Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Week 9th-15th October

As many of you may know, this week is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness week..

I've got a page up on facebook to which I make graphics through, which you can find here.. DaisyChain Dezign.. I've been playing around with Paint Shop Pro now for 7 years! I am not very good, but there are some things I am good AT - but I am currently learning new things and some of the things I am learning I am using with my graphics at the moment! :)

With my graphics page, at the moment I am currently offering Pregnancy & Infant Loss graphics, I have a Breast Cancer Awareness one, but no one seems interested in that one!

So if you are following my blog and and you see this post you can stop by, join my page and request for yourself..

Here are a couple of offers that I have available on my page at the moment:

Images Are Linked To My Graphics Page!!

Template Was Made By Designs Of Lost Words Blog - Can Be Found On Facebook.

These offers are open until 14th October!

I have had many graphics made for me for my Angel that I named Billie over the last year, and to display all of these that friends have made I have had to set up a private group on facebook - this is because people really can be so cruel and because people don't like seeing my graphics or me talking about my angel on facebook regardless of it being MY PAGE - but to keep people happy I just don't talk to people about it anymore.

Even though Billie, WAS an Ectopic Pregnancy that ruptured - HE/SHE is still an Angel and mean a lot to me regardless of what other people think!!

Since I lost, Billie, I have had pictures of their name taken with a gorgeous Candle that my friend has done since 2010 without fail.

Last year (2011) I tried to do something similar but I didn't really do a good job with that lol

I was going to try and do it again this year but changed my mind and opted to do something a little more special instead, a group graphic with everyone's angels written on it :)

Going to do something else for them but they don't know this yet so "shhhhh"

If you are interested in learning more about Infant & Pregnancy Loss, please check out www.october15th.com

If you are interested in having something made for your angel then please find me on facebook:
www.facebook.com/Daisy.Chain.Dezign

Gentle Hugs & Floaty Kisses To All Our Angels

No Matter How Big Or How Small!
Never Forgotten

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My Heart Aches..

All I can feel is jealousy...

I am jealous that many people (including my sister) are pregnant, and not me :( it seriously sucks..
Don't get me wrong, I love my sister, but her and my mum seem to be getting this bond and doing things together and what not, and I don't have that kind of relationship with my mum anymore..
Really makes me sad because all these things I am doing with my sister now, I should had done with my mum and sister back then - instead of being in and out of hospital.

Really want to do something about this, but since having that Colposcopy & Treatment for the last 3 months since I have been bleeding on and off - not to mention I wasn't allowed to have sex for the last 3 months lol
But I am also concerned now because I was also warned that I would be at risk of pre-term labour because of the procedure I had.. Not to mention that I have 1 tube left so sitting here thinking is it worth putting my life at risk makes it that little bit harder - and scarier

I'd give anything to have my own baby, my own child, but at the fear of risking my own life to go through it all again I am not sure is worth it.
Have seen and read so many people's success stories of how they managed to conceive again after having 1 tube, some stories not so good!
Really wish I could have a baby, and have all these amazing experiences.. Maybe one day I might get my wish :)

Follow Up To My Tattoo...

I last posted a year ago about my Tattoo that I had done in memory of my angel, except for some unknown reason, I never actually shared it with any of you on here.

So this is my blog post to do just that.

As you will have known from my blog in May 2011, I had a tattoo done on my birthday, originally I was going down there to sort out the design I had made and emailed over to them to see what they could do for me.. When they showed me the design I had spent hours drawing on my pc - I realised I hated it and it was far to big for what I wanted..

After talking to the guys at the Tattoo Place, I then realised I wanted just 1 star, and in the middle I would have the letter B {I named my Angel Billie, because I hate using 'Ectopic' too much}.

The star was just the right size to fit where I wanted it too as well which was good.. So it's not too big, not too bright and it can easily be hidden {if I need too} and I can often sit and look at it too when I feel like I need too - often enough I sit and look an stare at it and run my fingers over it through the middle.

My Original Tattoo Design I Drew On My Laptop:

My First Tattoo Design by ~samanthaellen on deviantART

My Tattoo When I First Got It Done:

My Tattoo First Done 2 by ~samanthaellen on deviantART

My Tattoo 5 Months After Having It Done:

My Tattoo 21.08.11 by ~samanthaellen on deviantART

I am really hoping that I can get another one soon, this time in memory of My Nan, or even My Sister, but for now I am not sure what I wanna do, or what I want done.

I've done plenty of designs, which reminds me!

If you would like a tattoo, and don't know what you would like done or have an idea and want it designed? Then please let me know. You can Facebook Me Here.. DaisyChain Dezign is my graphics page, but I can do designs on it!!

I Can't Help, But Wonder..

All I can think of is the

' What Ifs '

Its weird, I mean, if everything was normal, Billie would be turning 2 in under 2 months.. I can't help but think about how things would be like, how different my life would be and thinking about how happy I could be.
Especially since now, that my sister is pregnant and due next year!
Maybe that's what is making me think, I admit, a part of me is jealous but I am happy for my sister especially after everything she has been through herself in the past..

I love my sister dearly and I am very happy that she is going to make me an Aunty =)

Finally..

So, today I got the results of my Biopsy back..

I got told that my result was CIN:2 which is Moderate Cell Change, and they are happy with the result, that I do not have to go back now till January 2013 - which would be 6 months since my treatment!

Took their time, but at least I got some Good News for a change!

Chinese Gender Chart..

So, I found out that my Sister is due to have her 20 week scan September 7th, and she will also {hopefully} get to know the baby's sex!! =D

I am so excited to learn if I am having a Niece or Nephew - obviously, I am happy with either!
But I was trying to find out various ways to which you could find out the sex of the baby, and one of which is a Chinese Gender Chart.. So I tried it, and it claims that my sister will have a boy - Clearly, this is 50% accurate but it is also for fun too!

So, me being me, decided to try it out on myself, and well, out of 6 different charts, 4 of them said Girl 2 said Boy!
So, after seeing this result I am wondering IF it is worth to class Billie as a Girl or a Boy.. Or do I continue with an 'unknown' Angel?

It's Been 2 Weeks Since My Procedure..

It has now been 2 weeks since I had my procedure at the hospital for my abnormal smear, and the last couple of days I have been fretting and worrying about the outcome.
When I left the hospital I was told I could receive the results within 3-4 weeks, and next week will be the 3rd week since I left, and I am hoping that I will get them next week or a few days after instead of having to wait longer.. I would ideally like to know the results now..

As stupid as this sounds, I have been thinking long and hard about it all, and I have decided that I am going to prepare myself for the worst, I cannot really get my hopes up and find there is a chance of bad news.. This way I am able to keep my head up, and be able to deal with the result, whatever it is..

I have been looking after myself as much as I can, but I will be glad when its all over properly and I am able to at least go back to normal (whatever that is)
Mainly though, I just wish I knew something instead of nothing.. Thats the worst part of it all.

Still, least I've done 2 weeks - 2 weeks to go, right!?

I Am Going To Be An Aunty..

I wasn't sure if I was going to post this on here, but I wanted to let you all know that I am going to be an Aunty!

I've known for the last 4-6 weeks and it has been really hard to not talk about it or even mention it because my sister didn't really want anyone to know - yet!
But she let me know this morning that she is 12 weeks, baby is perfect and healthy and she is due 27th January 2013.

I am so proud of my sister and her partner.. and cannot wait till I see the scans of my Niece/Nephew!!

What a week..

I had an hospital appointment on the Tuesday (3rd July) because I had an abnormal smear result come back end of May..
Being in the Gyny block which is now where the Mother & Baby Block is, felt so uncomfortable.. Especially since they've now moved the EPU (Early Pregnancy Unit) which is where I spent a lot of my time when I had my Ectopic.
Seeing all the ladies with beautiful bumps, big and small made me feel empty and sad.. I couldn't help but think:
When is it MY turn..??
I wonder if I looked liked that..??
If Billie was in the right place, would I have a nice bump..??
It kind of bought so many memories of sitting patiently waiting for my scan, and then waiting to see a doctor about the scans, and then seeing all these happy people come out from the scanning room with their images of their babies... It was just very overwhelming.

Even through the Colposcopy I had to check my cervix was heart breaking.. Very scary I had to go in by myself.. Came out of it sore and miserable.. And also came out with an appointment to go back to have a pre-op and to be put under a general anaesthetic because I couldn't have the treatment done that day.
I went away feeling weird, worried and confused.. Had some lunch with my brother but I wasn't in the right frame of mind for anything so I was pretty quiet..

Had a phone call Wednesday to be told that they want me to go in Thursday.. So I agreed.. Without even thinking about it.
I still feel a little guilty as I promised my friend I would babysit my Godson whilst she took her daughter to meet her new class when she goes to school in September.. And I am little upset because I haven't even heard from her.. Nor have I seen her in almost 2 months now.

I had the general anaesthetic anyway, took them about 4-5 hours before I went down, I got there at 7:30am and I went down around 11:30am to 12pm.. It was frustrating waiting.. But I did it..
The only thing that hurt me, was that day one of the Anaesthetic doctors was going through my notes in front of me, and at the back of my notes were these scans from my ectopic.. And my heart broke.. It shocked me a little and I upset my mum because I got upset as I saw my scans! That was a weird feeling, it was that bad that I ended up drifting off into my own little world slightly before coming back to 'reality'.
Not to mention, seeing the images of my Cervix that was taken 2 days before during the Colposcopy..

Before I went down I was in a little state of panic for a little while.. The nurse was really nice and the Aneathetist was HOT!!! I was so embarrassed that I started crying before they put me to sleep.. I remember the feeling of the tears falling down my face, and the gentle sound of the Aneathetist saying to me "Good Night, Sweet Dreamings".
During the procedure, I lost 500ml of blood (some how) and woke up to a 'block' and a catheter shoved inside me.. Which was very worrying.. I remember waking up and saying I need a wee.. And being told to not worry because I had a catheter - CONFUSED!!!
But thinking about it now, I think they did that because they didn't want me to get my 'block' wet, as I think the block they put in place was to help bring my vagina back down to normal size slowly and help ease the pain a little??
But when it came to having that block removed was very worrying.. It felt like something was being sucked out of me =O
I am ok now, it hurts in places and at stages.. But I have pain killers to take when I feel I need them, and I have taken 2 paracetamol today and thats it, considering I didn't take anything yesterday that is..

All thats left for me to do now is to wait and see what my results bring in about 3-4 weeks time.

Thank You..

I signed in today because I felt like writing something small, which I will do after this blog post, no doubt.
But I stopped in my tracks because I was baffled with how many page view's I've had since I set this blog up a little over 2 years ago to share my story and thoughts and feelings, and perhaps any follow up's from having my Ectopic Pregnancy, which I named Billie at the time.

From now on, I would like to point out that I will no longer be using "My Ectopic" or "Ectopic Pregnancy" I will now use Billie, because that's what His/Her name Is.. Although they're not nor will they will be a person.. But I feel more comfortable referring to them as a person, than a "thing"
I know a lot of people do not agree with naming their Angel's or even agree with me for saying I have an Angel as a lot of people out there disagree, and claim that I didn't have a baby growing in my tube, but it was all chemical, meaning there was NOTHING there...
Well, for those people, I would like to point out this in the case is NOT true.
If anyone has done any research or learnt about it would know by now that an Ectopic Pregnancy is where the Baby/Foetus/Embryo grows outside of the womb/uterus..
Where a normal pregnancy means that a baby grows in the womb, the baby then grows elsewhere..

But with that aside, I am wondering why so many people have checked out my blog when I thought no one knew about this.
Admittedly, I have received the odd one or two comment's over the 2 years but never really thought any one took the time out to read my page or even look at it.
I would love to be able to help someone, and talk to people about their experience, if they feel the need too, I am not one to pry.
Basically, what I think I am wanting to say is thank you to all of you for taking the time out to look at my page.

I really am hoping to update this page with a positive result, saying that I too am one of those ladies whom have had an Ectopic Pregnancy loss, to go on to have a baby of my own some day..
For the time being, I am not getting my hope's up because that will only make things complicated and will result into hurting myself when I get my hopes up about wanting to have a baby, and then getting hurt when I come on my af.

So until the time comes, I will just update the page when I can, and share any news when I receive it.

It Still Hurts..

It's been well over 2 years now, and even the thought of or talking about having this Ectopic kills me, and breaks my heart all over again.
Yesterday (21st May 2012) I had to have a Cervical Screening Test as I am now 25, and I was talking to the nurse about it all and I even started to cry..
The thought of being pregnant scares me... YES, but this is mainly because I have the one tube left now and knowing that it could happen again does worry me, as it COULD be the last time I'd ever get to be able to conceive..

I still don't even know what could happen after all of this because no one really explained anything to me when it happened, I was stuck on a ward with 3 elderly ladies, and one youngish woman who left the day after I went in.. No one came to talk to me, I felt like I was left to deal with it all.

Really wish that there was a way they could save an Ectopic Pregnancy by moving the baby from the tube etc. into the womb where it's safe!
But I guess thats just something to continue to think and wonder about, perhaps....

I've not posted in a while..

As you can see, I've not written to any of my blogs in a while, this is mainly because like many things, I often loose interest in things, and one of them had been writing to my blogs..
I often do it a lot with any of my writing I try to keep in my notebooks, but again that was something I lost interest in..

I am going to try and write a little more to this blog and my other's too because I have been finding things difficult again at the moment.. Keep wondering what things would've been like, and even watching films with people getting pregnant, having babies upsets me because I am never going to get to feel the same way they did..
The film 9 Months upset me a little.. I know it's only a film, but seeing how happy they are and all the excitement of seeing your baby at the end of it.. I never got that!
All I got was false hopes, and a broken heart.

It's been over 2 years now, and I still feel empty and broken inside, I cannot talk about this with anyone because not many people understand, nor do many people ACTUALLY know what I went through and am going through..
This is mainly because a lot of other people disagree with what I went through, by saying I didn't loose a baby, there was nothing in my tubes etc.

But if that was the case then
WHY did I have a positive pregnancy test
WHY did my tube rupture if nothing was growing inside it
WHY did I endure all this heartache and pain..

But then I guess the people whom haven't lost a baby do not understand or know what it feels like and what goes through your mind when you first see that faint positive result in your home pregnancy test, take another a few days later, and another faint positive, and then another.. With high hopes you go to the doctor with your findings..
Even though it's early stages, you have high hopes for the future and although there is the danger of miscarrying or having an Ectopic, you still start to think about how things are going to change over the 9 months.. Everyone does it!!

I dunno.. Sometimes I  wonder if people are right in what they say about me and to me about what I went through....

Just A Little Something I Thought Up Earlier...

Just because you cannot see me

Doesnt mean i am not here

For i am in spirit

Which means i'll always be near.

I wish i could had met you, my mum, my dad

But God called me home

I was torn between the two

However in God's garden i was free to roam.

My wings, they grew instantly

And before i knew it i was floating high

Out of my body, including your tummy

I am gliding through the sky.

Here i will sit and stay and watch

To make sure you know it's true

I will be happy up here you see

I am an Angel and i'll watch over you.

Copyright!!

19th June 2011

My Tattoo..

WooHoo

I have finally decided what tattoo i have picked to remember my ectopic, including other failed pregnancies through miscarriage.
I felt a set of angel wings, was "original" as most people have them, admittedly i wanted to add to it, but i didnt exactly know what, but to have them on their own wasnt what i wanted, in the end.
I then felt that stars would be the same, original and most people have them.. and that doesnt mean much in some sense.
Rainbows again are kind of common, but i havent really seen many, even in memorium..

Still, i designed what I want and i feel means something, to me!
Have emailed it over to the tattoo parlour, but wont be going down until friday 13th, my birthday, to hopefully book it in.
Am nervous about getting one as i have never had one before and i really liked the idea of having something personal to me to remember it and something that is also with me, for life.

I have a question...

Am I Mental For Wanting To Vent My Anger And Feelings And Thoughts On To Paper, Well Notebooks???

As you may know, I have Borderline Personality Disorder or at least some kind of Personality Disorder, Depression, Anxiety problems and slight Agoraphobia..

And I myself struggle talking and expressing my feelings "normally" but i feel that me writing helps myself without others knowing exactly what has been written..

I am in a bad place right now, I am going through a masses amount of problems and stress, and i cant cope with everything right now, and i felt at the time it was easier for me to write out on paper exactly how i am feeling.

But now, i am being told im mental and not normal for wanting to keep notebooks of stuff i write, i never re read anything i just write it and close the book and go back and write some more then close it etc. i have never re readen anything i wrote.

Apart from once, when i went through some old notepad files on the pc and i read some poems i had written years ago and it broke my heart, i guess i never really knew or understood exactly how i was feeling myself, and seeing that the feels have hardly changed was just awful.

I should really sort out my problems, but i have no patience for meds to work again, and really considering putting myself into a mental hospital or something just to keep me safe,

But if i did this, who is to say i can take the things that really mean to me like my cat for starters i couldnt leave him he needs me around, and loves my company!

no one texts me much anymore so hardly anyone is going to miss my texts/calls... i just really dont know what else i can do now, and after all the words that have been said, i just dont think its fair..

I was reminded of how this girl, has a life, has her baby etc. etc. etc. it just killed me.

I know it is nothing to do with you whom read this but i needed to get that off my chest! so i am sorry, but i am allowed to have feelings, arent i??