Friday, 29 October 2010

Hmmm.. I Wonder...

Ok.. I know it has now been 7months now since the operation and stuff.. but i just cant help but think..

.. does the baby still grow in your tube/ovary etc. like a "normal" pregnancy...? like getting all the fetal developments etc.
Because i do know that some people have had the chance to listen to their babies heart beat - even having an Ectopic pregnancy - which i unfortunately never got to experience.. But i keep thinking about what my mum had told me after the operation and what exactly they removed.. and how big!!

Again, this is something i dont know what to do about because it has been 7months and there isnt really a great deal i can do about it, i guess?
But it would be nice to know, or even have some idea of what the sex was etc. because it can start to show cant it...?

But then.. thinking about that they dont want people to dwel on it, well i am sorry .. but people do! and that cannot be helped when they've technically lost a baby!!
I keep getting told off for thinking about what i had and lost, and i dont know why! even though it was Ectopic.. it was still growing inside me with my flesh and blood... right??

So, i thought i would take it upon myself to look and read what the 12week mark in pregnancy entails and what the baby would've looked like - and whether it would still look similar or the same... partly only reason i looked today was thinking about the size they took away..

and it is about the size of a 50p piece

But i do not have one at my size to measure

So i measured the gap in between the size of what i was told and it is
1.5 Inches...?

i cannot take a picture of me holding the ruler well the large semicircle i used, because my phone doesnt enable the numbers etc. to show! but it hopefully would give you some idea, if any!

Wednesday, 27 October 2010

This Is A Little Something I Wrote For Billie.. My Angel!

Day after day it plays on my mind
If i am not careful it may make me blind
I cant really get over what i done
It hard when you were no bigger than my thumb
I really hoped my chance had come
But God took you away up to his home
To blue skies rainbows and lots of fun
It hurts me when i was meant to become your mum
My chance was taken away from me so quick
Didnt even enable me much of a chance to think
I knew you were not growing in my womb
But i shouldn't had made that decision so soon
Nothing will change how i wanted you here
For nothing had ever been confirmed till this year
Instead i hope you look down on me up above
And praise your mummy with your love
Because i will love you to the day i die
Nothing or no one can change this, wanna know why?
Because you ARE my Baby, An Angel in fact!

The reasons for writing this is because where i had the Methotrexate injection, to avoid surgery I missed my final blood test, for failing to get to the hospital with no money nor transport and no one was willing to help me out, so i left it. It wasn't until i put my phone on and picked up my answer phone messages was when my Gynechologist and doctor had been trying to ring me as was important and had been trying to get me to go to the hospital.
* reason phone was off was due to some idiot harassing me*
Well in a way it didnt matter in the end, because failing to get my last bloods done, my fallopian tube had ruptured at the end of Mothers Day (14th March 2010)
So ended up in hospital the next day dosed up on Morphine...
It was horrible i couldnt believe it was happening to me, the Gynechologist and my doctor gave me positive results on phone with my bloods saying there is a chance it a normal pregnancy, despite the scans showing nothing in my womb...
Was kinda an awful experience, even thinking about it now makes me feel sad and wish i could've done something better for my baby, instead of signing a consent form to give them my baby for science...
I was on my own at this point with forms being thrown at me and having to sign everything (mum was on phone) so i just signed stuff.. i couldn't really read it properly due to the morphine, and fact that they was rushing around me because i was due to go into theatre that minute!

Just wish i could've done something for my very tiny angel!
Admittedly, i was only 12 weeks gone, but 12weeks is still a long time, espeecially to me! plus my baby had my flesh, my blood.. no matter WHAT!!!

Still, to this day i still wonder if there was ANYTHING i could've done better...

Friday, 8 October 2010

October 2010

Today is the 8th of October, and i would be due right about now, well the estimated due date was the 6th October! - but you know what the internet is like!! lol

Ok, so not a great deal has changed in the last few months when i last left a post, except the thought of what would happen in the long run..
Nothing much has happened since this, ok it has been 6months now, but nothing will happen, and i don't think it ever will!
For 8 years i had convinced myself that i was unable to have children, was too scared to find out if the answer was a yes or a no.
And for what to have happened in March kind of made me convinced again now that i cannot have kids... which is going to have to be something i am going to have to accept :(

I am still down and depressed about all of this - as to be expected :( but there is not a great deal i can do to change this, except i am back at stage one in getting myself in general back in order again with my mental health! but at least that is a start, and is also another reason to which i am so messed up again...!!

Who knows, maybe one day i might get lucky? but until then...