Saturday, 9 November 2013

That Time Of Year Is Approaching ..... Fast!

We've just come into November, and it is slightly worrying as Christmas is just around the corner, not long now.. And at the moment I am feeling pretty empty and a little flat.

Every day I am reminded that I do not have a child, every day I am reminded that I failed as a person, and failed at becoming a mum.

I wish I knew what to do to make it 'right' or at least make it 'ok' don't get me wrong, I have a gorgeous 9 month old nephew now and I spend as much time with him as I can because I love him so so much, and what I am witnessing and teaching him as he grows makes me sad that I will never get to do the same with my own baby.. It is heartbreaking.

When I don't see him, I look at the pictures that I have of him that I take when I go around there and looking at his smile and his gorgeous eyes melts my heart and my heart then breaks again 10 times over.

Really really wish that I didn't fail and that I wish my baby grew in my uterus instead of my left tube!
If my dreams came true, I should have a gorgeous 3 year old running around driving mummy mad.. But instead I am left with nothing :(

Admittedly, over time it has got easier to deal with - especially since I never really grieved because no one wanted me to talk about it, no one wanted me to mention my experience again, so I just bottle it up along with my other problems. It all just sucks sucks sucks!!

Maybe one day, my dream will come true and I will get my chance of being a mum.. a REAL mum.

Saturday, 7 September 2013

7th September

So, today is the 7th September, and in a month time it will be the 7th October.. 7th October should've been my due date, which means that I should have an almost 3 year old bouncing around keeping my on my toes instead of having this hole that cannot be filled..
Its weird how it feels, and it all has effected me in so many different ways, sometimes I am ok others I am not, but for the last few months I thought I had been "OK" perhaps its my friends announcing pregnancies and announcing birth's that it is making me feel a little odd and strange, perhaps?

I am happy for everyone, I really am, I guess I just wish... "I wish that was me" or "I wish it was my turn" for now.. I am stuck with this coil things in hopes it stops my bleeding - been in 5months and still having a little trouble with it :/

Buying crafty stuff and jewellery bits to make isn't helping anymore, I thought that having all these cool things made and making bits for people would've worked or sold or helped someone, instead I feel as if I am banging my head against a brick wall.. Its awful.. I just wish I could come out of the shadows that I've managed to put myself in and feel other things instead of feeling all the feelings that I am feeling now!
I have a nephew and a Godson to think of and look out for as they grow up but even that doesn't help at the moment.. Probably doesn't help that I see them once a week due to current circumstances and things have changed, and they will continue changing I guess, just wish the world would stop.. even if it was just for 5 mins so I could catch up or keep up or something.. I dunno.. all I know is that my head is all over the place and I want to be happy, I really really do, but finding my happiness is proving difficult!

Must try not to give up and let go..

Friday, 28 June 2013

Thinking Of The Past..

I know its something you shouldn't do, or at least do all the time - which I don't, always, just sometimes! And been wondering if it is worth finding out what happened when I had my Ectopic Pregnancy, and find out exactly what happened to make my tube rupture, and find out the tests they did when they removed the baby from my tube including my tube.

With it being over 3 years since it happened, it has been something that I have been wondering a lot recently, or at least a lot more since I had that weird dream that I have mentioned in a couple of previous blog entries.
Some people may say that I may not be able to cope, but in all honesty, I showed that I could be strong by going through what I went through, and although I may have shown that I have dealt with it, I really haven't because I have so many questions that need answering.

Really, I just need to find out how to go about getting the answers I guess I am looking for? Has anyone wanted to do something similar to what I am thinking about at the moment!?
If you have, could you comment on my post to give me some kind of idea on how to do this and some hope.

Thanks x

Monday, 6 May 2013

Keepsakes & Treasures (repost)


I wanted to let you all know about a new page that I have helped set up and made things for.

Its called Keepsakes & Treasures.


Basically, this page is for handmade keepsakes and treasures, they are made for everyone
(Babies, Children, Adults)
Also includes memorial items for memory boxes in memory of Angels & more!

I bought some clay and moulds and cutters etc. to use to make things out of to make for people who are grieving, and to help bring some people some peace.

Also, I hoped that I could make things that mean more than some silly graphics that I spend hours at a time usually making and never get nothing in return - not that I ask for anything, but something more than:
"Thank You, Saved" or "Thanks" or "Saved"

Just makes me feel sad, because I feel that what I have made isn't good enough, and no one seems to show any appreciation anymore :(

Hopefully, this will bring people happiness and appreciate these a little more.
Especially since I have found that there aren't many sites that make and personalize items like this for you in the UK, I have found that many of them, especially on facebook are in the United States!
Which means you're paying a little more for the item including a lot more on postage!

With a bit of luck, I can help change that!!

If you are reading this, and are interested please come and find them here:

Saturday, 4 May 2013

You Learn Something New Everyday!!!

I have just joined Pintrest, I am sure many of you have heard about this before!? I found this blog on there, that just amazed me, and admire the person/people who have continued to repin the blog for everyone to see!!
If you would like to see the Pintrest post you will find it >>here<<

As I was flicking through seeing what is available in the Ectopic Pregnancy search, many pictures and information was thrown at me.. And I was a little amazed at what information people have shared, for example:
Marilyn Monroe, she had an Ectopic Pregnancy in 1957, and is also reported to have had a couple of miscarriages. From what I read, her husband at the time, left her because he wanted kids!!

I also read a while ago that the lady from Torvill & Dean, also had an Ectopic Pregnancy..

They are the only two main stars that I know of that have had similar experiences. Neither of which ever really got over it. But then how can you get over this kind of loss!? Whether you lose your tube, or not. At the end of the day, Ectopic Pregnancies are pregnancies, and should be classed as Pregnancy Loss, because the fetus grows in the fallopian tube, or ovaries or other places around our reproductive systems, its just when they get to a certain stage and grow bigger is when they rupture!


I picked this up from one of the posts on Pintrest.

Friday, 3 May 2013

What To Do...?

So, I have been having a weird couple of days, because in just under 2 weeks it will be my birthday, I will be 26 *ouch* what is depressing is knowing that I will be 26 and still no where near to what I wanted to be when I grew up, which was to be just like my mum. I had hoped I would have been married by now, and have children.. All I have is my Angel, Billie, and a possible number of miscarriages that had never been confirmed. I have my cat though, but it isn't the same. Although I have to admit he does do my head in and is into everything I try and do, like my cross stitch, he thinks its an invitation to play as soon as he spots my threads move.
Although I do not have children, I am in a way thankful that my friends have children, especially my best friend. Her children are 9, 5 and 1, and the youngest is my Godson! Its nice knowing that they have me to look up to and admire (I hope) and play with. I love them all the same, and love being called "Aunty Sammy" but its when I leave, that I realise that there is something missing in my life, and I think that is it.. Apart of me is desperate to be a mummy, or be able to have a chance to have another child at some point, but I think whats making me feel worse is the fact that I have been having this bleeding problem now since June 2012, and I am still waiting for the coil to work, and worrying if it doesn't work that I will get too old to be able to do it. I reallly wanna be a mummy, and had hoped that I would have at least 3 by now, just like my mum. But unfortunately, it didn't happen and it really is unfair!! All I ask is WHY ME, still, 3 years on I have no answers.. Really wish I had them!!

Now, I am just unsure on what to do, what to say and feel embarrassed to talk to someone about it, which I guess is why I write to this blog from time to time, I know people flick through, find it and read my posts, but it feels a little better to me in some way than actually talking to someone face to face.

Friday, 5 April 2013

Follow Up About My Dream..

This is a follow up from my blog post "My Weird Dream I Had" that I wrote 27th March 2013.

Basically, the dream has been bugging me for a few weeks now, and still been unable to talk to someone about it.. Until last night. I mentioned the dream to a friend, because she often gets messages given to her in her dreams. And I've never had this kind of experience before, ever!!

First she told me what she knew about Angels, and people passing over:

All I know is that when I loved one comes thru to u it means they gone where they are supposed to be and they have come to let u know they are safe

I gave her a link to the blog post about the dream, and this is what she's told me:

Congratulations as such u have a daughter that was her way of letting u know she knows who you are and that she loves you and also that she is safe

In my opinion, to me, that has put my mind at ease a little, especially since this year it was my 3rd Angelversary.. I had not done anything in particular as such, because although I don't give a damn what people think or say about the way I handle/do things, I felt a little ashamed to do something special so I did nothing :( a hand full of people were generous enough to light candles, leave messages on my wall and make little graphics for me, but none of which was asked for.. Although I have a select few people as friends and trust with that kind of information, they came through and let me know they was thinking of me.

Now, knowing that my Angel would've been a girl has made me feel a little better in myself, and gives me hope and confidence in dreams for them to show and appear with their real meanings.
Never once, have I had a dream about a little boy...

Thursday, 28 March 2013

Yes... Its About Time!!!

A few weeks ago I posted about needing to have a Hysteroscopy and a follow up Colposcopy along with a smear etc.

Well, I had the Hysteroscopy, Colposcopy, Smear, Endometrial Biopsy, Coil Fitted including a D&C on the 20th February 2013.
And well, today, just over 5 weeks later, I have got the results of my Smear - which is ALL CLEAR NO MORE ABNORMAL CELLS.. I don't need to go back now for another 3 years *yay* and my Endometrial Biopsy came back as Simple Glandular Hyperplasia which is Benign! From what I read, I can gather it is an over growth of the cells in the womb lining.. And the hospital have advised that they think the coil will help treat this, and then it suddenly dawned me, course it would help lol the coil slowly releases hormones!!!!!

Shame its taken almost 6 months to find out whats wrong, but I guess, I know now and hopefully, the coil will do its job and WORK

A Poem Called "The Ectopic"

The Ectopic

'Your uterus is empty' they say as they perform the scan,
but its my heart that empties as I hold your fathers hand.
'We'll give you an injection and the ectopic will resolve',
The ectopic is what they call you my baby, who I dearly long to hold,
and resolve has not the meaning which it might to you and I,
instead its a polite way of telling me you will die.
'Not viable' I hear them say, which means that you wont live,
Ill never get to take you home or share the love I have to give.
'They had an ectopic' is the way whats happened is described,
which hardly seems to recognize we had a baby who has died.
I wish that they would use the words, the ones that make it real,
then maybe they would understand the sorrow that I feel.

Found:
http://www.pregnancyforum.org.uk/showthread.php/251159-Poems-about-loss

Baby Loss Poem I Found:

Was flicking through google for some poems on Ectopic Pregnancy, and I came across this one, so thought I would share:

Mommy and daddy need you baby, but they say you have to go away!

You are not in mommy's uterus so you simply cant stay!
My heart is truelly broken as the tears roll down my eyes.
I can't believe i had to do this i hope i can sleep tonight.
It would kill us both baby if you stay here.
Although I dont know if i want to be here without you near.
They gave mommy this medicine, it hurt mommy real bad.
But not as much as it did me and daddy to loose you baby, we are so sad.
Ive never felt so much pain in my life.
And... I truelly wonder if we are going to be alright.
It took me and daddy so long to get you baby and then you had to leave.
If I could take it back, I'd wish it could be me!
RIP we love you baby!


(http://community.babycenter.com/post/a23835107/the_loss_of_my_child_poem)

Wednesday, 27 March 2013

My Weird Dream I Had...

I haven't posted about my dreams before, so thought I might give it a try!!

The other night, I had a dream that I finally got pregnant, but it was a little weird because in my dream, I ended up giving birth but had complications.. And because it scared me a little and was very vivid, I kinda woke up and don't remember much about that dream!!

But.. I had a dream this morning which scared me awake. It wasn't very long because it was that weird...

I had a dream, that it was a few years after I lost my Angel, Billie (I had lost Billie, my Ectopic 15th March 2010), and I well, I had this appointment to see someone. I was sitting in the waiting room with my mum, and was lead into this side room with a table in the middle, and was lead in by a man, I think he may had been the doctor, I am not sure!?
Anyway, in this room I was suddenly presented with this sheet of paper that had ALL my scans on, including all the HCG level's information and other bits of information too.. For some reason, I had a picture of my Angel on there - showing me what he/she looked like.. But, what I remember most of all is that when they presented me with the sheet of paper with all the information on it, he said to me
"I want you to meet your daughter!!!"

Now, I don't know what that means if there is any significance behind it or what, but it was very strange.
I have so many questions running around in my mind..

"Do I want to find out what happened?"
"Why did it happen to me?"
"Is Billie a girl?"
"Will I ever find out what results were produced?"

Since it has been a little over 3 years now, its making me wonder if I am going to be ready to question it and possibly demand to see my notes and find out if there is any information as to what happened and if they was able to determine if Billie is a girl or a boy.. But I am not sure if I am strong enough to go through that, even still now, even though it has been 3 years since.. I am guessing it would put my mind at ease, but when I had the Ectopic and was in hospital and signing various things, one of them was to do tests on the baby.. So surely, I should had known what they did to it, and what they did after... Actually, what they did after all the tests has suddenly dawned on me that I don't know if I want to know what they did with my baby afterwards... The thought of it is actually pretty worrying and upsetting...

Wednesday, 20 March 2013

Keepsakes & Treasures For Everyone, Includes Angels

I wanted to let you all know about a new page that I have helped set up and made things for.



Basically, this page is for handmade keepsakes and treasures, they are made for everyone
(Babies, Children, Adults)
Also includes memorial items for memory boxes in memory of Angels & more!

I bought some clay and moulds and cutters etc. to use to make things out of to make for people who are grieving, and to help bring some people some peace.

Also, I hoped that I could make things that mean more than some silly graphics that I spend hours at a time usually making and never get nothing in return - not that I ask for anything, but something more than:
"Thank You, Saved" or "Thanks" or "Saved"

Just makes me feel sad, because I feel that what I have made isn't good enough, and no one seems to show any appreciation anymore :(

Hopefully, this will bring people happiness and appreciate these a little more.
Especially since I have found that there aren't many sites that make and personalize items like this for you in the UK, I have found that many of them, especially on facebook are in the United States!
Which means you're paying a little more for the item including a lot more on postage!

With a bit of luck, I can help change that!!

If you are reading this, and are interested please come and find them here: