It's Been 2 Weeks Since My Procedure..

It has now been 2 weeks since I had my procedure at the hospital for my abnormal smear, and the last couple of days I have been fretting and worrying about the outcome.
When I left the hospital I was told I could receive the results within 3-4 weeks, and next week will be the 3rd week since I left, and I am hoping that I will get them next week or a few days after instead of having to wait longer.. I would ideally like to know the results now..

As stupid as this sounds, I have been thinking long and hard about it all, and I have decided that I am going to prepare myself for the worst, I cannot really get my hopes up and find there is a chance of bad news.. This way I am able to keep my head up, and be able to deal with the result, whatever it is..

I have been looking after myself as much as I can, but I will be glad when its all over properly and I am able to at least go back to normal (whatever that is)
Mainly though, I just wish I knew something instead of nothing.. Thats the worst part of it all.

Still, least I've done 2 weeks - 2 weeks to go, right!?

I Am Going To Be An Aunty..

I wasn't sure if I was going to post this on here, but I wanted to let you all know that I am going to be an Aunty!

I've known for the last 4-6 weeks and it has been really hard to not talk about it or even mention it because my sister didn't really want anyone to know - yet!
But she let me know this morning that she is 12 weeks, baby is perfect and healthy and she is due 27th January 2013.

I am so proud of my sister and her partner.. and cannot wait till I see the scans of my Niece/Nephew!!

What a week..

I had an hospital appointment on the Tuesday (3rd July) because I had an abnormal smear result come back end of May..
Being in the Gyny block which is now where the Mother & Baby Block is, felt so uncomfortable.. Especially since they've now moved the EPU (Early Pregnancy Unit) which is where I spent a lot of my time when I had my Ectopic.
Seeing all the ladies with beautiful bumps, big and small made me feel empty and sad.. I couldn't help but think:
When is it MY turn..??
I wonder if I looked liked that..??
If Billie was in the right place, would I have a nice bump..??
It kind of bought so many memories of sitting patiently waiting for my scan, and then waiting to see a doctor about the scans, and then seeing all these happy people come out from the scanning room with their images of their babies... It was just very overwhelming.

Even through the Colposcopy I had to check my cervix was heart breaking.. Very scary I had to go in by myself.. Came out of it sore and miserable.. And also came out with an appointment to go back to have a pre-op and to be put under a general anaesthetic because I couldn't have the treatment done that day.
I went away feeling weird, worried and confused.. Had some lunch with my brother but I wasn't in the right frame of mind for anything so I was pretty quiet..

Had a phone call Wednesday to be told that they want me to go in Thursday.. So I agreed.. Without even thinking about it.
I still feel a little guilty as I promised my friend I would babysit my Godson whilst she took her daughter to meet her new class when she goes to school in September.. And I am little upset because I haven't even heard from her.. Nor have I seen her in almost 2 months now.

I had the general anaesthetic anyway, took them about 4-5 hours before I went down, I got there at 7:30am and I went down around 11:30am to 12pm.. It was frustrating waiting.. But I did it..
The only thing that hurt me, was that day one of the Anaesthetic doctors was going through my notes in front of me, and at the back of my notes were these scans from my ectopic.. And my heart broke.. It shocked me a little and I upset my mum because I got upset as I saw my scans! That was a weird feeling, it was that bad that I ended up drifting off into my own little world slightly before coming back to 'reality'.
Not to mention, seeing the images of my Cervix that was taken 2 days before during the Colposcopy..

Before I went down I was in a little state of panic for a little while.. The nurse was really nice and the Aneathetist was HOT!!! I was so embarrassed that I started crying before they put me to sleep.. I remember the feeling of the tears falling down my face, and the gentle sound of the Aneathetist saying to me "Good Night, Sweet Dreamings".
During the procedure, I lost 500ml of blood (some how) and woke up to a 'block' and a catheter shoved inside me.. Which was very worrying.. I remember waking up and saying I need a wee.. And being told to not worry because I had a catheter - CONFUSED!!!
But thinking about it now, I think they did that because they didn't want me to get my 'block' wet, as I think the block they put in place was to help bring my vagina back down to normal size slowly and help ease the pain a little??
But when it came to having that block removed was very worrying.. It felt like something was being sucked out of me =O
I am ok now, it hurts in places and at stages.. But I have pain killers to take when I feel I need them, and I have taken 2 paracetamol today and thats it, considering I didn't take anything yesterday that is..

All thats left for me to do now is to wait and see what my results bring in about 3-4 weeks time.

Thank You..

I signed in today because I felt like writing something small, which I will do after this blog post, no doubt.
But I stopped in my tracks because I was baffled with how many page view's I've had since I set this blog up a little over 2 years ago to share my story and thoughts and feelings, and perhaps any follow up's from having my Ectopic Pregnancy, which I named Billie at the time.

From now on, I would like to point out that I will no longer be using "My Ectopic" or "Ectopic Pregnancy" I will now use Billie, because that's what His/Her name Is.. Although they're not nor will they will be a person.. But I feel more comfortable referring to them as a person, than a "thing"
I know a lot of people do not agree with naming their Angel's or even agree with me for saying I have an Angel as a lot of people out there disagree, and claim that I didn't have a baby growing in my tube, but it was all chemical, meaning there was NOTHING there...
Well, for those people, I would like to point out this in the case is NOT true.
If anyone has done any research or learnt about it would know by now that an Ectopic Pregnancy is where the Baby/Foetus/Embryo grows outside of the womb/uterus..
Where a normal pregnancy means that a baby grows in the womb, the baby then grows elsewhere..

But with that aside, I am wondering why so many people have checked out my blog when I thought no one knew about this.
Admittedly, I have received the odd one or two comment's over the 2 years but never really thought any one took the time out to read my page or even look at it.
I would love to be able to help someone, and talk to people about their experience, if they feel the need too, I am not one to pry.
Basically, what I think I am wanting to say is thank you to all of you for taking the time out to look at my page.

I really am hoping to update this page with a positive result, saying that I too am one of those ladies whom have had an Ectopic Pregnancy loss, to go on to have a baby of my own some day..
For the time being, I am not getting my hope's up because that will only make things complicated and will result into hurting myself when I get my hopes up about wanting to have a baby, and then getting hurt when I come on my af.

So until the time comes, I will just update the page when I can, and share any news when I receive it.

It Still Hurts..

It's been well over 2 years now, and even the thought of or talking about having this Ectopic kills me, and breaks my heart all over again.
Yesterday (21st May 2012) I had to have a Cervical Screening Test as I am now 25, and I was talking to the nurse about it all and I even started to cry..
The thought of being pregnant scares me... YES, but this is mainly because I have the one tube left now and knowing that it could happen again does worry me, as it COULD be the last time I'd ever get to be able to conceive..

I still don't even know what could happen after all of this because no one really explained anything to me when it happened, I was stuck on a ward with 3 elderly ladies, and one youngish woman who left the day after I went in.. No one came to talk to me, I felt like I was left to deal with it all.

Really wish that there was a way they could save an Ectopic Pregnancy by moving the baby from the tube etc. into the womb where it's safe!
But I guess thats just something to continue to think and wonder about, perhaps....

I've not posted in a while..

As you can see, I've not written to any of my blogs in a while, this is mainly because like many things, I often loose interest in things, and one of them had been writing to my blogs..
I often do it a lot with any of my writing I try to keep in my notebooks, but again that was something I lost interest in..

I am going to try and write a little more to this blog and my other's too because I have been finding things difficult again at the moment.. Keep wondering what things would've been like, and even watching films with people getting pregnant, having babies upsets me because I am never going to get to feel the same way they did..
The film 9 Months upset me a little.. I know it's only a film, but seeing how happy they are and all the excitement of seeing your baby at the end of it.. I never got that!
All I got was false hopes, and a broken heart.

It's been over 2 years now, and I still feel empty and broken inside, I cannot talk about this with anyone because not many people understand, nor do many people ACTUALLY know what I went through and am going through..
This is mainly because a lot of other people disagree with what I went through, by saying I didn't loose a baby, there was nothing in my tubes etc.

But if that was the case then
WHY did I have a positive pregnancy test
WHY did my tube rupture if nothing was growing inside it
WHY did I endure all this heartache and pain..

But then I guess the people whom haven't lost a baby do not understand or know what it feels like and what goes through your mind when you first see that faint positive result in your home pregnancy test, take another a few days later, and another faint positive, and then another.. With high hopes you go to the doctor with your findings..
Even though it's early stages, you have high hopes for the future and although there is the danger of miscarrying or having an Ectopic, you still start to think about how things are going to change over the 9 months.. Everyone does it!!

I dunno.. Sometimes I  wonder if people are right in what they say about me and to me about what I went through....

Just A Little Something I Thought Up Earlier...

Just because you cannot see me

Doesnt mean i am not here

For i am in spirit

Which means i'll always be near.

I wish i could had met you, my mum, my dad

But God called me home

I was torn between the two

However in God's garden i was free to roam.

My wings, they grew instantly

And before i knew it i was floating high

Out of my body, including your tummy

I am gliding through the sky.

Here i will sit and stay and watch

To make sure you know it's true

I will be happy up here you see

I am an Angel and i'll watch over you.

Copyright!!

19th June 2011

My Tattoo..

WooHoo

I have finally decided what tattoo i have picked to remember my ectopic, including other failed pregnancies through miscarriage.
I felt a set of angel wings, was "original" as most people have them, admittedly i wanted to add to it, but i didnt exactly know what, but to have them on their own wasnt what i wanted, in the end.
I then felt that stars would be the same, original and most people have them.. and that doesnt mean much in some sense.
Rainbows again are kind of common, but i havent really seen many, even in memorium..

Still, i designed what I want and i feel means something, to me!
Have emailed it over to the tattoo parlour, but wont be going down until friday 13th, my birthday, to hopefully book it in.
Am nervous about getting one as i have never had one before and i really liked the idea of having something personal to me to remember it and something that is also with me, for life.

I have a question...

Am I Mental For Wanting To Vent My Anger And Feelings And Thoughts On To Paper, Well Notebooks???

As you may know, I have Borderline Personality Disorder or at least some kind of Personality Disorder, Depression, Anxiety problems and slight Agoraphobia..

And I myself struggle talking and expressing my feelings "normally" but i feel that me writing helps myself without others knowing exactly what has been written..

I am in a bad place right now, I am going through a masses amount of problems and stress, and i cant cope with everything right now, and i felt at the time it was easier for me to write out on paper exactly how i am feeling.

But now, i am being told im mental and not normal for wanting to keep notebooks of stuff i write, i never re read anything i just write it and close the book and go back and write some more then close it etc. i have never re readen anything i wrote.

Apart from once, when i went through some old notepad files on the pc and i read some poems i had written years ago and it broke my heart, i guess i never really knew or understood exactly how i was feeling myself, and seeing that the feels have hardly changed was just awful.

I should really sort out my problems, but i have no patience for meds to work again, and really considering putting myself into a mental hospital or something just to keep me safe,

But if i did this, who is to say i can take the things that really mean to me like my cat for starters i couldnt leave him he needs me around, and loves my company!

no one texts me much anymore so hardly anyone is going to miss my texts/calls... i just really dont know what else i can do now, and after all the words that have been said, i just dont think its fair..

I was reminded of how this girl, has a life, has her baby etc. etc. etc. it just killed me.

I know it is nothing to do with you whom read this but i needed to get that off my chest! so i am sorry, but i am allowed to have feelings, arent i??

4 Tiny Angels..

Today the sun has been shining, there has hardly been a cloud in the sky..
The birds have been tweeting and chirping at each other..
My cat too has been lounging out in the sun..

4 Tiny Angels Dance Across The Skies

All in all i have to admit, it has been a nice day, and an ok day for me too.

Only down side is thinking, i think too much and it hurts!

Never spend too much time thinking, it never is good for you! lol trust me, i know! ;)

I have been thinking though, about my past and last years event, including this years event! And i hadnt realised until today, just how many angels i truely have.

I hadn't forgotten, just never mentioned the two miscariages i had before Billie (my ectopic 2010) and i thought i should remember them 2 in some small way, as i do with Billie.. and my 4th Angel in heaven.

Reason why i been thinking a great deal, is because on the 3rd April was our Mothers Day in the United Kingdom.. Everywhere else has a different day, i believe.. Or at least i know the American's do!
Day before i had been reading up on different things, I think i was finding out some information for a friend but i ended up reading about miscarriages online on BUPA. I had posted about this already, but i now know what happened with the 'missing period'

I guess really i dont know what it is i am trying to say, as there is so much inside i dont want to share, but do want to share that it gets complicated..!

But Mothers Day, i had got a kind message from a friend, wishing me a Happy Mothers Day, from my Billie :) So, i had sent her the same back, but from her child whom she also lost..!

I guess upon learning that i have had 3 miscarriages and i have had an ectopic, i realised that it may seem that i am infact Infertile?

Well that has confirmed it, well sort of..

I am now on my period, since what i thought was a miscarriage.. but today i have passed quite a few blood clots including the 2 i passed about an hour ago.
One was about 2inches long other was about the size of my thumb nail.. including a couple of small ones and some down the toilet..


This i thought cant be normal... but then remembered about how i was feeling last night, so i googled some questions to see if i could find the answers, and eventually i came across Bupa.


I am in the miscarriage section, and i have been reading the symptoms.. 


Symptoms of miscarriage

The most common symptom of a miscarriage is bleeding from your vagina. This can vary from light spotting to bleeding that is heavier than your period. You may see blood clots or a brown discharge. You can also have cramps and pain in your abdomen (tummy), pelvis or back.

Some people don’t have any symptoms and their miscarriage may only be discovered in a routine scan.

I remember complaining of back and pelvis pain and i wasnt feeling very well on top of it all, as i had to cancel on a friend to go out clubbing for their birthday..

Following reading the webpage a little bit more, i came across the "types of miscarriage"

Types of miscarriage

There are different types of miscarriage as described below.

Threatened miscarriage. This is when you have bleeding early in your pregnancy and your cervix (the opening to your womb) is tightly closed. Your pregnancy is likely to continue if an ultrasound scan shows the heartbeat of your developing baby.

Inevitable miscarriage. This is when you have bleeding early in your pregnancy and your cervix is open, which means your pregnancy will be lost.

Incomplete miscarriage. This is when a miscarriage has started but there is still some tissue left in your womb. Your cervix is usually open.

Complete miscarriage. This means that your pregnancy has been lost. Your womb is empty and your cervix has closed.

Delayed or missed miscarriage. This means that although your developing baby has died, you haven’t had any bleeding and didn’t lose any tissue straight away

After experiencing and seeing what i saw tonight, i have a feeling that i have or am in the middle of an Incomplete Miscarriage..

Check out the link here.. Miscarriage information on Bupa.

Who knows, one day i will be lucky and have a normal pregnancy, no more miscarriages and hopefully will not result into having another ectopic.

GoneTooSoon

Lately i have noticed some new comments..

I just thought i would write a little blog about a website called GoneTooSoon..

I have my own page on there that i dedicated to my ectopic.. i also have one for my pets

Looking for a memorial page of your own? then i would suggest signing up for Gone too soon!!
Gorgeous site, and lots of themes to be used.

I Feel Numb..

Its 02:51 the time i started to write this..

This time last year i was sitting up at this time because i was in agony with what i thought was just "trapped wind" from stress, as i was being picked on few days previous..
Sitting here now i am shivvering and shaking with the thought of what happened and what i went through, including feel sick.

I do not understand how i managed to go through all this and i do not know why i am still here.

When i think of all that i went through it makes me feel numb and empty, as if it was just a dream and nothing really happened, when clearly i know it did.

http://baby-osman-hoad.gonetoosoon.org/

I really do wish that this never happened.. the ectopic part! i really wanted to have my baby!

At times i feel like i am half a woman, because i lost my left fallopian tube with my baby.. so unfair!

14.03.2011

This time last year it was Mothers Day in the UK.

I'd spent the day with my other half and his kids as his ex was ill and unable to look after them, which wasnt too bad, we had spent the afternoon in town and did a bit of shopping before coming back to the house.
The youngest had gone to stay with her grandparents as my other half at the time was looking after the eldest of the two.
We were happily playing in the lounge with his Power Ranger toys before i put him to bed to sleep.. i then went and sat alone in the lounge and watched telly.
Within an hour of being in there, i moved and felt like i had pulled a muscle in my side, so i went to tell him what happened... this was around 10/11pm at night.
It wasnt until the next day that i had realised the pain i felt that night was only the start of my ectopic.


I feel absolutely sick today, the thought of last year makes me feel weird as if i am about to fall into a hole, my heart skips a beat, its a very odd feeling..
I am not sure on how to take any of this, today or how to take it tomorrow! i just feel so empty

I guess i just cant believe that its been a year since all this happened and just cant get over how much it has changed my life.


Really, i wish things were different so that i wouldnt have to feel this way, but that now cannot be changed no matter how much i wish..

Apart of me wishes i knew if my baby was going to be a boy or a girl.. or at least if there was any way i would had known!
Might put my mind at ease..


I really do wish i could get a tattoo to represent,

My Angel, My Billie..!!

Whom was only apart of me for a short a while, but will spend a lifetime in my heart

Time is closing in on me...

or at least its pretty much how i feel.

Its been almost a year now, since my Ectopic and the closer to the date im getting the more anxious i am becoming.
Never before have i had to deal with this kind of emotion (which would explain why i have not shown much)
I dont know what to do, how to feel or anything.

My baby, i lost.. my baby i wanted, but why havent i shown any emotion! why have i just carried on as if nothing had ever happened, when i know it did because i still rub my belly and i feel my scars (often)!!!

Am i normal, because i dont feel it!
I get upset about it, but then it just blows over i am constantly overwhelmed with the thought of the date coming up and i have no idea how to approach it or what will happen when it comes...

Year after year, since i was old enough to learn and understand about my sister, Kimberley.. i mourned her, and i write her poems and think about her too,
She was still born 25 weeks into pregnancy, when this happened i was 3, so at the time i didnt fully understand until i grew older.

Maybe, i might end up feeling the same when years have passed and i fully understand?? i dont know.. i wish i did and i wish i had someone to talk to, open up to maybe that might help explain why i feel the way i do i dont know.

People expect me to brush it under the carpet and leave it and never look back - am i doing that now?!

I know i never got to see him/her but they were still apart of me and grew inside me for 3 months fallopian tube or not.

My partner has no idea how i am feeling or anything because he feels like it something i shouldnt dwell on, but he doesnt seem to realise that he already has kids with previous relationships he doesnt know how it feels to want something so much and then to loose it all in the shut of an eye..

Am i being selfish for cradling the thought of what could have been?

All these questions, yet no answers for any of them, its not fair!