Been A Hard Couple Of Weeks..

15 March 2015 was Mother's Day here in the UK and what made it hard was that my angels angelversary was on the same day :(

It has been 5 years now since I lost my Angel and I still can't work out why everything went wrong :( it's not fair.. 

This year I had a few distractions though, I was picked up Sunday morning and spent some time with my grandparents, dad, aunt and cousins and it was lovely I enjoy spending time with them.. I did want to avoid the internet as much as possible, but I had to go online for something for my dad, and my facebook went off like mad, it was only from the very small handful of people that commented on my wall and pictures..

I only had 4/5 people on my friends list who wrote on my wall to tell me they was thinking of me, what's worse is that I have 240 friends on facebook!!

The rest of the day was spent with my heavily pregnant sister, mum and nephew we had a roast that my mum cooked for us and it was all lovely.

When we got in I set up my candles and lit them in memory of my Angel and all the other angels that had gone too soon.

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Good People Are Hard To Find...

I have a couple of lovely friends on facebook who know about my loss, and they have admitted they will never forget about me and my angel, Billie.. This is what she has left for me tonight:

To some it won't mean much, but to me it means everything.

Thank you for keeping me and my angel, Billie in your thoughts.. It is really hitting me hard this year realizing the things that I am missing out on.. It really does hurt :(

I have had a hard time finding/making friends especially on facebook with an endless amount of problems one after the other and finding people aren't who they claim to be etc.

Even with that in mind, I managed to find a unique special friend in a lady on my friends list. She too lost a baby, a gorgeous little girl she named Tilly. I support her page when I can by making items and donating some of the items that I can make to her page so that she can help raise money for SANDS.

Please take a moment to stop by at her page ~TillyBeansKeepsakes~ForYourLittleAngels~ and give it a like and even spend some time nosing through her page. You will not be disappointed.

Tomorrow Marks The Start Of The Blog...

Tomorrow will mark the day that I started this blog. It is sometimes hard to believe that it has been 5 years since I first started this blog. Upsets me because I feel that nothing has changed and still feel that I have no answers to it all.

I am a little emotional because it means that the next couple of weeks are going to be quite hard for me! March has always been a difficult month for me, because my Nan died on the 6th March 1996 so I struggle with that already, and having my Angel day does make it a little hard for me.

Cannot believe that this is going to be the 5th year since all this has happened and still feel no different..

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Babies Everywhere..

I am starting to struggle a little at the moment, everywhere I turn there are people sharing pictures of their newborn babies, or sharing pictures of their own children and also scans because they've not long got pregnant..

Makes doing things quite hard because all I seem to do is wish it was me!!

This life after my ectopic pregnancy hasn't changed, nothing has improved and I am still in the same situation as I was back in 2010 not knowing the outcome of any of this.

It is also quite hard sometimes with my own family.. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my family, but sometimes I look at my sister and wish it was me and I wish it was my turn :( she's due towards the end of March and my mum and my sister have apparently been talking about how nice it would be if her new baby was born on my Angel's Day :( I don't know how to feel about any of this!

What's worse is that my mum talks about is her grandsons and never mentions or remembers mine.

I am going to be thinking about doing something special this year. Because this year my angel would be 5 and getting ready to start school :( it's not fair

That Heart Breaking Moment When...

The heart breaking moment when your own mum forgets about what I went through!!

Yes.. That's right FORGETS!!

I was flicking through the avon catalogue and found a couple of nice bits that I liked, but decided to get them in the March Birthstone: Aquamarine.

When I get it out and I look at it and she asks what I bought, and when I told her I got March, she kept asking me why.. Asked if it was because I liked the colour or wanted it because it will match my clothes

I didn't know what to say, because that moment I realised that everyone had forgotten.. I didn't expect anyone to remember, but after that day about a week or so back, I have sat down to try and work out how people can forget something like that, and wonder how I can't forget and move on like everyone else has.

It's only a few months left now till it's been 5 years! I don't remember everything now, I have put it to the back of my mind, but it is something that is always on my mind if that makes sense :/

When I hold a baby, spend time with my godson and Nephews and even met a couple of my friends kids, it hurts and I always wish that it was ME and that it was MY turn :(

Feel a little let down by it all if I am honest

Miscarriage Information

In one of the groups I am apart of to do with Ectopic Pregnancy, someone shared a link to another blog, one talking about miscarriages.. I have just read it and I have to say that although it is a post about having a miscarriage, the feelings are still the same even though I've had an Ectopic Pregnancy.

This is quite interesting, and suggest that you should give it a read too:

5 Things I Didn't Know About Miscarriages, Until I Had One.

(link opens in new window)

I am pretty sure that someone, like myself can relate to the information shared above.

Thinking Ahead Can Be Tough..

After talking to a woman a see from MIND this morning I have been thinking more and more and more about what I told her to do with the future.

I guess I didn't realize how scared I am of the outcome.. I would give everything to have my own family.. And after thinking about the way that things went, made me realise that I could've done everything so different :(

If I had opted for surgery the same day I was told that I could either have surgery or an injection... Thinking about it now, I really wish I had done more for myself instead of just taking the injection to see if that worked..

Really, I should've made it so that I had my last blood test instead of giving up because I couldn't get to the hospital.

If anything.. As time goes on I feel more guilty for the way I dealt with everything :'( I guess it didn't help that I didn't quite know what to expect and didn't have any kind of understanding of the situation until I googled information for Ectopic Pregnancy and realised that the pain I was in was because of the tube rupturing.

Really wish I could move on and feel a little better about the situation instead of feeling more guilty every day.. I don't want to forget what happened, just wish I could learn to deal with it properly or at least find someway of coping with it.

It's 2015 so I plan to make some changes to myself and hope to be able make myself feel and look better and attempt to solve the ache in my heart and to stop worrying about what hasn't happened yet.