Thursday, 22 April 2010

5 weeks and still going strong..

Well it was 5 weeks on Monday (19th) and i am still going 'strong'

I keep thinking about the "what ifs" and wondering what it would be like if it wasnt ectopic!
i mean now, i would be 17 weeks
(dunno why i am still counting or anything) 
but personally i think that i right now would be happy and getting ready and telling people, but i'm not, because of the ectopic!
I'm still unsure on my feelings, as i get upset now and then when i think about it - where as other times i can talk about it and smile - maybe its a phase or a face i put on kind of like make-up?
Still it is something i have managed to come out "with a smile on my face" and i dont know if i should feel good about it or bad or what,
I guess it didnt really help with the good news and then bad news and then good news and then bad etc.
I think about it though, wondering what my life would be like after he/she were born.. wondering what their characteristics would be like etc.
- again something i should not do! but the more i think about loosing him/her it makes me feel guilty.. and often feels like i have let him/her down in some ways - its hard explain! its even harder where i have no one to talk to about any of this anymore.. I have a mental health counsiler but i have not seen him in 2 months due to the ectopic pregnancy!
So god knows what im going to say - but after all this i just feel like half a woman and to be honest, with having my mental health problems i often feel "i cant carry on" or "whats the use, i'm half a woman" etc.
I mean for the last 5 maybe 6 years nothing has ever come to light about a pregnancy, nothing! and then all of a sudden after christmas, with the "new year new start" i find out i pregnant 2 months in and then 3 months in im in hospital having emergancy operations etc..
crazy crazy crazy!
still.. i should be "pleased" or "happy" or something along them lines, as well it could had been worse, i mean years ago no one knew how to stop or prevent this, so many people were loosing their lives (apparently) - but i dunno.. i really would love to have a baby, or even have a second chance to see if i can still "function" with only one tube... but im scared of the thoughts for i dont know where i would be what would happen and if i would have to keep going back and forth back and forth to St Richards for more blood tests etc. and i would have to be properly monitored because of whats just happened.. and well there is also the risk of having another ectopic...
Again, i dont know much about statistics or what happens as no one told me at the hospital when i was in after the operation, i had someone come and look at the patches and then left and again the day on my release someone came and looked at me and said i could go home... and that was it! a way i guess i am kind of lucky to have the internet as a resource of information, but still sometimes can even read into that and take it for more than it already means (something along them lines) - plus sometimes the internet can exagerate..
But at the end of the day, if the doctors/nurses at the hospital had given me some information or spoke to me about it after the operation it would not had been so bad, but i guess you cant "win them all" but still would had been nice, but then i realised after i left that they dont have the same notes as the Doctors surgery does, but then if they did maybe they might had helped me out bit more...? who knows, unfortunatly i cannot turn back time, and i cannot put things right no matter how much i wish, and how much i wanna try.
I need to try and live my life, or least try to do it better, but it is difficult sometimes, although i am not actually sure how and why i just feel it deep down!
I mean i go out and i see "mum to be" or a mum pushing a buggy... and i just think, "that could had been me" and sometimes i get bit upset and my heart sinks!

At the moment, i just have to think about what the future holds, maybe it would change and i get my wish, or maybe it wont and i just end up with .........

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