Sunday, 8 July 2012

What a week..

I had an hospital appointment on the Tuesday (3rd July) because I had an abnormal smear result come back end of May..
Being in the Gyny block which is now where the Mother & Baby Block is, felt so uncomfortable.. Especially since they've now moved the EPU (Early Pregnancy Unit) which is where I spent a lot of my time when I had my Ectopic.
Seeing all the ladies with beautiful bumps, big and small made me feel empty and sad.. I couldn't help but think:
When is it MY turn..??
I wonder if I looked liked that..??
If Billie was in the right place, would I have a nice bump..??
It kind of bought so many memories of sitting patiently waiting for my scan, and then waiting to see a doctor about the scans, and then seeing all these happy people come out from the scanning room with their images of their babies... It was just very overwhelming.

Even through the Colposcopy I had to check my cervix was heart breaking.. Very scary I had to go in by myself.. Came out of it sore and miserable.. And also came out with an appointment to go back to have a pre-op and to be put under a general anaesthetic because I couldn't have the treatment done that day.
I went away feeling weird, worried and confused.. Had some lunch with my brother but I wasn't in the right frame of mind for anything so I was pretty quiet..

Had a phone call Wednesday to be told that they want me to go in Thursday.. So I agreed.. Without even thinking about it.
I still feel a little guilty as I promised my friend I would babysit my Godson whilst she took her daughter to meet her new class when she goes to school in September.. And I am little upset because I haven't even heard from her.. Nor have I seen her in almost 2 months now.

I had the general anaesthetic anyway, took them about 4-5 hours before I went down, I got there at 7:30am and I went down around 11:30am to 12pm.. It was frustrating waiting.. But I did it..
The only thing that hurt me, was that day one of the Anaesthetic doctors was going through my notes in front of me, and at the back of my notes were these scans from my ectopic.. And my heart broke.. It shocked me a little and I upset my mum because I got upset as I saw my scans! That was a weird feeling, it was that bad that I ended up drifting off into my own little world slightly before coming back to 'reality'.
Not to mention, seeing the images of my Cervix that was taken 2 days before during the Colposcopy..

Before I went down I was in a little state of panic for a little while.. The nurse was really nice and the Aneathetist was HOT!!! I was so embarrassed that I started crying before they put me to sleep.. I remember the feeling of the tears falling down my face, and the gentle sound of the Aneathetist saying to me "Good Night, Sweet Dreamings".
During the procedure, I lost 500ml of blood (some how) and woke up to a 'block' and a catheter shoved inside me.. Which was very worrying.. I remember waking up and saying I need a wee.. And being told to not worry because I had a catheter - CONFUSED!!!
But thinking about it now, I think they did that because they didn't want me to get my 'block' wet, as I think the block they put in place was to help bring my vagina back down to normal size slowly and help ease the pain a little??
But when it came to having that block removed was very worrying.. It felt like something was being sucked out of me =O
I am ok now, it hurts in places and at stages.. But I have pain killers to take when I feel I need them, and I have taken 2 paracetamol today and thats it, considering I didn't take anything yesterday that is..

All thats left for me to do now is to wait and see what my results bring in about 3-4 weeks time.


  1. Hi, i have just lost a baby due to it being Ectopic, On the 20th June i was experiencing some light bleeding so i was called in @7.30am on the morning of the 21st for a scan, sat there with my maternity notes clung to my chest shaking with fear hoping that the next half hour with the stenographer was going to be full of giggles and oh you are silly there is your little bean 8 1/2 week all healthy. But No !! firstly she was having trouble seeing in my Womb due to it being tipped. so she continued to do an internal scan and the silence was deafening !!!! she proceded to tell us that the pregnancy wasnt in my uterus and she could see something on my right Overy that was 1 1/2 cm in size.That was assumed it was a syst . i had some blood taken and sent away to await a call from the Doctors on the Gyni ward if my HCG levels were raised, as the day went on i assumed that they had dropped and i had miscarried until my phone rang at 8pm that night requesting i go into the hospital. My HCG levels were 7058 !! and they had a consultant gynecologist at the ready to operate but they were happy with the rest of my op's to send me home with instruction that if my pain worsened i was to go back before the 48hour's was up where they needed to check to see if the HCG levels had doubled. I was told at that consultation that my HCG levels were so high i could have a healthy pregnancy in its very early stages unable to be detected by ultrasound so another dimention to the situation we were in .Sleepless nights and whirling emotions got us through the next days until we had more bloods done on the 23rd June, they came back as an increase but not a double, The doctor spoke to us and explained that there was an option to use Methotrexate

    This was administered on the Sunday and the next few days were awful Emotionally i didnt want it to happen because that would put an end to the pregnancy we had waited 11years for but as the pregnancy was groing the danger to me was increasing Physically i was in excruciating pain along with nausea, abdominal pain, fatigue, fever, dizziness the list is endless but the physical pain gave me good reason to cry, luckily our 11yr old daughter didnt know i was pregnant so she just thinks i am having treatment for a growth on my overy. 2 weeks on my bleeding has just stopped and my HCG levels are down to 450. Every day is different how i feel emotionally is empty , i so want to be given the chance to be a mother again but this baby will always be in my thoughts and my heart. I dont know when my periods will resume ! but we were advised to wait 3months to try to conceive as Methotrexate can cause fetal problems due to it inhibiting the metabolism of folic acid.

    1. Hi Michelle, thank you for sharing your story with me..
      You're story is similar to mine, I too was told that there was a possibility that I was going to have a normal pregnancy as one of my sets of blood work came back to have more than doubled in 48 hrs.. Then when I had my next set they had increased but not much, then was decided I would have the Methotrexate injection because I was scared of having an operation.. It was until under 2 weeks later that my tube ruptured.
      Will you eventually tell your daughter the truth about her having a baby brother/sister in heaven?
      My mum told my Brother, Sister & I about our sister whom was still born, she came after my sister, she would be 22 this year..
      I know the feeling of constant emptiness and feeling emotional, still to this day it effects me and it probably will do for a long while. Many people tend to brush it under the carpet and do not wish to speak of it again, but it depends on how you feel about this afterwards.
      There are a few groups that I am apart of on Facebook to do with Ectopic Pregnancies which I will share on this blog later this afternoon :) They're really lovely ladies and really helpful.

      You're period will come back in about a month, and I must warn you now, that it MAY hurt - alot.. Or at least it did for me, I was in agony for the first 2 months but after a while it eased up..
      But like I said, thats what I had doesn't mean it would happen to you too but be sure to have plenty of pain killers and a hot water bottle at hand.
      I was also advised to wait 3 months before I try to conceive again, and I haven't had any luck - as of yet. But I have just been informed from a friend whom found me on this blog a year or more so ago and we've been talking pretty much ever since we kept in touch via email first and then facebook.. She's now told me that a year later she's now pregnant again and having a little girl and she is very healthy.
      Her ectopic also resulted in her loosing one of her tubes.
      Are both of your tubes intact?
      If you ever need to talk I am here for you..
      Sorry for your loss <3