I'm Fake? No, Not Really.. But I Wish I Was..

I am kind of gutted to learn that a few people I classed as friends turned around and said that I am fake, and so is my Angel, that I named Billie..
How could I lie about something like this when I have been keeping and writing to this blog on and off since February 2010 when I had my first injection of Methotrexate to terminate the pregnancy to stop my tube from rupturing, and then posting from when my tube ruptured due to not having my last blood tests in March 2010..
In all honesty, this has hurt me a little but at the end of the day thats down to them to continue thinking whatever it is they want to think.. I know the truth and so does my family that was there for me from day one.

I don't have much to prove that what I went through is real, I do on the other hand have pictures of my pregnancy test - which doesn't really prove anything.. Because its just a stick that you pee'd on to say if your pregnant or not, and I know a lot of people fake those too!! (sad)

All I hear/see on facebook is people arguing amongst themselves claiming each of them are fake :/ I don't understand it, people state that being amongst other Angel Mothers, and more is a place for comfort and support - when really it isn't because everyone picks on each other, slags each other off behind their backs and then stabs them in the back regardless.. I don't get it..
I guess this is kind of why a select few know a little bit about what happened, and why I don't want to involve myself with too many people whom have Angel's.. Its sad that it has to come down to that but I hate seeing everyone pick on each other its just wrong..

I just still cannot believe that my so called friends think that I am fake too - although I was expecting it because some people do not class an Ectopic as a loss, when it should be classed as a loss, because even though the baby isn't growing in the womb, it is still a baby and it is still growing inside of us, so therefore it should be classed as a loss.. Although I am not sure if it IS classed as a loss, if it isn't then it really should to be honest..
Really sucks though because I lay on my back in bed and I feel my scars under my tummy - I have 3 one in the middle, and the other 2 are either side.. Although you cannot probably see them now, I can feel them because they are little dents in my tummy.. Not to mention I have a fairly large ugly one in my belly button that I can see and feel - I don't like that one..
But its a little, and sad reminder of what happened back then, not to mention the tattoo that I got in memory of my Angel in May 2011..

Its That Time Of Year.... Again

Yep that's right, its almost Christmas.. I have not been feeling it again this year.. Mainly because last year it was pants and the year before it wasn't so bad, better than the year before when my parents had split up and tried to have a "good" Christmas for the sake of us 'kids' - Me, My Sister & Brother, but that was a disaster in the end..

Last year, I didn't do anything special and I don't really intend to this year. I am yet to hear from my parents about what's going to happen, rather hide away and be on my own, if I am honest.

It just really sucks that this year would've been my Angel's 3rd Christmas - if He/She didn't grow in my Fallopian tube and rupture in March 2010.
I think of all the children getting to spend with their parents, or even new born babies experiencing their first Christmas, like for instant, my Godson, this is going to be his first ever Christmas, and he is lucky to experience this because when he was born he was born with the cord wrapped around his neck, and if he had it wrapped around one more time he could've died :( so he is very special..
I guess I just think of it as another year without someone, the last 22 years it was my sister because she was stillborn 14th September 1990, and then in March 1996 it was my nan's turn to go due to Breast Cancer..
In a way, I am kind of used to it - to put it harshly, just wish that things didn't end the way they did though, it would be awesome if everyone was still here!! But hey, whats the harm in wishing?

I do wish everyone a gentle merry christmas, I know a lot of my followers are in the same position as me with loosing loved ones and missing them around Christmas time, a time for families to come together and be 'merry'
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Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Week 9th-15th October

As many of you may know, this week is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness week..

I've got a page up on facebook to which I make graphics through, which you can find here.. DaisyChain Dezign.. I've been playing around with Paint Shop Pro now for 7 years! I am not very good, but there are some things I am good AT - but I am currently learning new things and some of the things I am learning I am using with my graphics at the moment! :)

With my graphics page, at the moment I am currently offering Pregnancy & Infant Loss graphics, I have a Breast Cancer Awareness one, but no one seems interested in that one!

So if you are following my blog and and you see this post you can stop by, join my page and request for yourself..

Here are a couple of offers that I have available on my page at the moment:

Images Are Linked To My Graphics Page!!

Template Was Made By Designs Of Lost Words Blog - Can Be Found On Facebook.

These offers are open until 14th October!

I have had many graphics made for me for my Angel that I named Billie over the last year, and to display all of these that friends have made I have had to set up a private group on facebook - this is because people really can be so cruel and because people don't like seeing my graphics or me talking about my angel on facebook regardless of it being MY PAGE - but to keep people happy I just don't talk to people about it anymore.

Even though Billie, WAS an Ectopic Pregnancy that ruptured - HE/SHE is still an Angel and mean a lot to me regardless of what other people think!!

Since I lost, Billie, I have had pictures of their name taken with a gorgeous Candle that my friend has done since 2010 without fail.

Last year (2011) I tried to do something similar but I didn't really do a good job with that lol

I was going to try and do it again this year but changed my mind and opted to do something a little more special instead, a group graphic with everyone's angels written on it :)

Going to do something else for them but they don't know this yet so "shhhhh"

If you are interested in learning more about Infant & Pregnancy Loss, please check out www.october15th.com

If you are interested in having something made for your angel then please find me on facebook:
www.facebook.com/Daisy.Chain.Dezign

Gentle Hugs & Floaty Kisses To All Our Angels

No Matter How Big Or How Small!
Never Forgotten

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My Heart Aches..

All I can feel is jealousy...

I am jealous that many people (including my sister) are pregnant, and not me :( it seriously sucks..
Don't get me wrong, I love my sister, but her and my mum seem to be getting this bond and doing things together and what not, and I don't have that kind of relationship with my mum anymore..
Really makes me sad because all these things I am doing with my sister now, I should had done with my mum and sister back then - instead of being in and out of hospital.

Really want to do something about this, but since having that Colposcopy & Treatment for the last 3 months since I have been bleeding on and off - not to mention I wasn't allowed to have sex for the last 3 months lol
But I am also concerned now because I was also warned that I would be at risk of pre-term labour because of the procedure I had.. Not to mention that I have 1 tube left so sitting here thinking is it worth putting my life at risk makes it that little bit harder - and scarier

I'd give anything to have my own baby, my own child, but at the fear of risking my own life to go through it all again I am not sure is worth it.
Have seen and read so many people's success stories of how they managed to conceive again after having 1 tube, some stories not so good!
Really wish I could have a baby, and have all these amazing experiences.. Maybe one day I might get my wish :)

Follow Up To My Tattoo...

I last posted a year ago about my Tattoo that I had done in memory of my angel, except for some unknown reason, I never actually shared it with any of you on here.

So this is my blog post to do just that.

As you will have known from my blog in May 2011, I had a tattoo done on my birthday, originally I was going down there to sort out the design I had made and emailed over to them to see what they could do for me.. When they showed me the design I had spent hours drawing on my pc - I realised I hated it and it was far to big for what I wanted..

After talking to the guys at the Tattoo Place, I then realised I wanted just 1 star, and in the middle I would have the letter B {I named my Angel Billie, because I hate using 'Ectopic' too much}.

The star was just the right size to fit where I wanted it too as well which was good.. So it's not too big, not too bright and it can easily be hidden {if I need too} and I can often sit and look at it too when I feel like I need too - often enough I sit and look an stare at it and run my fingers over it through the middle.

My Original Tattoo Design I Drew On My Laptop:

My First Tattoo Design by ~samanthaellen on deviantART

My Tattoo When I First Got It Done:

My Tattoo First Done 2 by ~samanthaellen on deviantART

My Tattoo 5 Months After Having It Done:

My Tattoo 21.08.11 by ~samanthaellen on deviantART

I am really hoping that I can get another one soon, this time in memory of My Nan, or even My Sister, but for now I am not sure what I wanna do, or what I want done.

I've done plenty of designs, which reminds me!

If you would like a tattoo, and don't know what you would like done or have an idea and want it designed? Then please let me know. You can Facebook Me Here.. DaisyChain Dezign is my graphics page, but I can do designs on it!!

I Can't Help, But Wonder..

All I can think of is the

' What Ifs '

Its weird, I mean, if everything was normal, Billie would be turning 2 in under 2 months.. I can't help but think about how things would be like, how different my life would be and thinking about how happy I could be.
Especially since now, that my sister is pregnant and due next year!
Maybe that's what is making me think, I admit, a part of me is jealous but I am happy for my sister especially after everything she has been through herself in the past..

I love my sister dearly and I am very happy that she is going to make me an Aunty =)

Finally..

So, today I got the results of my Biopsy back..

I got told that my result was CIN:2 which is Moderate Cell Change, and they are happy with the result, that I do not have to go back now till January 2013 - which would be 6 months since my treatment!

Took their time, but at least I got some Good News for a change!

Chinese Gender Chart..

So, I found out that my Sister is due to have her 20 week scan September 7th, and she will also {hopefully} get to know the baby's sex!! =D

I am so excited to learn if I am having a Niece or Nephew - obviously, I am happy with either!
But I was trying to find out various ways to which you could find out the sex of the baby, and one of which is a Chinese Gender Chart.. So I tried it, and it claims that my sister will have a boy - Clearly, this is 50% accurate but it is also for fun too!

So, me being me, decided to try it out on myself, and well, out of 6 different charts, 4 of them said Girl 2 said Boy!
So, after seeing this result I am wondering IF it is worth to class Billie as a Girl or a Boy.. Or do I continue with an 'unknown' Angel?

It's Been 2 Weeks Since My Procedure..

It has now been 2 weeks since I had my procedure at the hospital for my abnormal smear, and the last couple of days I have been fretting and worrying about the outcome.
When I left the hospital I was told I could receive the results within 3-4 weeks, and next week will be the 3rd week since I left, and I am hoping that I will get them next week or a few days after instead of having to wait longer.. I would ideally like to know the results now..

As stupid as this sounds, I have been thinking long and hard about it all, and I have decided that I am going to prepare myself for the worst, I cannot really get my hopes up and find there is a chance of bad news.. This way I am able to keep my head up, and be able to deal with the result, whatever it is..

I have been looking after myself as much as I can, but I will be glad when its all over properly and I am able to at least go back to normal (whatever that is)
Mainly though, I just wish I knew something instead of nothing.. Thats the worst part of it all.

Still, least I've done 2 weeks - 2 weeks to go, right!?

I Am Going To Be An Aunty..

I wasn't sure if I was going to post this on here, but I wanted to let you all know that I am going to be an Aunty!

I've known for the last 4-6 weeks and it has been really hard to not talk about it or even mention it because my sister didn't really want anyone to know - yet!
But she let me know this morning that she is 12 weeks, baby is perfect and healthy and she is due 27th January 2013.

I am so proud of my sister and her partner.. and cannot wait till I see the scans of my Niece/Nephew!!

What a week..

I had an hospital appointment on the Tuesday (3rd July) because I had an abnormal smear result come back end of May..
Being in the Gyny block which is now where the Mother & Baby Block is, felt so uncomfortable.. Especially since they've now moved the EPU (Early Pregnancy Unit) which is where I spent a lot of my time when I had my Ectopic.
Seeing all the ladies with beautiful bumps, big and small made me feel empty and sad.. I couldn't help but think:
When is it MY turn..??
I wonder if I looked liked that..??
If Billie was in the right place, would I have a nice bump..??
It kind of bought so many memories of sitting patiently waiting for my scan, and then waiting to see a doctor about the scans, and then seeing all these happy people come out from the scanning room with their images of their babies... It was just very overwhelming.

Even through the Colposcopy I had to check my cervix was heart breaking.. Very scary I had to go in by myself.. Came out of it sore and miserable.. And also came out with an appointment to go back to have a pre-op and to be put under a general anaesthetic because I couldn't have the treatment done that day.
I went away feeling weird, worried and confused.. Had some lunch with my brother but I wasn't in the right frame of mind for anything so I was pretty quiet..

Had a phone call Wednesday to be told that they want me to go in Thursday.. So I agreed.. Without even thinking about it.
I still feel a little guilty as I promised my friend I would babysit my Godson whilst she took her daughter to meet her new class when she goes to school in September.. And I am little upset because I haven't even heard from her.. Nor have I seen her in almost 2 months now.

I had the general anaesthetic anyway, took them about 4-5 hours before I went down, I got there at 7:30am and I went down around 11:30am to 12pm.. It was frustrating waiting.. But I did it..
The only thing that hurt me, was that day one of the Anaesthetic doctors was going through my notes in front of me, and at the back of my notes were these scans from my ectopic.. And my heart broke.. It shocked me a little and I upset my mum because I got upset as I saw my scans! That was a weird feeling, it was that bad that I ended up drifting off into my own little world slightly before coming back to 'reality'.
Not to mention, seeing the images of my Cervix that was taken 2 days before during the Colposcopy..

Before I went down I was in a little state of panic for a little while.. The nurse was really nice and the Aneathetist was HOT!!! I was so embarrassed that I started crying before they put me to sleep.. I remember the feeling of the tears falling down my face, and the gentle sound of the Aneathetist saying to me "Good Night, Sweet Dreamings".
During the procedure, I lost 500ml of blood (some how) and woke up to a 'block' and a catheter shoved inside me.. Which was very worrying.. I remember waking up and saying I need a wee.. And being told to not worry because I had a catheter - CONFUSED!!!
But thinking about it now, I think they did that because they didn't want me to get my 'block' wet, as I think the block they put in place was to help bring my vagina back down to normal size slowly and help ease the pain a little??
But when it came to having that block removed was very worrying.. It felt like something was being sucked out of me =O
I am ok now, it hurts in places and at stages.. But I have pain killers to take when I feel I need them, and I have taken 2 paracetamol today and thats it, considering I didn't take anything yesterday that is..

All thats left for me to do now is to wait and see what my results bring in about 3-4 weeks time.

Thank You..

I signed in today because I felt like writing something small, which I will do after this blog post, no doubt.
But I stopped in my tracks because I was baffled with how many page view's I've had since I set this blog up a little over 2 years ago to share my story and thoughts and feelings, and perhaps any follow up's from having my Ectopic Pregnancy, which I named Billie at the time.

From now on, I would like to point out that I will no longer be using "My Ectopic" or "Ectopic Pregnancy" I will now use Billie, because that's what His/Her name Is.. Although they're not nor will they will be a person.. But I feel more comfortable referring to them as a person, than a "thing"
I know a lot of people do not agree with naming their Angel's or even agree with me for saying I have an Angel as a lot of people out there disagree, and claim that I didn't have a baby growing in my tube, but it was all chemical, meaning there was NOTHING there...
Well, for those people, I would like to point out this in the case is NOT true.
If anyone has done any research or learnt about it would know by now that an Ectopic Pregnancy is where the Baby/Foetus/Embryo grows outside of the womb/uterus..
Where a normal pregnancy means that a baby grows in the womb, the baby then grows elsewhere..

But with that aside, I am wondering why so many people have checked out my blog when I thought no one knew about this.
Admittedly, I have received the odd one or two comment's over the 2 years but never really thought any one took the time out to read my page or even look at it.
I would love to be able to help someone, and talk to people about their experience, if they feel the need too, I am not one to pry.
Basically, what I think I am wanting to say is thank you to all of you for taking the time out to look at my page.

I really am hoping to update this page with a positive result, saying that I too am one of those ladies whom have had an Ectopic Pregnancy loss, to go on to have a baby of my own some day..
For the time being, I am not getting my hope's up because that will only make things complicated and will result into hurting myself when I get my hopes up about wanting to have a baby, and then getting hurt when I come on my af.

So until the time comes, I will just update the page when I can, and share any news when I receive it.

It Still Hurts..

It's been well over 2 years now, and even the thought of or talking about having this Ectopic kills me, and breaks my heart all over again.
Yesterday (21st May 2012) I had to have a Cervical Screening Test as I am now 25, and I was talking to the nurse about it all and I even started to cry..
The thought of being pregnant scares me... YES, but this is mainly because I have the one tube left now and knowing that it could happen again does worry me, as it COULD be the last time I'd ever get to be able to conceive..

I still don't even know what could happen after all of this because no one really explained anything to me when it happened, I was stuck on a ward with 3 elderly ladies, and one youngish woman who left the day after I went in.. No one came to talk to me, I felt like I was left to deal with it all.

Really wish that there was a way they could save an Ectopic Pregnancy by moving the baby from the tube etc. into the womb where it's safe!
But I guess thats just something to continue to think and wonder about, perhaps....

I've not posted in a while..

As you can see, I've not written to any of my blogs in a while, this is mainly because like many things, I often loose interest in things, and one of them had been writing to my blogs..
I often do it a lot with any of my writing I try to keep in my notebooks, but again that was something I lost interest in..

I am going to try and write a little more to this blog and my other's too because I have been finding things difficult again at the moment.. Keep wondering what things would've been like, and even watching films with people getting pregnant, having babies upsets me because I am never going to get to feel the same way they did..
The film 9 Months upset me a little.. I know it's only a film, but seeing how happy they are and all the excitement of seeing your baby at the end of it.. I never got that!
All I got was false hopes, and a broken heart.

It's been over 2 years now, and I still feel empty and broken inside, I cannot talk about this with anyone because not many people understand, nor do many people ACTUALLY know what I went through and am going through..
This is mainly because a lot of other people disagree with what I went through, by saying I didn't loose a baby, there was nothing in my tubes etc.

But if that was the case then
WHY did I have a positive pregnancy test
WHY did my tube rupture if nothing was growing inside it
WHY did I endure all this heartache and pain..

But then I guess the people whom haven't lost a baby do not understand or know what it feels like and what goes through your mind when you first see that faint positive result in your home pregnancy test, take another a few days later, and another faint positive, and then another.. With high hopes you go to the doctor with your findings..
Even though it's early stages, you have high hopes for the future and although there is the danger of miscarrying or having an Ectopic, you still start to think about how things are going to change over the 9 months.. Everyone does it!!

I dunno.. Sometimes I  wonder if people are right in what they say about me and to me about what I went through....