Saturday, 13 November 2010

Could It Be....?

Last night i was sitting up in a great deal amount of pain, not as bad as i had felt with the ectopic, but enough to scare the living daylights out of me.
For the last week since i have had my monthly, i have had lots of strange feelings in my tummy, including pains and discomfort in my left side.. area! Its been awful.
Few days ago, i had a deepish fluttering like throbbing sensation in my left hip.. i could even pinpoint where it was and feel the sensations.. it was so weird!
not long after i had got this weird feeling in my tummy, well underneath my belly button in my bikini line area i had a fluttering like tightening sensation, as  if something inside me had grabbed me!

I have also had the sensations on and off in the day today, they seemed to have eased off a bit tonight though, but i cant do anything until monday when i get to go to the doctors..
I got to go anyway because i need to sort out my meds..

But this has got me worried quite a bit =(

Hopefully it aint nothing tooo serious, and something easily fixed!

Did upset me though, as it kinda bought back memories of my ectopic i had in March!

Thursday, 11 November 2010

My Ectopic Pregnancy

This is the picture to try and show the size of what i had removed the day i had the surgery, thought it would more realisitc than having a 50p instead lol
I estimated that the size would had been an inch and a half at least..
I still keep thinking about that day, but it just seems to hurt so much because it kinda feels like a dream?
As if it never happened, but i know it did because i do actually lay in bed or lay in the bath and i rub my tummy .. and talk to myself!
I even rub the scars on my bikini line, because they still often hurt from time to time - just a sort of like aching feeling when i am thinking about it.. nothing major.. well it cant really be major, it has been now over 7 months since February/March time..!
Still cant believe it happened, and still cant believe i actually managed to learn i was pregnant!! even if it was for 12 short weeks!!
I know alot of people say its silly for "dragging it on" or thinking about it constantly, but it difficult this time, because i know i was pregnant! :(
I am pretty sure i have had a couple of miscarriages before, but never said anything to anyone.. it aint like anyone could stop it from happening, is it!?
Still, least i go to bed knowing that my angel is always with me, living inside my heart :)

" Coping Skills "

Today was the first official session of Coping Skills..
All we talked about was ways of helping me sleep, and things which could stop me from sleeping.
So now i have some 'homework' to do, so i am going to start trying it out tonight, although i am pretty tired from the bad night last night, so i might just get off to sleep ok with out no worries, if i do then i am going to cry!!
But then again, i do have my ipod - that kind of helps.. because i can relax myself and take my mind off things by editing photos or playing games on it..
I had a panic before i left, as i was tired from bad night sleep and constant waking etc. and stressing about what happened in the evening didnt really help matters..
So i didnt actually get out of bed and do something until almost 1pm.. and then finally got ready to leave for 13:30.. until got to the bus stop and saw the buses were up shoot :( 3 buses went past to chichester, but nothing going to Bognor i was like argh.. noo!! i text my friend in a panic but thankfully a bus finally came, as i would had been fooked if i couldn't had got there because of no transport :(
But it turned out ok in the end, just as soon as i got out though i started shaking and felt very light headed as if i was going to faint.. but i didnt i just stood there shivvering as it was soo bloody cold today!! i cant wear anything too heavy under neath my coat/jacket, so i wear a vest top so i dont sweat soo much..
But, i didnt realise it would end up being almost freezing at 3pm lol i wish i had taken a scarf to be honest!!

I need to buy a file to keep all my informations together, so i don't loose it and its all together and i can flick back and forth to stuffs also!
So i guess it would be kinda like going back to school lol

Also mentioned about something i forgot last week to mention was help to get over my ectopic pregnancy because i dont think i can do it on my own, considering it has now been nearly 7months and i just genuinely cannot get it off my mind or stop thinking about and worrying about the way things could've have been.. especially wanting to have been able to have my baby, and wondering how my life would be like with him/her in my life etc.

But i was told i would need counselling through my GP for that, or support groups.. or i could look into the internet for help and talk about it amongst people in similar situations etc.
So i can either wait for the end of my coping skills sessions to work out what would be best, or i can go to my GP or just find support myself..!
..Would had thought that apart of these sessions would be help towards coping with the loss of my baby.. but apparently not!

Well i got go doctors next week to sort out my Anti Depressants, and sort out few bits... so i might as well mention it then!
Lets hope that something or someone can help.. i have had counselling before, but this time it would be for a different reason...!