Friday, 3 May 2013

What To Do...?

So, I have been having a weird couple of days, because in just under 2 weeks it will be my birthday, I will be 26 *ouch* what is depressing is knowing that I will be 26 and still no where near to what I wanted to be when I grew up, which was to be just like my mum. I had hoped I would have been married by now, and have children.. All I have is my Angel, Billie, and a possible number of miscarriages that had never been confirmed. I have my cat though, but it isn't the same. Although I have to admit he does do my head in and is into everything I try and do, like my cross stitch, he thinks its an invitation to play as soon as he spots my threads move.
Although I do not have children, I am in a way thankful that my friends have children, especially my best friend. Her children are 9, 5 and 1, and the youngest is my Godson! Its nice knowing that they have me to look up to and admire (I hope) and play with. I love them all the same, and love being called "Aunty Sammy" but its when I leave, that I realise that there is something missing in my life, and I think that is it.. Apart of me is desperate to be a mummy, or be able to have a chance to have another child at some point, but I think whats making me feel worse is the fact that I have been having this bleeding problem now since June 2012, and I am still waiting for the coil to work, and worrying if it doesn't work that I will get too old to be able to do it. I reallly wanna be a mummy, and had hoped that I would have at least 3 by now, just like my mum. But unfortunately, it didn't happen and it really is unfair!! All I ask is WHY ME, still, 3 years on I have no answers.. Really wish I had them!!

Now, I am just unsure on what to do, what to say and feel embarrassed to talk to someone about it, which I guess is why I write to this blog from time to time, I know people flick through, find it and read my posts, but it feels a little better to me in some way than actually talking to someone face to face.

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