Goodbye 2014 Hello 2015

It's that time of year again saying a big goodbye to 2014 and saying hello to 2015.

Every year I hope things will change, but they never do, so this time around I am not going to expect anything, least that way I can't get my hopes up and I shouldn't get too disappointed when nothing happens.

Only good thing to keep my optimistic for 2015 is knowing that in March I will be an Auntie again and I will have a new nephew =D I am very happy about this and cannot wait as I've got my sister and my bestie putting me on nappy changing duties!! This should get me back into the swing of things and then also help with my fears..

The one thing that does worry me with my sister being due in March is the anniversary of our Nan's death, and also the 15th March is the day that I had the emergancy operation to treat my ruptured ectopic and remove my tube.

The only person I know that has a child born on that day is my friend who lives in London, she has a little boy.

As from January I will no longer be on the HRT that the doctor put me on to help with my periods, I am worried about whats going to happen with that, but we have been talking and have been talking about trying again, I am terrified.. But I need to get over my fears before it is too late.

I just want to say a huge thank you to those of you who are reading my blog, and wishing you all a happy new year, all the best for 2015

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Thank God That's Over...

That's Christmas over and done with for another year.

I did have a few tears, but I made sure these were done in secret as I don't like to draw attention to myself or then have people worried about me and then try to hug me etc.

Didn't want to get up Christmas Day in the end I wasn't tired or cold, just wasn't interested in it.

I did spend a couple of hours with my sister, brother in law and my nephew which was nice, and I am glad that they invited us, it was a little hard whilst we were there, but that is because I know that I haven't got what they have.. I am not jealous, far from that, I just see these new experiences my sister goes through and I know that I should be experiencing something similar but I am not.

Got the New Year to see in and then I don't have to worry about anything for a few months now at least lol

Lost The Christmas Spirit...

It's Christmas Eve today, and all over my facebook are people sharing their stories of putting out things for Santa and his reindeer.. Some people have given the reindeer carrots or special food, and they've given Santa milk and cookies or even a mince pie.

But it is hard for me to read, because this is something I am supposed to be doing, keeping the magic of Christmas alive for the sake of my child, but due to the circumstances this is something that I am missing out on. It does hurt me, it hurts me very much but I don't want to admit that I am struggling to anyone because no one understands..

I wasn't going to share this, I really tried to be strong but it is so hard.

Even though I have an almost 2 year old nephew it still makes it hard for me, but I love him more than life itself, and if I cannot spoil my own children then the next best thing is him.

If I could wish for anything in the world, I would wish that I could go back and alter my body some how to make my baby grow in my uterus instead of my left tube, or if it cannot bring back the one I love, at least bless me with a child to help ease my pain, not to replace the one I lost, but to help heal my ache that it is in my heart and hear someone call me mummy...

Getting a little emotional now, perhaps this is what I needed to do, I do need someone to talk to, someone who can help me, but it is a little hard when I do not open up or let people in..

It's when the years start to fly by so quick that you realise just how much you are missing out on, and all the things that you teach you're children etc. that it doesn't get any easier as the years go on! I would love to say yeah in 3 or 4 years down the line that things do get easier, but they really don't!!

Almost Christmas Time, Again!

Today, I spent the whole day with my dad, step-mum, sister, nephew, Aunts, Uncles and Cousins!

It was a very busy day, but watching my nephew running around laughing and playing with everyone made me stop and think about the other little one that should be running around with my nephew! A lot of people have forgotten about it, and forgotten my Angel, but I haven't and don't think I will ever forget that little ache in my heart that I get when I've realized that I don't have my little one here, learning about Christmas and getting stockings and presents ready..

I do have to admit, within the last 4 years I have always dreaded Christmas's, birthdays etc. because it is a constant reminder that I am getting older and nothing is changing, nothing is improving..

But, for the first time, I am looking forward to Christmas Day, as I'm spending the evening at my sister's place with her, her hubby & my nephew.

I have to admit, this year I have felt a little better about things, and I have actually spent a fair amount of money and bought some nice bits - I just hope everyone will like them lol

But, it is the thought that counts, so I just hope it count's enough ;)

There will always be one missing.

xx My Angel xx

A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes...

Over the last few weeks I have been having so many dreams about babies.

These dreams are either being pregnant, having multiple losses or even having children.

In a way it is a little disturbing because I always wake up feeling confused and a little hurt, I guess my body/biological clock is telling me to get a move on and have kids, but my heart isn't ready.. I would give anything to have my own baby or even have lots of children, I love children and babies!! Worst part of being around them is when they go home to their house or when I leave because it is just empty.. No sounds of giggling or talking nothing.

Silence really makes everything hit hard.. I need to 'get over' or deal with my problems before I do anything, but I am scared that I am running out of time!

I am currently taking hormone replacements due to some problem I have.. But I have been told to stop taking them after Christmas.. Not sure if it is worth not taking them next month, see how I get on and see how it goes!

I've heard so many people say, the more you want something, the longer it takes to happen!

Personally, I wasn't expecting to actually get pregnant when I did, and then to have my losses within 2 months was just awful.

Counselling Confusion..

About a week or so ago, I saw my CPN at the local mental health center regarding my BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and in a few sessions before hand, I had mentioned that I was after some kind of counselling that my GP suggested to talk about before she decided to give me some kind of birth control before I think about having children because she felt I should get my BPD, Depression & Anxiety under control before I rush into something which is fair enough especially since I have had so many problems over the last 2 years due to bleeding too much too often.

Whilst I was at my appointment with my CPN I asked about the things I asked her a few months back about changing my medication because what I am taking already isn't really doing anything if anything, I feel worse and nothing is helping to make me feel better about anything.. And if she had found out any information for me to get some kind of counselling with loosing my baby due to my rupture ectopic. She looked through her paperwork and said she couldn't find anything, but did find something to do with Child Birth etc. said I should contact them and see if they offer any services to do with what I went through... So I thought about it and mentioned it to someone else who I see for 1 to 1 sessions and felt that it was no help at all!! How can a child birth and help with post natal depression etc. help me with my ruptured ectopic?

Tell you what, it is time like these when I wish I could be a counseller or something along those lines to actually help and listen to people properly and to offer some support instead of being left to deal with everything!

Get your keepsakes here...

For the last few years, I have never bought anything for my Angel until recently.

I decided that I wanted and needed something to commemorate my Angel, not to remember the bad time in my life, but to state that I DID have a baby!

My idea for setting such a page up, was because I didn't want any one else to feel like their angel didn't or doesn't matter because they do.

I am always willing to help out others, and put them first before myself.

The page is called Sammiis Bespoke Keepsakes

https://www.facebook.com/SammiisBespokeKeepsakes

I hope you see this, and use my page to keep the memory of our Angels, alive.

Everything is hand made by myself, unless otherwise stated.

October is just around the corner..

We're almost at the end of September which means that October isn't far behind it.

October 6th would've been my due date, which means that I should have a happy 4 year old bouncing around wishing didn't have to grow up.

It is a shame when reality hits and you remember that you don't have every milestone to hit and get through.. Never thought that seeing my nephew grow would hurt so much.

I love him to the end of the universe but he does remind me of things that I have and am missing out on from having lost my child in such a graphic way.

Obviously, there was no happy ending to come from having my ectopic pregnancy. I still don't know why this happened, and why it was ME this happened too :( makes me sad and sick that there are people out there having children to trap men, abusing kids or even worse.

I am always wishing and hoping that one day, just one day I can have my own miracle and not feel like I am missing out or left out from being a mum.

Scares me even more when that sudden realization is, is that I am almost 30

Heart aches and breaks a little more each day, but I paint a smile on my face because it is easier pretending to be OK than it is to talk about it.

Why Do People Avoid Me??

Today, I do what I normally do every sunday, and that is see and spend time with my gorgeous nephew as well as my mum and see my sister.

Well, I mentioned to a 'friend' that I can't wait till I have my own children.. After a couple of smily face messages being shared, I said, "I kinda have one" then quickly followed that up with "Well I do have one :)" I was then asked, if I was pregnant, I sent a picture of my ink and said 'No, I lost my baby'.

These messages were shared around 3pm this afternoon and it is now 23:41 and I haven't heard NOTHING since.. Why do people avoid the subject of loosing a baby??

I aint diseased or anything, I don't open up often and when you think it is safe to, you get ignored. I hate it.. Sometimes, I even hate the fact that I lost my baby more so because it stops people feeling awkward.

Trouble with baby loss and talking about it is that in all fairness no one wants to hear it and it isn't fair. I don't want to mention it to someone to then be ignored..

WHAT KIND OF FRIEND DOES THIS!?

Babies.... Babies.... They're Everywhere...

I don't know what is wrong with me at the moment, but everywhere I turn there are so many people announcing their pregnant, they've just given birth etc.

I can't take it anymore :( I am not saying I am not happy for them, because I am!! It is just that I see pictures of people's babies/children and it makes me realise that I should have an almost 4 year old wondering around learning new things and teaching them new things etc.

Sometimes, I am ok, I know that what happened would've ended badly which ever scenario I chose.

I think its now, now that I am getting older and still have all of these fears hanging over my shoulders that it is making things feel so much worse, it is hard to explain and I don't even understand things myself sometimes!!

I need to try and work past the fear, I need to try and talk about my problems with someone understanding, I need to try and be brave and stop being negative all the time, but that in itself is a big task and could probably  be a massive challenge!!

Wish I knew what to do, how to cope with it all properly and try and move on...

But HOW?

Hospitals Do Tend To Let You Down......Sometimes!

On Tuesday (5th August) I had an appointment with my doctor regarding hormone tablets that I have had to start taking because there is some problem(s) with my hormones which I have no idea has come from!

I saw her a couple of months or so ago, and she said that she needed to find my discharge letter from the hospital when I had my ruptured ectopic to see if anything was seen when they did the laparoscopic/salpingectomy.

She told me she found the letter, and that it wasn't very helpful, meaning it only had that I was treated with a ruptured ectopic pregnancy and they removed my left tube.

I felt a little gutted, because I had kinda hoped that there had been a little more information, especially since I have seen other people's discharge letters when I have visited them in hospital, and it has made me feel a little let down by the whole situation. Not only was I left on a ward with elderly ladies, no one came to talk to me about my ordeal, and they gave hardly any information for my doctor :(

She did say that it might have been that because it was an emergency operation that they may not have been looking for any problems, meaning they wanted to save my life as I had lost a lot of blood that day, but she did say that if anything had been noticed/seen it would've been noted..

Gotta continue taking this tablets now for the next 6 months at least, and then see how I get on without the tablets - that I am not looking forward too, and it is only like 4 months away!

And until then, she will send me back to the gyneacologist at the hospital - again - no doubt they will want to fit me with another coil :( I will refuse it, it caused me so many problems!!

Just really wanted some answers I guess.. Especially to know why this happened in the first place

:(

Things Have Got To Change...

Today, I had an appointment at our local mental health center for my Borderline Personality Disorder, and I was sorting out with the lady I see with some bits that I needed to sort out, and talk about.

One of the things I forgot to write on my list was talking about the possibility of some kind of counselling. My reasons for asking is because at the time, I never saw anyone and when I tried to open up, make it aware of what an Ectopic can do to you, people had a go at me, saying that I shouldn't talk about things like this as it happens to everyone every day. Or I was told to stop going on about it etc.

In my eyes, I haven't known anyone who experienced an Ectopic pregnancy, and now 4 years on, I still don't know anyone who has had the similar experiences to me.

At this point, I thought about it long and hard and thought I might as well just never mention it again just to keep people happy.. It hurts so much that I have to keep it locked up inside, and never mention it or talk about it, clearly I needed to talk and I needed some kind of reassurance, but was never given anything by so called friends on Facebook.

Looking back, I shouldn't have let things get the way they had done because in all fairness I knew I would need something, but I guess I just had to stay strong because at that time, strong was the only thing I could be, especially since I went through so much in the few weeks up till the date I was rushed into hospital by ambulance.

During my appointment today, I broke down when I admitted that there are so many things that I am scared of and worrying about that need to be addressed. One of which is the fear of having sex, and the fear of getting pregnant again. I don't have any idea what sort of state my right tube is in, I haven't had any thing happen since I had this experience, granted, I have had a few problems "down there" since and sex has been the last thing on my mind, but I really want to be a mummy so bad, it hurts.

This is silly, but my heart aches when I hear my nephew call out for his 'mummum' and watching him grow up into the gorgeous little man is something that I have missed out on because of what happened.

I don't mean to dwell on this, but it is hard when everyone around me is pregnant, getting pregnant or having babies or had babies recently. I am not saying I am not happy for anyone because I am, I am just saying that I am struggling and wish I could just come out and admit it to people, but I can't because I am scared of the reaction that I will get from other people.

My lady that I see, asked what the ectopic is classed as, because obviously people get counselling for different types of losses, and asked if it was put down to a miscarriage, I was like, not really, because it is a complicated experience, and somethings happen, others don't.

But at least someone has agreed to help me in this respect.

I don't want to forget my baby that I lost, my baby will ALWAYS be in my heart no matter what people say. I just wish to be able to 'move on' and stop scaring myself all the time.

Hopefully, I will find out when I have my next appointment on the 27th.

One Of The Hardest Things I Have Done...

I don't know what possessed me to go through one of my blogs tonight, but I went back to 2010, and looked at February and March, to see if anything had been written on my other blog to see if I had written something that I hadn't wrote on here, and I did.

I found quite a few posts, posts that I am pretty sure are not on here, and I read them all carefully making sure I didn't miss any information, and have now upset myself.

Although it has been over 4 years now since it happened, it is something that I clearly haven't gotten over or thought about properly.

Looks like I am going to have to push for counselling to help me deal with and somewhat get over this experience, especially since it is something that is hiding at the back of my mind and comes out every now and then and reminds me of the fears and the hurt of what I went through.

I don't know if I have mentioned it on this blog (I don't read my blogs back) about the possibility of 'trying' for a new baby?? This is something that scares the living daylights out of me.

There is so much fear, that I don't even know what to do or say or talk about because no one understands and no one will listen.

I think now, it is time that I deal with this, and perhaps try and move myself forwards a little, because clearly the fear is stopping me from so much, and the fear has taken over my life.

There is nothing more that I want to be in this life, other than a mum, and I really want to have my own babies before it's too late, I am almost 30, and the last time it happened, I was 22.. (I am 27 now)

Looking To The Future..

It is a little difficult moving past all of this, but I am doing the best I can, especially with the little information I was given. That makes it slightly hard.

But, I have actually been talking about "trying again" although I am terrified that I will go through this again.. But I have read so many nice stories in a "TTC After An Ectopic" group on facebook.. I read somewhere that if your ectopic pregnancy ruptured and your body started filling up with blood, that in turn damages your remaining tube, and also with me not knowing what kind of state the remaining one is in if it is in a bad way, it makes that thought a little more terrifying.

Only reason I have been thinking and talking about trying again is because I have recently got myself into Crochet, and I have been making some baby bits for a friend, and another friend wants me to make her new baby a blanket etc. etc. etc.

I love the little booties they are soo tiny and it has made me broody BIG TIME.

I don't have to go back to my doctor till August regarding the hormone replacement pills that I have been taking since May for my bleeding problems, I am going to mention it to her then and see what can be done or can help me find out if everything is "OK".

After talking to an Aunt about it, she said that I may need a "clean out" because she too struggled to have kids with her first, she had some kind of clean out and she fell pregnant on the 2nd time, so there is so many things that can be done or talked about, it is just getting over the fear.

I know that it wont be easy, and I know there are still lots of complications that can come with some pregnancies, because everyone is different.

Although, I have already been told that following some treatment that I had done, that I can be at risk of a premature labor.. Soooo... We'll see I think...

Stunned & Amazed...

So tonight I thought about opening up a special page on Facebook to do with my Angel that I lost due to my Ectopic Pregnancy, and thought that I would make it so that I can provide some kind of support and help, and also make people feel like their Angel(s) matter! Especially since I was made to think mine didn't.

After a while I found some somewhat disturbing pictures to do with the process of the operations for the laparoscopic operation, but I found some that where somewhat strange, especially one of them being a little baby in a clear sac, saw where the image was uploaded too, and decided to read the link it came from and I then had to read the post twice, as I was stunned by what I saw, a perfectly formed unborn baby in a clear sac at 6 weeks (8 weeks pregnant) that was removed from an ectopic pregnancy, and from reading the information I was just stunned and amazed, especially since I have been told that my baby wasn't a baby it was just a bunch of cells, or it never formed properly because of the fertilized egg was in my tube and so much more! But reading this study from a professional has made me feel somewhat better about the situation and has also changed my views on how I see things.

If this is even true, then I feel a little better knowing that when my tube ruptured at 12weeks that it WAS a baby and not what other people had tried to make me believe all these years.

This is the image that I found that was strange...

It has this information:

A six week embryonic age or eight week gestational age intact Embyo, found in a Ruptured Ectopic pregnancy case operated by me. It is rare to find the embryo in ruptured ectopic pregnancy. - See more at: http://www.prolifeinfo.ie/life/science-photos/#sthash.1gprCq9t.dpuf

It is from this website:

http://www.prolifeinfo.ie/life/science-photos/

Make's you think..... Doesn't it??

It's Been A While..

I have been absent from this blog for a little while now, and this is something that I did not intend to happen. I have been distracted with my mental health and personal problems and learning new things that I have put this blog aside which is something that I did not want to do intentionally. Since Christmas, I have been having a few minor health problems, and realised that I needed to "sort myself out" with that said, I had to sort out my mental health to some extent.. I have been placed on Anti Depressants - which aren't really helping right now! But I have a review come Monday, so lets hope something gets done now. At least one thing is for sure, I finally got my diagnosis! Whats worse, is that I was diagnosed in 2008... Which is that I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) Anxiety & Depression... That was in 2008, now 2014 I have the same diagnosis and a little more help than what I was getting before.
To help pass the time, and distract me I have been learning how to cross stitch and crochet, and I am also slowly getting back into making graphic pictures for other people.. This is something that I love to do and I hope that I am able to make more things in the future..