Thursday, 28 March 2013

Yes... Its About Time!!!

A few weeks ago I posted about needing to have a Hysteroscopy and a follow up Colposcopy along with a smear etc.

Well, I had the Hysteroscopy, Colposcopy, Smear, Endometrial Biopsy, Coil Fitted including a D&C on the 20th February 2013.
And well, today, just over 5 weeks later, I have got the results of my Smear - which is ALL CLEAR NO MORE ABNORMAL CELLS.. I don't need to go back now for another 3 years *yay* and my Endometrial Biopsy came back as Simple Glandular Hyperplasia which is Benign! From what I read, I can gather it is an over growth of the cells in the womb lining.. And the hospital have advised that they think the coil will help treat this, and then it suddenly dawned me, course it would help lol the coil slowly releases hormones!!!!!

Shame its taken almost 6 months to find out whats wrong, but I guess, I know now and hopefully, the coil will do its job and WORK

A Poem Called "The Ectopic"

The Ectopic

'Your uterus is empty' they say as they perform the scan,
but its my heart that empties as I hold your fathers hand.
'We'll give you an injection and the ectopic will resolve',
The ectopic is what they call you my baby, who I dearly long to hold,
and resolve has not the meaning which it might to you and I,
instead its a polite way of telling me you will die.
'Not viable' I hear them say, which means that you wont live,
Ill never get to take you home or share the love I have to give.
'They had an ectopic' is the way whats happened is described,
which hardly seems to recognize we had a baby who has died.
I wish that they would use the words, the ones that make it real,
then maybe they would understand the sorrow that I feel.


Baby Loss Poem I Found:

Was flicking through google for some poems on Ectopic Pregnancy, and I came across this one, so thought I would share:

Mommy and daddy need you baby, but they say you have to go away!

You are not in mommy's uterus so you simply cant stay!
My heart is truelly broken as the tears roll down my eyes.
I can't believe i had to do this i hope i can sleep tonight.
It would kill us both baby if you stay here.
Although I dont know if i want to be here without you near.
They gave mommy this medicine, it hurt mommy real bad.
But not as much as it did me and daddy to loose you baby, we are so sad.
Ive never felt so much pain in my life.
And... I truelly wonder if we are going to be alright.
It took me and daddy so long to get you baby and then you had to leave.
If I could take it back, I'd wish it could be me!
RIP we love you baby!


Wednesday, 27 March 2013

My Weird Dream I Had...

I haven't posted about my dreams before, so thought I might give it a try!!

The other night, I had a dream that I finally got pregnant, but it was a little weird because in my dream, I ended up giving birth but had complications.. And because it scared me a little and was very vivid, I kinda woke up and don't remember much about that dream!!

But.. I had a dream this morning which scared me awake. It wasn't very long because it was that weird...

I had a dream, that it was a few years after I lost my Angel, Billie (I had lost Billie, my Ectopic 15th March 2010), and I well, I had this appointment to see someone. I was sitting in the waiting room with my mum, and was lead into this side room with a table in the middle, and was lead in by a man, I think he may had been the doctor, I am not sure!?
Anyway, in this room I was suddenly presented with this sheet of paper that had ALL my scans on, including all the HCG level's information and other bits of information too.. For some reason, I had a picture of my Angel on there - showing me what he/she looked like.. But, what I remember most of all is that when they presented me with the sheet of paper with all the information on it, he said to me
"I want you to meet your daughter!!!"

Now, I don't know what that means if there is any significance behind it or what, but it was very strange.
I have so many questions running around in my mind..

"Do I want to find out what happened?"
"Why did it happen to me?"
"Is Billie a girl?"
"Will I ever find out what results were produced?"

Since it has been a little over 3 years now, its making me wonder if I am going to be ready to question it and possibly demand to see my notes and find out if there is any information as to what happened and if they was able to determine if Billie is a girl or a boy.. But I am not sure if I am strong enough to go through that, even still now, even though it has been 3 years since.. I am guessing it would put my mind at ease, but when I had the Ectopic and was in hospital and signing various things, one of them was to do tests on the baby.. So surely, I should had known what they did to it, and what they did after... Actually, what they did after all the tests has suddenly dawned on me that I don't know if I want to know what they did with my baby afterwards... The thought of it is actually pretty worrying and upsetting...

Wednesday, 20 March 2013

Bespoke Keepsakes: Keepsakes Made For Everyone, Includes Angels

I wanted to let you all know about a new page that I have helped set up and made things for.

Its called Bespoke Keepsakes.

Basically, this page is for handmade keepsakes and treasures, they are made for everyone
(Babies, Children, Adults)
Also includes memorial items for memory boxes in memory of Angels & more!

I bought some clay and moulds and cutters etc. to use to make things out of to make for people who are grieving, and to help bring some people some peace.

Also, I hoped that I could make things that mean more than some silly graphics that I spend hours at a time usually making and never get nothing in return - not that I ask for anything, but something more than:
"Thank You, Saved" or "Thanks" or "Saved"

Just makes me feel sad, because I feel that what I have made isn't good enough, and no one seems to show any appreciation anymore :(

Hopefully, this will bring people happiness and appreciate these a little more.
Especially since I have found that there aren't many sites that make and personalize items like this for you in the UK, I have found that many of them, especially on facebook are in the United States!
Which means you're paying a little more for the item including a lot more on postage!

With a bit of luck, I can help change that!!

If you are reading this, and are interested please come and find them here:

Friday, 15 March 2013

15th March 2013

Today is the 15th March 2013.
Today marks the 3 year mark of the date that I lost my Angel & my tube.
Billie, is an angel as a result of an Ectopic Pregnancy, but you already know that since my blog is called
"Life After My Ectopic Pregnancy"
I have spent the day with my Sister and her 6 week old son (my nephew)
Kept me busy, and kept my mind off things, although now that I am on my own is when it bothers me.
But, I have recieved these few beautiful pictures in memory of my Angel.

From My Friend Kimmie On My Facebook.

This was left from me from a lovely lady called Rachel in my group:

This was made for me from a good friend called Jade on her Graphics page

From my friend Noel! She is an amazing graphic designer from

This is from my friend Corinna:

I have recieved some lovely messages and comments from a few other friends which was nice, especially since I didn't want to make a massive song and dance about it being my Angel's day.
But appreciate all the message the select few have left me.

It's All Coming Back To Me...

I keep coming over all panicky and sick, its a weird feeling.. Especially remembering/realizing that this time 3 years ago I was fighting the pains in my abdomen, trying to sleep but couldn't because of the pain!!

When my tube ruptured, it started around 11pm on the 14th March 2010 (Mothers Day) but I never did anything about the pain until 7-8am on the 15th March 2010, that was when I admitted defeat and decided that it would be best for me to go to hospital, worst part was the only way I could get back there was in another ambulance.

All these memories keep flooding back to me, and I am not sure how I am 'ok'. I am not totally sure on how I should feel at the moment, except the only thing I can express is that I have a weird feeling in my tummy and I guess I kinda feel sick? Not sure, its a weird feeling that is very hard to express, let alone try and explain out in this blog post.

I guess, apart of me is still wondering HOW I managed to cope and deal with the problems and the pain that I experienced that day, and every day since. So much happened for the first 3-4 months of 2010 and it will always play on my mind, especially with the 'what ifs' :(

At the moment, it is 12:35am and all I can see in the back of my mind is me trying to get comfortable and trying so hard to stop the pain in my tummy.. The strange thing is, that I can see it in the back of mind, which makes it feel like everything that I went through was a dream, when it wasn't it was real life, and it only happened 3 years ago, but feels and seems like a lifetime ago..

Monday, 4 March 2013

Its Been Almost 3 Years..

Today is the 4th of March, as I lay in bed thinking about the way things are, and wondering HOW they would be different in nothing bad happened.

All the memories of what I went through with the hospital visits, blood tests, scans, examinations and the Methotrexate Injection seem and feel like a dream.. I can't believe it, sometimes it feels like only yesterday, other days it feels like it was years ago and have skipped a couple of years in between.. These thoughts and feelings are a little strange.

I was going to sit and read this blog that I have been keeping over the last 3 years, but I read the 2 posts that I left in February 2010, and then thought, yeah, I can't do this, so I just left it.. Weird, because I do the same with my notebooks, I have been writing in them for the same amount of time (3 yrs I think) but these are about my depression BPD etc.

I want to do something special, and I want to buy things for myself that have my Angel's name on, and I think I am actually doing to do it this time because I have never done anything like this before. I own 3 things, and I didn't really ask for them.

The bits I was sent were:
a tealight holder with Billie's name and date around the rim. I won this on a giveaway on a Facebook page called Tilly Beans Keep Sakes For Your Little Angels!
A second tealight holder with Billie's name on. This one was sent from a girl who owns Special Angels on Facebook.
A little knitted Angel with a tiny beaded necklace with footprints on from a woman on Facebook, unfortunately I don't remember which page, but when I find the card I will share.

I forgot about the Angel, that was the first thing that I ever received from someone since I lost my Angel. But, I do have a little fluffy sheep that smells like lavender that was given to me as a "get well soon" gift from my sisters boyfriends, mum. Its microwaveable like a hot water bottle. It was given to me with a note saying that it would keep me warm when my partner couldn't.

Those things mean a lot to me too.