Christmas this year was a weird one for me. I struggled this time around and I was just an emotional mess.
I was adamant that I wanted to be on my own this year and not be around anyone as I felt that this would be the best option for me. I was invited to spend it with my brother his fiance and her family with my mum but I knew that I wouldn't feel comfortable and after having my issues a couple of months ago with medication changes I knew I wouldn't be able to cope with it all. I was invited to spend Christmas with my best friend again this year. She and the family invited me and my mum to join them 3 years ago which was lovely.
After a couple of weeks of trying to work out what I wanted to do I reluctantly decided to go to my friends for Christmas Day. I decided to do it that way so if I had had enough I can just go home whenever I wanted too and not have to worry about anything.
It was lovely had some lovely food and got spoilt with lovely gifts from my friends and her kids. But when her mum and dad and sisters turned up the kids were showered with so many gifts and I started to feel uncomfortable.
Their kids had so many bits brought for them and I just started thinking about my baby that I lost and couldn't help but think about what my child would've been like this year for their Christmas and then wondering what they'd be into whether I had a boy or a girl. I had already been up and down all morning already and during the early part of the afternoon but it had just started to get worse and I just wanted to grab my stuff and leg it out the door!
I'm not jealous or anything, I just wish that I had my friends life she has such a great family and its hard because all my life I have wanted to have kids. Even when she had her eldest I knew I wanted to have kids when I could but it never happened until the day I found out I was pregnant then I started bleeding and lead to loads of scans, blood tests examinations and then after about 2-3 weeks it was said that I was having an ectopic pregnancy and that I had to either have surgery or the injection. Thinking about it now I should've just gone for the surgery not the injection but I wasn't to know that the injection wasn't going to work as it was supposed to.
Hopefully one day I can change my thoughts and feelings and have a family before it is too late *fingers crossed*
Sunday 29 December 2019
Saturday 7 December 2019
Talking Dreams And The Past Never Ends Well...
About a week or so ago I was out for a meal with my mum, brother and his fiance for his birthday and we were talking about dreams and how sometimes they come true in a weird way.
I mentioned the dream that my friend had as she has this kind of gift where she can see things happen and somewhat predict the future slightly. The dream she told me about was when her daughter was pregnant, in the dream she said that the baby was going to be a girl and that she predicted who would be godparents. I wasn't expecting to be asked to be a Godmother again but I was and my friend had messaged me not long after and congratulated me on being asked. I was confused as I had not told anyone at this point but she said that she knew I was going to be picked because it was in her dream. She also mentioned who the other godmother was going to be and the godfathers. She admitted that she got half of the godparents right but didn't expect the choice of the others if that makes sense.
So, after were talking about that my brothers fiance admitted that she had dreams like that and said about her experiences. It was interesting to talk about and learn new things about each other.
I then went on and told about the dream that I had wrote about a few years ago called My Weird Dream I Had... (link opens in new window) I was talking about the dream and how weird it was and odd that I had this dream but never dreamt about anything like it since. I never had a follow up or a change or anything it was that weird that I don't think I had even mentioned it to anyone until that night. I explained about the dream I had and how I was able to have access to my hospital records and I found out about what happened with the Ectopic Pregnancy and was even presented with the info that the baby was a girl. I felt a little worried about sharing it because of the subject and felt that it was a good time to talk about it. But although I shared how the dream went and the information I was given because I was obviously 12 weeks when my tube had ruptured so I would've never got to know what the baby's sex was etc. But the name that I had chosen was a named I liked and knew it was a unisex name.
My reasons for choosing Billie was because I loved the name and I thought it was appropriate and different. I did go through a list with my mum when I was in the waiting room waiting to be examined again.
So yeah, I mentioned the dream and my mum piped up and said that it would've been impossible to learn if the baby was a boy or a girl because it was too early. Obviously, I knew that and that I would probably never get any information from what happened, or know why it happened as I don't think I'll be granted access to my hospital records for my mental health. But this dream that I had at the time was obviously a little comfort I guess, but now I feel ashamed for even mentioning it to anyone especially my family as I thought they'd be understanding or interested to hear about the dream but I was so wrong. It's been playing on my mind since and I wish I had never mentioned it because it kinda hurt me. I've never ever said that oh yeah I think it was a boy or a girl as I knew it was too early to say just never thought that my mum of all people would've made me feel so ashamed to admit that I had a dream like this, especially since my mum had lost our sister 25 weeks into pregnancy and she also suffered a miscarriage before she had my brother.
In future I am just going to keep to blogging information like this because it feels easier than actually talking to anyone about this because I guess there is always going to be someone who doesn't understand or will just be negative.
I know that I have been having a lot of issues recently so I am very sensitive and may have taken it wrong, but I was just so hurt and it bothered me a little..
I mentioned the dream that my friend had as she has this kind of gift where she can see things happen and somewhat predict the future slightly. The dream she told me about was when her daughter was pregnant, in the dream she said that the baby was going to be a girl and that she predicted who would be godparents. I wasn't expecting to be asked to be a Godmother again but I was and my friend had messaged me not long after and congratulated me on being asked. I was confused as I had not told anyone at this point but she said that she knew I was going to be picked because it was in her dream. She also mentioned who the other godmother was going to be and the godfathers. She admitted that she got half of the godparents right but didn't expect the choice of the others if that makes sense.
So, after were talking about that my brothers fiance admitted that she had dreams like that and said about her experiences. It was interesting to talk about and learn new things about each other.
I then went on and told about the dream that I had wrote about a few years ago called My Weird Dream I Had... (link opens in new window) I was talking about the dream and how weird it was and odd that I had this dream but never dreamt about anything like it since. I never had a follow up or a change or anything it was that weird that I don't think I had even mentioned it to anyone until that night. I explained about the dream I had and how I was able to have access to my hospital records and I found out about what happened with the Ectopic Pregnancy and was even presented with the info that the baby was a girl. I felt a little worried about sharing it because of the subject and felt that it was a good time to talk about it. But although I shared how the dream went and the information I was given because I was obviously 12 weeks when my tube had ruptured so I would've never got to know what the baby's sex was etc. But the name that I had chosen was a named I liked and knew it was a unisex name.
My reasons for choosing Billie was because I loved the name and I thought it was appropriate and different. I did go through a list with my mum when I was in the waiting room waiting to be examined again.
So yeah, I mentioned the dream and my mum piped up and said that it would've been impossible to learn if the baby was a boy or a girl because it was too early. Obviously, I knew that and that I would probably never get any information from what happened, or know why it happened as I don't think I'll be granted access to my hospital records for my mental health. But this dream that I had at the time was obviously a little comfort I guess, but now I feel ashamed for even mentioning it to anyone especially my family as I thought they'd be understanding or interested to hear about the dream but I was so wrong. It's been playing on my mind since and I wish I had never mentioned it because it kinda hurt me. I've never ever said that oh yeah I think it was a boy or a girl as I knew it was too early to say just never thought that my mum of all people would've made me feel so ashamed to admit that I had a dream like this, especially since my mum had lost our sister 25 weeks into pregnancy and she also suffered a miscarriage before she had my brother.
In future I am just going to keep to blogging information like this because it feels easier than actually talking to anyone about this because I guess there is always going to be someone who doesn't understand or will just be negative.
I know that I have been having a lot of issues recently so I am very sensitive and may have taken it wrong, but I was just so hurt and it bothered me a little..
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