Saturday, 23 February 2013

Time For Change...?

In July time I posted about having to have a Colposcopy done, following an abnormal smear.. I don't think I mentioned it, but following this procedure, I had bled constantly non stop for months, days even!
It felt like it was going on forever, I had been back and forth to doctors, was treated twice for an infection, I've had bloods and scans and still the doctors are baffled..

I had bloods done in November 2012, everything came back normal, except that my hormone levels were slightly high. But I said it can't be "normal" because I am still bleeding, to which she decided to send me off for a scan to see what was going on, they said that again everything was normal except the lining was a little thick.. Still, no help!!
Well, they eventually sent me off to the hospital for further examinations. I had the appointment on the 12th February, it was awful. I bled, everywhere :( was sooo embarrassing, but least they realized there was a problem, so they had booked me in for the 20th to put me to sleep, they decided they wanted to do another Colposcopy because they cancelled my follow up appointment in January 2013, do a Hysteroscopy and a Endometrial Biopsy, they also wanted to put the coil in, but I wasn't so sure at first, but they said I had till the 20th to make my mind up. I agreed, because it needed to be done.
I had given consent for them to do:
Smear, Colposcopy, Hysteroscopy, Endometrial Biopsy, D&C and the fitting of the coil.
I have to say, since having all that done on Wednesday, I have hardly bled since :) but I am feeling the side effects of the cramping, and spotting, but hopefully now, things will die down a little and things can change.

I didn't really want to have the coil fitted, because i do wanna have kids more than anything, but given the current situation and circumstances, I need to get to the bottom of why I am/have been bleeding so much for so long.. Will be soo glad to get things back to normal again :)

All that I have to do now is wait for the results, and I am hoping they wont take too long to come in!
Fingers Crossed..

Sitting Here.. Thinking..

So, tonight I have been sat here talking to a bunch of ladies on facebook about losses and such, and it made me think of my Angel, Billie.. And realizing that in just a few days time, 3 years ago, that I would had been called in for an emergency scan, blood test etc. to then determine that the baby I was carrying was defiantly growing in my tube.
Its kind of hard to think about sometimes, and sometimes I tend to try and do it in the privacy of my own mind, mainly because there are still many people that do not even know that Billie was my tubal pregnancy..! Not to mention that I know a lot of people have tried telling me in the past that I shouldn't grieve for the baby growing in my tube, but perhaps I should grieve the loss of my left tube instead - although not sure how that would make the situation any better, or easier, perhaps!?
I have to admit, it does make me sad now, knowing that time is flying by so fast, and I still am unable to catch up with it and allow anything to sink in properly.

The one thing that does sit on my mind a lot is how although I am 3 years down the line, that I still think and feel that there is something missing, something not quite right, just doesn't make sense!?

Friday, 8 February 2013

Some People...

I am soo not impressed, I am very very mad and upset, I hate how people who don't deserve children don't just have ONE have TWO or more!! I hate how they can sit there and dictate how they are better than you and rub it in your face they can have children, and you can't!!

People just don't have a clue, why are there selfish people out there who have these children and there are people out there who just can't have any but want and deserve one can't have them!? Society and life sucks to be honest. I am sick to the back teeth of being treated really badly because certain people just can't keep their mouths shut and keep their opinions to themselves.

YES, I can't have children so damn what thats MY business NOT YOURS to use and abuse as you see fit!!! You people make me sick