Wrong again..

This is a follow up from my last blog i wrote a couple of weeks ago,

in thinking i might be pregnant again...

well i am not!

Yesterday (22nd)

I started what i think is my period yesterday, i have been in a bit of discomfort and feeling disorientated etc.

But have dealt with it, i was going to go to the doctors yesterday and then was going to go today instead, but i do not wish to know if i am experiencing a miscarriage or not, because of what i went through last year has kind of put me off a little bit. even though i know IF i am experiencing another ectopic it could take my life - as i did almost loose it on the operating table!

But still, its something you do not wish to know, sometimes! i already lost one baby, i dont want to know if i am in the process of loosing yet another..

Only thing that is sort of keeping me "sane" is the thought of my baby angel flying high and free amongst the clouds with other special angel babies that God had other plans for etc.

Admittedly, i am gutted i have come on my period, again! i would do anything to have my own family, without having to mother my partners other kids with previous relationships, not that i am saying i dont like them or want to be around them, just it isnt the same.. i guess..

Suppose, only time will tell...

If Things Were Different..

If things were different you would be here now
If things were different i would be holding you close
If things were different you would be 4months old..
If things were different i would be watching you grow
If things were different my life would have some meaning
If things were different i would had known if you was my baby boy or my baby girl

People say "things happen for a reason" ...Still dont know what MY reason was...

Still, in some respects i cant complain a great deal, because i nearly lost my life, although sometimes i wish i had lost it, all because of what i had to go through all the pain, the blood tests internal scans and exams everything.. i had all that done for nothing - well seems to feel like nothing!
No one has helped me nor have they offered, when i woke up in hospital after my operation my mum, dad sister and her boyfriend and my uncle was there.. which was great!!
But no one offered any kind of support whilst i was sitting in the ward, except for a woman whom was leaving that day who offered me her tv card so i could watch telly..
I just cant get over it, what did i ever do that was so wrong to result into this...??

Still, i am never gonna find out the answer now!


I just hope i never have to go through that, again!

xx Happy Valentines Day xx

Happy Valentines Day, Billie!!

This red rose is for my precious little angel Billie
I dont care if people say i am silly
Your always be my baby even though your in spirit
But when i talk to you i know your hear it
Thinking of you today which is nothing new
I feel so empty and useless without you
Give me strength to fight each day
Heal my breaking heart in any way
Your always be special to me
Even though I been left to be


Ok that poem wasnt so great, but it is hard to find the words to express myself when i am feeling so low, not because of my ectopic, not because of valentines day, but just due to the fact where i wish i knew where i went wrong and how i could had fixed or prevented it.. Things have been pretty tough, but i feel ashamed to talk about it and mention it because no one cares nor are people interested.
I know i post out on here, which again i shouldnt but i needed something where i could let of steam a little..
Plus, as regards to my previous post, its been a year since i found out i was pregnant, almost a year before you was taken from me.. (even if you did try to take me with you)


I just dont know whats going on with me personally, because i am still waiting my period! am i being blessed with a baby, or yet another angel?
Or just generally over reacting and nothing is wrong with me at all (even though people say i have menopause... I am only 23)


Ohhhhhh i dont know, i just need to scream and let off some steam me thinks!!

Almost A Year Later..

It was around this time last year that i found out i was pregnant...

And it was awful... not finding out i am pregnant, that was excellent learning i was gonna be a mummy...
but finding out i was having an ectopic was just unfair..

Things happen for a reason, but i dont know what the reason was for me! and i dont think i will ever learn...
Well, apart from things changing between me and my other half, but that was based upon our rocky relationship anyway, nothing got better for me as i was left wondering and feeling empty and confused..
Some days i was ok, others i would just realise that i never gonna be a mummy

Angel Mummy... i have settled for! and either way, its not so bad, just i dont get to do the things real mummys do! :(

There isnt a moment that goes by that i think of "what could had been" and wondering what she/he would had looked like, and how things would be different now!

But, this is where it gets confusing...

My periods, have been regular since the ectopic, never missed one been 1-2 days late or 1-2 days early, but thats it.
I am now 12 days late for my period...
Am i pregnant?
Is my body playing tricks on me?
Am i gonna have another ectopic??
- these are the questions that i am firing at myself in the back of my mind.. But i have now taken 3 pregnancy tests, one faint positive, other 2 negative!
(I even took pictures of the first two together because you could see the other line)

Reasons to why it is confusing me is this...
Last Year...
Last period - 28th-30th December 2009
Next period - 28th January 2010
Due Date - 6th October 2010

This year
Last Period - 27th-30th December 2010
Next Period - 27th January 2011
Due Date - 5th October 2011        (IF PREGNANT)

Maybe i am just being over reactive... but it is weird, especially to me!!

But then again, last year on the 6th feb i had started spotting, which lead onto bleeding which ended up being suspected miscarriage/ectopic! and well i dont have anything like that, nor i do i really have any symptoms!
- i feel dizzy at times, my back hurts at times, i feel sick on and off, i am tired all the time (but thats nothing new) i get tummy cramps and i also feel as thought something inside me is tightening and clenching... and i feel like i am about to come on so i rush to toilet and nothing there! including having itchy nipples and tingling sensations

All of what i am feeling now pretty much i never had last year, and what i had last year i do not have this year...
Thinking about it, i am probably just paranoid.. and thinking somethings gonna happen, when it probably wont! but it is still very worrying, well to me anyway!
I not really spoke to anyone about this either, except mentioning it to my mum and partner and a friend!

Who knows, apart of me thinks that my body is playing tricks on me, as if it was a way for Billie to let me know she/he is around and watching over me.. making sure i dont forget, who knows!!

Could It Be....?

Last night i was sitting up in a great deal amount of pain, not as bad as i had felt with the ectopic, but enough to scare the living daylights out of me.
For the last week since i have had my monthly, i have had lots of strange feelings in my tummy, including pains and discomfort in my left side.. area! Its been awful.
Few days ago, i had a deepish fluttering like throbbing sensation in my left hip.. i could even pinpoint where it was and feel the sensations.. it was so weird!
not long after i had got this weird feeling in my tummy, well underneath my belly button in my bikini line area i had a fluttering like tightening sensation, as  if something inside me had grabbed me!

I have also had the sensations on and off in the day today, they seemed to have eased off a bit tonight though, but i cant do anything until monday when i get to go to the doctors..
I got to go anyway because i need to sort out my meds..

But this has got me worried quite a bit =(

Hopefully it aint nothing tooo serious, and something easily fixed!

Did upset me though, as it kinda bought back memories of my ectopic i had in March!

My Ectopic Pregnancy

This is the picture to try and show the size of what i had removed the day i had the surgery, thought it would more realisitc than having a 50p instead lol
I estimated that the size would had been an inch and a half at least..
I still keep thinking about that day, but it just seems to hurt so much because it kinda feels like a dream?
As if it never happened, but i know it did because i do actually lay in bed or lay in the bath and i rub my tummy .. and talk to myself!
I even rub the scars on my bikini line, because they still often hurt from time to time - just a sort of like aching feeling when i am thinking about it.. nothing major.. well it cant really be major, it has been now over 7 months since February/March time..!
Still cant believe it happened, and still cant believe i actually managed to learn i was pregnant!! even if it was for 12 short weeks!!
I know alot of people say its silly for "dragging it on" or thinking about it constantly, but it difficult this time, because i know i was pregnant! :(
I am pretty sure i have had a couple of miscarriages before, but never said anything to anyone.. it aint like anyone could stop it from happening, is it!?
Still, least i go to bed knowing that my angel is always with me, living inside my heart :)

" Coping Skills "

Today was the first official session of Coping Skills..

All we talked about was ways of helping me sleep, and things which could stop me from sleeping.

So now i have some 'homework' to do, so i am going to start trying it out tonight, although i am pretty tired from the bad night last night, so i might just get off to sleep ok with out no worries, if i do then i am going to cry!!

But then again, i do have my ipod - that kind of helps.. because i can relax myself and take my mind off things by editing photos or playing games on it..

I had a panic before i left, as i was tired from bad night sleep and constant waking etc. and stressing about what happened in the evening didnt really help matters..

So i didnt actually get out of bed and do something until almost 1pm.. and then finally got ready to leave for 13:30.. until got to the bus stop and saw the buses were up shoot :( 3 buses went past to chichester, but nothing going to Bognor i was like argh.. noo!! i text my friend in a panic but thankfully a bus finally came, as i would had been fooked if i couldn't had got there because of no transport :(

But it turned out ok in the end, just as soon as i got out though i started shaking and felt very light headed as if i was going to faint.. but i didnt i just stood there shivvering as it was soo bloody cold today!! i cant wear anything too heavy under neath my coat/jacket, so i wear a vest top so i dont sweat soo much..

But, i didnt realise it would end up being almost freezing at 3pm lol i wish i had taken a scarf to be honest!!

I need to buy a file to keep all my informations together, so i don't loose it and its all together and i can flick back and forth to stuffs also!

So i guess it would be kinda like going back to school lol

Also mentioned about something i forgot last week to mention was help to get over my ectopic pregnancy because i dont think i can do it on my own, considering it has now been nearly 7months and i just genuinely cannot get it off my mind or stop thinking about and worrying about the way things could've have been.. especially wanting to have been able to have my baby, and wondering how my life would be like with him/her in my life etc.

But i was told i would need counselling through my GP for that, or support groups.. or i could look into the internet for help and talk about it amongst people in similar situations etc.

So i can either wait for the end of my coping skills sessions to work out what would be best, or i can go to my GP or just find support myself..!

..Would had thought that apart of these sessions would be help towards coping with the loss of my baby.. but apparently not!

Well i got go doctors next week to sort out my Anti Depressants, and sort out few bits... so i might as well mention it then!

Lets hope that something or someone can help.. i have had counselling before, but this time it would be for a different reason...!

Hmmm.. I Wonder...

Ok.. I know it has now been 7months now since the operation and stuff.. but i just cant help but think..

.. does the baby still grow in your tube/ovary etc. like a "normal" pregnancy...? like getting all the fetal developments etc.
Because i do know that some people have had the chance to listen to their babies heart beat - even having an Ectopic pregnancy - which i unfortunately never got to experience.. But i keep thinking about what my mum had told me after the operation and what exactly they removed.. and how big!!

Again, this is something i dont know what to do about because it has been 7months and there isnt really a great deal i can do about it, i guess?
But it would be nice to know, or even have some idea of what the sex was etc. because it can start to show cant it...?

But then.. thinking about that they dont want people to dwel on it, well i am sorry .. but people do! and that cannot be helped when they've technically lost a baby!!
I keep getting told off for thinking about what i had and lost, and i dont know why! even though it was Ectopic.. it was still growing inside me with my flesh and blood... right??

So, i thought i would take it upon myself to look and read what the 12week mark in pregnancy entails and what the baby would've looked like - and whether it would still look similar or the same... partly only reason i looked today was thinking about the size they took away..

and it is about the size of a 50p piece

But i do not have one at my size to measure

So i measured the gap in between the size of what i was told and it is
1.5 Inches...?

i cannot take a picture of me holding the ruler well the large semicircle i used, because my phone doesnt enable the numbers etc. to show! but it hopefully would give you some idea, if any!

This Is A Little Something I Wrote For Billie.. My Angel!

Day after day it plays on my mind

If i am not careful it may make me blind

I cant really get over what i done

It hard when you were no bigger than my thumb

I really hoped my chance had come

But God took you away up to his home

To blue skies rainbows and lots of fun

It hurts me when i was meant to become your mum

My chance was taken away from me so quick

Didnt even enable me much of a chance to think

I knew you were not growing in my womb

But i shouldn't had made that decision so soon

Nothing will change how i wanted you here

For nothing had ever been confirmed till this year

Instead i hope you look down on me up above

And praise your mummy with your love

Because i will love you to the day i die

Nothing or no one can change this, wanna know why?

Because you ARE my Baby, An Angel in fact!

The reasons for writing this is because where i had the Methotrexate injection, to avoid surgery I missed my final blood test, for failing to get to the hospital with no money nor transport and no one was willing to help me out, so i left it. It wasn't until i put my phone on and picked up my answer phone messages was when my Gynechologist and doctor had been trying to ring me as was important and had been trying to get me to go to the hospital.

* reason phone was off was due to some idiot harassing me*

Well in a way it didnt matter in the end, because failing to get my last bloods done, my fallopian tube had ruptured at the end of Mothers Day (14th March 2010)

So ended up in hospital the next day dosed up on Morphine...

It was horrible i couldnt believe it was happening to me, the Gynechologist and my doctor gave me positive results on phone with my bloods saying there is a chance it a normal pregnancy, despite the scans showing nothing in my womb...

Was kinda an awful experience, even thinking about it now makes me feel sad and wish i could've done something better for my baby, instead of signing a consent form to give them my baby for science...

I was on my own at this point with forms being thrown at me and having to sign everything (mum was on phone) so i just signed stuff.. i couldn't really read it properly due to the morphine, and fact that they was rushing around me because i was due to go into theatre that minute!

Just wish i could've done something for my very tiny angel!

Admittedly, i was only 12 weeks gone, but 12weeks is still a long time, espeecially to me! plus my baby had my flesh, my blood.. no matter WHAT!!!

Still, to this day i still wonder if there was ANYTHING i could've done better...

October 2010

Today is the 8th of October, and i would be due right about now, well the estimated due date was the 6th October! - but you know what the internet is like!! lol

Ok, so not a great deal has changed in the last few months when i last left a post, except the thought of what would happen in the long run..
Nothing much has happened since this, ok it has been 6months now, but nothing will happen, and i don't think it ever will!
For 8 years i had convinced myself that i was unable to have children, was too scared to find out if the answer was a yes or a no.
And for what to have happened in March kind of made me convinced again now that i cannot have kids... which is going to have to be something i am going to have to accept :(

I am still down and depressed about all of this - as to be expected :( but there is not a great deal i can do to change this, except i am back at stage one in getting myself in general back in order again with my mental health! but at least that is a start, and is also another reason to which i am so messed up again...!!

Who knows, maybe one day i might get lucky? but until then... 

An Update..

It has been, 2 months since i last wrote to this, so i thought i should really give an update of whats been happening,
Which, i have to admit has been very little..

It is getting difficult at times, especially where i joined a website, and they keep sending me email reminders that i am " __ weeks pregnant!!!!"
I do though, however have a Ticker from lilypie.. saying IF things were different, but that was just a "gentle" reminder - as i dont really come on this often now..
But seen i would had been 29w is bit of shock - in a way!

Still.. I am in myself up and down, having problems and still think the what if's - sometimes i dont think about it at all..

I seem to have continued to have a normal period - back to the way it used to be, i started off with April & May periods in agony and generally feeling unwell... and when June came along it was as if nothing had actually happened.. and then 3 weeks later i came on (now) - but this time around i seem to be feeling it this time - but i have been having problems and been very stressed, which could be a possibility for my earlyness.. i dunno
But, no other pregnancy has taken place since this, and i dont think i will ever get the chance to again! still, least i have the sort of reminder and memory of spending the whole month in and out of hospitals for blood tests, pokes and prods etc.

The 8 Week Mark..

Well i am now on the 8th week mark from my operation, and i am still feeling pretty much the same as i have done now since the op.
I am very confused, questioning everything and genuinely in some ways worrying myself into thinking how or what could have caused this.
Most common cause (apparently) is an STD - but as far as i am aware i do not sleep around, and i have only slept with 4 people.. however all the people i was dating was cheating or have cheated - so who knows!
Maybe i shouldnt had been such a dick and done checks etc. when it started happening, maybe that way i could have prevented this?
Still, whats done is done, i guess.. but now its getting to the point in what do i want to do now, what will happen, i do not have anyone to talk to about all of this, due to having to reschedual appointments with Kevin because I was in hospital and ill from the injections etc. - boy do i wish i had gone regardless of how much pain i was in! *grr*
Nothing has been solved, talked about nor resolved - i wish i had people who went through the same as me, to come forward and help me get through this and learn from their Ectopic to give me hope and strength that i will get a second chance etc.
The last couple of days i have been through a website on yahoo called Answers - and i have found many many many questions talking about their experiences, or working out if it is ectopic etc. and i never ever really thought that Ectopic was so known, i had only ever heard about it once, and i believe that was few years ago with some girl on Casulty having one.. so i was bit shocked.
Unfortunatly, one person has come forward and left me an answer about my chances of having another one - and said she would talk to me about her experiences with me, so that would be nice, if she does - but i am not going to push it really, becuase some times it can be a difficult subject to talk about.

5 weeks and still going strong..

Well it was 5 weeks on Monday (19th) and i am still going 'strong'

I keep thinking about the "what ifs" and wondering what it would be like if it wasnt ectopic!

i mean now, i would be 17 weeks

(dunno why i am still counting or anything) 

but personally i think that i right now would be happy and getting ready and telling people, but i'm not, because of the ectopic!

I'm still unsure on my feelings, as i get upset now and then when i think about it - where as other times i can talk about it and smile - maybe its a phase or a face i put on kind of like make-up?

Still it is something i have managed to come out "with a smile on my face" and i dont know if i should feel good about it or bad or what,

I guess it didnt really help with the good news and then bad news and then good news and then bad etc.

I think about it though, wondering what my life would be like after he/she were born.. wondering what their characteristics would be like etc.

- again something i should not do! but the more i think about loosing him/her it makes me feel guilty.. and often feels like i have let him/her down in some ways - its hard explain! its even harder where i have no one to talk to about any of this anymore.. I have a mental health counsiler but i have not seen him in 2 months due to the ectopic pregnancy!

So god knows what im going to say - but after all this i just feel like half a woman and to be honest, with having my mental health problems i often feel "i cant carry on" or "whats the use, i'm half a woman" etc.

I mean for the last 5 maybe 6 years nothing has ever come to light about a pregnancy, nothing! and then all of a sudden after christmas, with the "new year new start" i find out i pregnant 2 months in and then 3 months in im in hospital having emergancy operations etc..

crazy crazy crazy!

still.. i should be "pleased" or "happy" or something along them lines, as well it could had been worse, i mean years ago no one knew how to stop or prevent this, so many people were loosing their lives (apparently) - but i dunno.. i really would love to have a baby, or even have a second chance to see if i can still "function" with only one tube... but im scared of the thoughts for i dont know where i would be what would happen and if i would have to keep going back and forth back and forth to St Richards for more blood tests etc. and i would have to be properly monitored because of whats just happened.. and well there is also the risk of having another ectopic...

Again, i dont know much about statistics or what happens as no one told me at the hospital when i was in after the operation, i had someone come and look at the patches and then left and again the day on my release someone came and looked at me and said i could go home... and that was it!

...in a way i guess i am kind of lucky to have the internet as a resource of information, but still sometimes can even read into that and take it for more than it already means (something along them lines) - plus sometimes the internet can exagerate..

But at the end of the day, if the doctors/nurses at the hospital had given me some information or spoke to me about it after the operation it would not had been so bad, but i guess you cant "win them all" but still would had been nice, but then i realised after i left that they dont have the same notes as the Doctors surgery does, but then if they did maybe they might had helped me out bit more...? who knows, unfortunatly i cannot turn back time, and i cannot put things right no matter how much i wish, and how much i wanna try.

I need to try and live my life, or least try to do it better, but it is difficult sometimes, although i am not actually sure how and why i just feel it deep down!

I mean i go out and i see "mum to be" or a mum pushing a buggy... and i just think, "that could had been me" and sometimes i get bit upset and my heart sinks!

At the moment, i just have to think about what the future holds, maybe it would change and i get my wish, or maybe it wont and i just end up with .........

Ectopic Pregnancy: Diagnosis and Management

Becoming A Mother: Ectopic Pregnancy, Miscarriage, Infertility, Relationships, And My Bumpy Road To Motherhood

A Silent Sorrow: Pregnancy Loss - Guidance and Support for You and Your Family (Revised and Updated 2nd Edition)

Grief Unseen: Healing Pregnancy Loss Through the Arts

Ohhhhh.... Its Been A While...

oops.. i have not wrote this one for a while neither..

but i can say:

It has been 4 weeks and 6 days since the operation, and the removal of MY baby & MY Fallopian tube, and just last night i have now started my period.. this is the first one i have had since December.
I am in bit of pain, but luckily for me i have the pain killers from the operation left still such as the Naproxen & Cocodymols..
I keep getting upset - because i feel different.. and i guess i KNOW that apart of me is missing... but i am struggling to get it out properly, i have not even seen the mental health counciler person i see at my drs surgery in over a month or two, and the next appointment i got was for the 30th, so he doesnt even know what is going on and i have not really got any one to talk to about it so i was going to keep a blog so i could write it out to make me feel in some respects bit better,
but due to some idiots causing problems from them and using bits of the information to cause a row etc. its hardly fair, but i dont know of any other way i can " get out " my emotions or feelings when i have seemed to have lost alot of people over the last month since the operation as people have just not spoke to me or ignored me etc.
I guess i'd kinda like things to go back to the way they used to be, but i know deep deep deep down inside they cant be, because i probably cannot ever have kids... for the many fears that would now replace it..

Blood Test Results

I was booked in on friday 26th to have a blood test to check my Blood Levels.. They were 8.8 when i left the hospital, so they need to go back up to 11..
(the reason for the drop in blood level is due to loosing the mass amounts of blood i had lost when my ectopic pregnancy ruptured)
I phoned up my Doctors Surgery this afternoon for the results ... and they've told me this:

" You are required to repeat the blood test in one month, the levels have gone up but not alot, so make sure you keep taking the iron tablets. You are still a bit anemic "

...Not sure if that is a good sign or not really, but i guess i will be ok, i mean i am for some reason ok in myself, the normal pain in the bum miserable person i was before i had my op etc.
I guess i have not grieved properly as i am trying to keep it to the back of my mind and everything as i know not alot of people do actually care, i have shared my story with a couple of Ectopic Pregnancy groups on Facebook - but i never got any response, so i guess i kinda feel like i am diseased and no one wants to come near me etc. - probably a strange way to put it or think about, but it is however how i feel about the whole situation, i have not had much resposne from friends or family neither still - regardless of my mum & Tim letting my friends list (and the people whom i thought was friends/family) know whats going on, and still no one has said much! *sigh*
I also kinda feel that i have had to deal with it as i was thrown in at the last min to have the operation, but i was also told on and off that it was good then bad then good then bad and given false hopes - i just dont know!

Very difficult subject and Very difficult situation... dunno how i am coping!? - amazed!!!