Friday, 1 August 2014

Things Have Got To Change...

Today, I had an appointment at our local mental health center for my Borderline Personality Disorder, and I was sorting out with the lady I see with some bits that I needed to sort out, and talk about.

One of the things I forgot to write on my list was talking about the possibility of some kind of counselling. My reasons for asking is because at the time, I never saw anyone and when I tried to open up, make it aware of what an Ectopic can do to you, people had a go at me, saying that I shouldn't talk about things like this as it happens to everyone every day. Or I was told to stop going on about it etc.
In my eyes, I haven't known anyone who experienced an Ectopic pregnancy, and now 4 years on, I still don't know anyone who has had the similar experiences to me.

At this point, I thought about it long and hard and thought I might as well just never mention it again just to keep people happy.. It hurts so much that I have to keep it locked up inside, and never mention it or talk about it, clearly I needed to talk and I needed some kind of reassurance, but was never given anything by so called friends on Facebook.
Looking back, I shouldn't have let things get the way they had done because in all fairness I knew I would need something, but I guess I just had to stay strong because at that time, strong was the only thing I could be, especially since I went through so much in the few weeks up till the date I was rushed into hospital by ambulance.

During my appointment today, I broke down when I admitted that there are so many things that I am scared of and worrying about that need to be addressed. One of which is the fear of having sex, and the fear of getting pregnant again. I don't have any idea what sort of state my right tube is in, I haven't had any thing happen since I had this experience, granted, I have had a few problems "down there" since and sex has been the last thing on my mind, but I really want to be a mummy so bad, it hurts.
This is silly, but my heart aches when I hear my nephew call out for his 'mummum' and watching him grow up into the gorgeous little man is something that I have missed out on because of what happened.

I don't mean to dwell on this, but it is hard when everyone around me is pregnant, getting pregnant or having babies or had babies recently. I am not saying I am not happy for anyone because I am, I am just saying that I am struggling and wish I could just come out and admit it to people, but I can't because I am scared of the reaction that I will get from other people.

My lady that I see, asked what the ectopic is classed as, because obviously people get counselling for different types of losses, and asked if it was put down to a miscarriage, I was like, not really, because it is a complicated experience, and somethings happen, others don't.
But at least someone has agreed to help me in this respect.

I don't want to forget my baby that I lost, my baby will ALWAYS be in my heart no matter what people say. I just wish to be able to 'move on' and stop scaring myself all the time.
Hopefully, I will find out when I have my next appointment on the 27th.

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