the same with my own baby.. It is heartbreaking.
When I don't see him, I look at the pictures that I have of him that I take when I go around there and looking at his smile and his gorgeous eyes melts my heart and my heart then breaks again 10 times over.
Really really wish that I didn't fail and that I wish my baby grew in my uterus instead of my left tube!
If my dreams came true, I should have a gorgeous 3 year old running around driving mummy mad.. But instead I am left with nothing :(
Admittedly, over time it has got easier to deal with - especially since I never really grieved because no one wanted me to talk about it, no one wanted me to mention my experience again, so I just bottle it up along with my other problems. It all just sucks sucks sucks!!
Maybe one day, my dream will come true and I will get my chance of being a mum.. a REAL mum.