6th October would have been my due date which means if I had a normal pregnancy like I was told I was during all the blood tests and examinations at the hospital my baby I lost would be 8 years old. I cannot believe that it has been 8 years well almost 9 years that I lost my baby that I longed and wanted for years!
I am struggling a lot recently with everything. At least 3 people on my friends list that I know of are pregnant and constantly share their weekly updates with pics of their bumps or what their baby would look like during certain weeks of growing etc. and I look at them and I think why has my chance to become a mum isn't working?
Don't get me wrong, I am happy for them that they are lucky enough to have their kids! I will always be happy for them no matter how much I am hurting or feeling about things..
I watch the adverts about babies: for nappies, aptimal, breast feeding etc. and every time I watch these adverts my heart breaks a little more if that is even possible!?
The last few years I have been looking after my best friends kids, one of them is my 6yr old Godson whom I love more than anything! She has 4 but I look after 3 of them, the other 2 are 9 and 4. And I often have breakdowns before going because I don't feel strong enough to look after them! I love my friends kids so much but some days I can't bring myself to be around them.
Admittedly for the last few months I have been doing the same with my sister and I hate myself for it! I love my 3 nephews more than anything but it's difficult to function sometimes, I hate admitting how I feel so most of the time I make up excuses or I just say I'm not in the right frame of mind to be around anyone or just don't want to go out - which in a way is true..
What's worse is, I have no one to talk to about all of this.. Or least that's what it feels like..
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