Sunday, 8 May 2011

I have a question...

Am I Mental For Wanting To Vent My Anger And Feelings And Thoughts On To Paper, Well Notebooks???

As you may know, I have Borderline Personality Disorder or at least some kind of Personality Disorder, Depression, Anxiety problems and slight Agoraphobia..
And I myself struggle talking and expressing my feelings "normally" but i feel that me writing helps myself without others knowing exactly what has been written..
I am in a bad place right now, I am going through a masses amount of problems and stress, and i cant cope with everything right now, and i felt at the time it was easier for me to write out on paper exactly how i am feeling.

But now, i am being told im mental and not normal for wanting to keep notebooks of stuff i write, i never re read anything i just write it and close the book and go back and write some more then close it etc. i have never re readen anything i wrote.
Apart from once, when i went through some old notepad files on the pc and i read some poems i had written years ago and it broke my heart, i guess i never really knew or understood exactly how i was feeling myself, and seeing that the feels have hardly changed was just awful.

I should really sort out my problems, but i have no patience for meds to work again, and really considering putting myself into a mental hospital or something just to keep me safe,
But if i did this, who is to say i can take the things that really mean to me like my cat for starters i couldnt leave him he needs me around, and loves my company!
no one texts me much anymore so hardly anyone is going to miss my texts/calls... i just really dont know what else i can do now, and after all the words that have been said, i just dont think its fair..

I was reminded of how this girl, has a life, has her baby etc. etc. etc. it just killed me.

I know it is nothing to do with you whom read this but i needed to get that off my chest! so i am sorry, but i am allowed to have feelings, arent i??


  1. I don't think it's weird at all to want to express your feelings. I find it easier to express myself on paper as well. If it helps you to cope, then I say keep writing in your notebooks. Look at the millions of blogs on the internet--you're obviously not the only person who feels this way!

    I do feel for you and worry for you though--make sure to get help & talk to real people if you need to as well.

  2. Hi Damara,
    Thank you for your comment, its nice to know that someoene else does the same as I. but i felt the need to ask due to others not understanding..

    I dont talk to real people, due to the fact that no one really does want to know, and nor are people happy with my "attitude"
    I do need to get to the doctors but it is hard when i do have some good days, but am also ashamed of myself to keep needing to go back every now and then.. x

  3. Its important to vent your feelings. There is nothing wrong with it at all. You should check out a great site for BPD. Good luck. I had an ectopic 10 years ago, it was devastating but I was fortunate to have 2 more kids since. Good luck.

    1. Thank you for your comment, Robin, I am glad to see that you were fortunate to have 2 kids afterwards =)
      I still don't fully understand my BPD even a year on.. But I do write to a mental health forum on the internet when I need advice or even just to talk to someone..
      I hope you are well x
      Sorry for the late reply, I've not been on properly in a while, as you can see
      Sam x