5 weeks and still going strong..

Well it was 5 weeks on Monday (19th) and i am still going 'strong'

I keep thinking about the "what ifs" and wondering what it would be like if it wasnt ectopic!

i mean now, i would be 17 weeks

(dunno why i am still counting or anything) 

but personally i think that i right now would be happy and getting ready and telling people, but i'm not, because of the ectopic!

I'm still unsure on my feelings, as i get upset now and then when i think about it - where as other times i can talk about it and smile - maybe its a phase or a face i put on kind of like make-up?

Still it is something i have managed to come out "with a smile on my face" and i dont know if i should feel good about it or bad or what,

I guess it didnt really help with the good news and then bad news and then good news and then bad etc.

I think about it though, wondering what my life would be like after he/she were born.. wondering what their characteristics would be like etc.

- again something i should not do! but the more i think about loosing him/her it makes me feel guilty.. and often feels like i have let him/her down in some ways - its hard explain! its even harder where i have no one to talk to about any of this anymore.. I have a mental health counsiler but i have not seen him in 2 months due to the ectopic pregnancy!

So god knows what im going to say - but after all this i just feel like half a woman and to be honest, with having my mental health problems i often feel "i cant carry on" or "whats the use, i'm half a woman" etc.

I mean for the last 5 maybe 6 years nothing has ever come to light about a pregnancy, nothing! and then all of a sudden after christmas, with the "new year new start" i find out i pregnant 2 months in and then 3 months in im in hospital having emergancy operations etc..

crazy crazy crazy!

still.. i should be "pleased" or "happy" or something along them lines, as well it could had been worse, i mean years ago no one knew how to stop or prevent this, so many people were loosing their lives (apparently) - but i dunno.. i really would love to have a baby, or even have a second chance to see if i can still "function" with only one tube... but im scared of the thoughts for i dont know where i would be what would happen and if i would have to keep going back and forth back and forth to St Richards for more blood tests etc. and i would have to be properly monitored because of whats just happened.. and well there is also the risk of having another ectopic...

Again, i dont know much about statistics or what happens as no one told me at the hospital when i was in after the operation, i had someone come and look at the patches and then left and again the day on my release someone came and looked at me and said i could go home... and that was it!

...in a way i guess i am kind of lucky to have the internet as a resource of information, but still sometimes can even read into that and take it for more than it already means (something along them lines) - plus sometimes the internet can exagerate..

But at the end of the day, if the doctors/nurses at the hospital had given me some information or spoke to me about it after the operation it would not had been so bad, but i guess you cant "win them all" but still would had been nice, but then i realised after i left that they dont have the same notes as the Doctors surgery does, but then if they did maybe they might had helped me out bit more...? who knows, unfortunatly i cannot turn back time, and i cannot put things right no matter how much i wish, and how much i wanna try.

I need to try and live my life, or least try to do it better, but it is difficult sometimes, although i am not actually sure how and why i just feel it deep down!

I mean i go out and i see "mum to be" or a mum pushing a buggy... and i just think, "that could had been me" and sometimes i get bit upset and my heart sinks!

At the moment, i just have to think about what the future holds, maybe it would change and i get my wish, or maybe it wont and i just end up with .........

Ectopic Pregnancy: Diagnosis and Management

Becoming A Mother: Ectopic Pregnancy, Miscarriage, Infertility, Relationships, And My Bumpy Road To Motherhood

A Silent Sorrow: Pregnancy Loss - Guidance and Support for You and Your Family (Revised and Updated 2nd Edition)

Grief Unseen: Healing Pregnancy Loss Through the Arts

Ohhhhh.... Its Been A While...

oops.. i have not wrote this one for a while neither..

but i can say:

It has been 4 weeks and 6 days since the operation, and the removal of MY baby & MY Fallopian tube, and just last night i have now started my period.. this is the first one i have had since December.
I am in bit of pain, but luckily for me i have the pain killers from the operation left still such as the Naproxen & Cocodymols..
I keep getting upset - because i feel different.. and i guess i KNOW that apart of me is missing... but i am struggling to get it out properly, i have not even seen the mental health counciler person i see at my drs surgery in over a month or two, and the next appointment i got was for the 30th, so he doesnt even know what is going on and i have not really got any one to talk to about it so i was going to keep a blog so i could write it out to make me feel in some respects bit better,
but due to some idiots causing problems from them and using bits of the information to cause a row etc. its hardly fair, but i dont know of any other way i can " get out " my emotions or feelings when i have seemed to have lost alot of people over the last month since the operation as people have just not spoke to me or ignored me etc.
I guess i'd kinda like things to go back to the way they used to be, but i know deep deep deep down inside they cant be, because i probably cannot ever have kids... for the many fears that would now replace it..

Blood Test Results

I was booked in on friday 26th to have a blood test to check my Blood Levels.. They were 8.8 when i left the hospital, so they need to go back up to 11..
(the reason for the drop in blood level is due to loosing the mass amounts of blood i had lost when my ectopic pregnancy ruptured)
I phoned up my Doctors Surgery this afternoon for the results ... and they've told me this:

" You are required to repeat the blood test in one month, the levels have gone up but not alot, so make sure you keep taking the iron tablets. You are still a bit anemic "

...Not sure if that is a good sign or not really, but i guess i will be ok, i mean i am for some reason ok in myself, the normal pain in the bum miserable person i was before i had my op etc.
I guess i have not grieved properly as i am trying to keep it to the back of my mind and everything as i know not alot of people do actually care, i have shared my story with a couple of Ectopic Pregnancy groups on Facebook - but i never got any response, so i guess i kinda feel like i am diseased and no one wants to come near me etc. - probably a strange way to put it or think about, but it is however how i feel about the whole situation, i have not had much resposne from friends or family neither still - regardless of my mum & Tim letting my friends list (and the people whom i thought was friends/family) know whats going on, and still no one has said much! *sigh*
I also kinda feel that i have had to deal with it as i was thrown in at the last min to have the operation, but i was also told on and off that it was good then bad then good then bad and given false hopes - i just dont know!

Very difficult subject and Very difficult situation... dunno how i am coping!? - amazed!!!

Should I Or Should I Not....?

I was reading some magazines when i go out of hospital and how they pay so much money for a story, i think it is up to £1,000 in one magazine...

I thought that what if i told the story of the outcome of my ectopic pregnancy - i mean if what happened to me was so dangerous which ended up me having my left ovary/fallopian tube removed then it might give some insentive for someone to be more careful and understand the dangers and the possible outcome if you do not keep an eye on things...

I dunno if i should do it though, i mean it is kind of personal - but i guess it would and maybe could help others out there....?

Search Amazon.com for ectopic pregnancy

What Is With 'Friends'...?

i just dont understand this...

Today, i told a 'friend' i had quit smoking since beginning of feb due to finding out i was pregnant - i did however put a sad face because obviously i lost it and was ectopic etc.
...i then got congratulated, after telling this person over a month ago what was going on, and i didnt know what was going on etc.. even though she had sent me a text week before i even knew i was pregnant, praising me saying congratulations on my pregnancy etc.
over facebook the last month or so have been links, links about:
ectopic pregnancy & this blog & my main blog & GTS Page I Made... etc.

I dont know how to take it and how to feel about it, except at the moment i am feeling pretty blank if i must say, just not sure if i should be angry, mad, sad, pissed, and if i should explain myself... but then i think whats the use when noone on facebook gives a rats ass and clearly my 'friend' prooved that..

I just feel stuck, and i dont know what to do or feel or say...!!!

Question Time..

 Ok, so for the last week i have managed in some respect for the loss of the baby 'fetus' and my left fallopian tube & ovary..
but yesterday i found the positive pregnancy test on my mobile in the pictures and it got me thinking..
* why did this happen
* what made it happen to me
* where will it lead me in few months maybe years time
* how will i cope really
* when did i manage to concieve when never had before
..and many more...

Today however i just feel like it is my fault..
* because i got mental health problems
* because i got problems at home
* because i got problems within the relationship i am in
* because i wouldnt be a good enough mother

there are just so many reasons running through my head since i been told how useless i am, how much of a waste of space i am, including my brother telling me that he is glad my baby is dead... in some respects i got enough to deal with and it just seems to be getting worse by day...

Search Amazon.com for ectopic pregnancy

1 week on..

I have been to the doctor this afternoon and i have been informed that everything is looking good, and where they did they operation the bits where they glued me back together are healing nicely :)

still gotta try and take it easy over next few weeks.. but i might had over done it tiny bit today, but i need to try and slow down and be carefull

This Time Last Week..

Sunday 14th March was Mothers Day... it wasnt so bad, i wasnt sad too much because obviously i lost my baby on the 26th of feb.. so i spent the day with my other half, his 2 kids and his mate.. was lovely, had a fun filled day with laughs and giggles from the kids..
it wasnt until between 11pm and 12am that i started to get severe pains in my side and i felt sick and dizzy.. i went to the loo thinking it was stomach upset.. nothing so i had a bath to try and ease off the pain abit, fell asleep in the bath a couple of times and also took some soluable paracetamol to ease off some of the pain..
went to bed but i couldnt get comfortable due to the pain, eventually i'd fall asleep only to wake up 20-30mins later in agony, it was like it for 4 hours, in the end i gave in and i sat where i felt comfortable (on the toilet :|...) i sat there from 4am to 8am when i got the other half up as i read up on information from IBS & Ectopic Pregnancy... and it turned out the pain i was feeling was my ectopic pregnancy...
i got hold of my mum, told her what was going on an she said to ring ambulence but i wasnt so sure incase i was being bit whats the word... hypocondriact (not sure if spelt right)
but in the end mum was right, and i gave in and got my other half call me an ambulence, so i was rushed off to hospital on the Monday 15th... i ended up being put on morphine and a drip thing and had to wait around ages for something to be done - as usual lol
i had my emergancy operation at half 3 in the afternoon, i was told that i lost 1 litre of blood and i almost died and could had suffered a heart attack...
i came round and was put on the ward around 730pm
i had:
Mum, Dad, Becci (my sister) Alan (becci's boyfriend) & my Uncle Andy waiting for me.. my other half couldnt be there as he still had his son and he had no way of getting to chi.
i spent few days in hospital.. was awful!
i had to use Bed Pans & portable toilets before i could get myself to the bathroom... lol
I came home on the wednesday afternoon with co-codymol, other type pain killers and iron tablets inlcuding a nice big bottle of lactulose! lol
have been spending time at home with my mum, pretty much sleeping on and off... and my other half came to see me at home twice..

at the moment i am focusing on sorting myself out, psyically - as i need to be strong enough to get through this before i get too emotional!

i have a gone too soon page up on the internet
http://baby-osman-hoad.gonetoosoon.org/

i had to update it, as i assumed i had lost it on the 26th feb when i had my termination injection of the methotrexate drug.

I am not in so much pain anymore, more discomfort and achey type feelings.. so i am just relaxing and trying to get myself better =)
i got the help of my Mum, Brother &a Sister oh and not to forget my other half Tim ;) hehe

I have not heard much in way of friends, or family.. had no visitors other than:
Uncle Andy - Mum - Dad - Becci - Alan - my other half Tim -Angela - Ant (my cousin) - this was in hospital
at home i am with Mum - Becci - Dan
My other half Tim & Alan & Kev are the only 3 people who have visited me at home! =(

Two Weeks...

Two weeks have now passed since my Injection-termination i had on the 26th feb, and well things are tough and touchy in places.. and still feel bit low and think about what could've been.. etc.
I know i shouldnt, but i cant help it.. most of it is already due to my Depression/Anxiety & BPD (Boderline Personality Disorder) and so i find things rather difficult to cope with, at times!

I have done as much as i can to keep me out of mischeif, and i have to say i never thought that i would actually end up being "ok" after something as 'traumatic' as this can be.
There is always going to be a day when i look back and think.

I had stopped bleeding a couple of days ago, still recieved no pain and i have had a few of the symptoms, but i have to admit i have not recieved much.
...I guess i is kinda bit lucky about the missing out on the pain ;-) ...but then again the day i was due to recieve i had bit of a headache or toothache so i think i could had caught it early from the paracetamol for that.

Today i've lost my mind..

I lately have been suffering from breakdowns... partly due to my Borderline Personality Disorder, and also because of the Ectopic Pregnancy i recently suffered...

I feel so alone with this, and fed up, and being made it out is my fault because i choose to be with someone else for a short while.
I at the moment do feel like everything is my fault and i just dont why!
I am angry at everything, angry at not being able to have kids, not having a normal pregnancy, angry at people having kids, i feel sad seeing people with their own children and listening to others!

I am sick and tired of the way i have been feeling for the last 2 weeks almost since having the termination! no one understands exactly how i am feeling right now and i just dont understand why this had to happen

6th March..

Tonight i got a call from the doctor about my blood tests, saying that i have been asked back in a weeks time for another blood test, just to check that the blood hormone levels are back to normal after the last 2 i have had, so fingers crossed they are back to normal.. and then i will not need to have the final injection for sure then!

YAY

5th March...

Man oh Man..
Yesterday was awful! just awful is all i can say..
I spent the day in bed and on the sofa i couldnt stop being and feeling sick it was awful!!
but the strange thing is that i actually didnt feel "ill" i just felt sick all the time.. and had a bad headache that i woke up with around 6am that morning, but tried sleep it off but still 8am wasnt no different or better and the same again at 10am!
inbetween 10am and 10pm i was just sick on and off all day it was awful! i even tried to catch up on sleep but that didnt work when i would only sleep for just half an hour and then wake up and it was like that all day so i just dealed with it and tried to watch films and telly but that didnt take my mind off it much.
didnt really help with my other half winding me up about eating cakes, chocolate, burgers, chips, my chicken fingers in the freezer etc.
talk about meany!

Not sure if it was a bug, or just the injection drug kicking in.. but the one thing i said i would get is PAIN and i never recieved it :s straaaange.....

Blood Test Number 2

I had my second blood test on thursday 4th march, and that wasnt too bad at first.. until i got to the cafe part of the hospital downstairs and i started to feel bit iffy and faint! lol
i didnt though
but was a very strange feeling... but as all 'feelings' they pass within time, so after that mini moment i got up with my other half and his son, and mates and plodded over to other part of hospital to get the bus!

Didnt get the results back from my first blood test, as far as i am aware - but my phone did die that day so there could be a chance there is a message on my answer phone.. but i no money at the moment so i cant say *sigh*
Still... fingers crossed i not need the second injection i guess..? lol

I Think Its Starting...

Well for the last couple of days i have had a few pains in my stomach, sort of like period pains i have had paracetamol and a hot water bottle..
I really thought that something would happen and come out by now but nothing nothing nothing...

....strange!!!

Anyways... i gots my hopefully last blood test tomorrow and i shall hopefully find out about my hormone levels and if i have to go through more injections for the termination :(

fingers crossed...

Blood Test Number 1

Today i had my first blood test
since Friday 26th

Today i am hoping that within the last 48 hours my blood hormone levels have decreased, but i wont find out till tomorrow i guess when the hospital ring me up with the results (hope they hadnt rung today as my phone died and i no credit to pick up answerphone messages)
I have my second blood test on Thursday 4th to check the levels again, and providing they have gone down low enough i will not require another injection (in my bum) for the termination!

I have been ok-ish today, just been out and about and then about an hour ago or so i started feeling bit down as sometimes i guess i kinda feel like i am pregnant (maybe because it what i want) but its just sometimes dawning on me and stuffs...