Follow Up About My Dream..

This is a follow up from my blog post "My Weird Dream I Had" that I wrote 27th March 2013.

Basically, the dream has been bugging me for a few weeks now, and still been unable to talk to someone about it.. Until last night. I mentioned the dream to a friend, because she often gets messages given to her in her dreams. And I've never had this kind of experience before, ever!!

First she told me what she knew about Angels, and people passing over:

All I know is that when I loved one comes thru to u it means they gone where they are supposed to be and they have come to let u know they are safe

I gave her a link to the blog post about the dream, and this is what she's told me:

Congratulations as such u have a daughter that was her way of letting u know she knows who you are and that she loves you and also that she is safe

In my opinion, to me, that has put my mind at ease a little, especially since this year it was my 3rd Angelversary.. I had not done anything in particular as such, because although I don't give a damn what people think or say about the way I handle/do things, I felt a little ashamed to do something special so I did nothing :( a hand full of people were generous enough to light candles, leave messages on my wall and make little graphics for me, but none of which was asked for.. Although I have a select few people as friends and trust with that kind of information, they came through and let me know they was thinking of me.

Now, knowing that my Angel would've been a girl has made me feel a little better in myself, and gives me hope and confidence in dreams for them to show and appear with their real meanings.
Never once, have I had a dream about a little boy...

Yes... Its About Time!!!

A few weeks ago I posted about needing to have a Hysteroscopy and a follow up Colposcopy along with a smear etc.

Well, I had the Hysteroscopy, Colposcopy, Smear, Endometrial Biopsy, Coil Fitted including a D&C on the 20th February 2013.
And well, today, just over 5 weeks later, I have got the results of my Smear - which is ALL CLEAR NO MORE ABNORMAL CELLS.. I don't need to go back now for another 3 years *yay* and my Endometrial Biopsy came back as Simple Glandular Hyperplasia which is Benign! From what I read, I can gather it is an over growth of the cells in the womb lining.. And the hospital have advised that they think the coil will help treat this, and then it suddenly dawned me, course it would help lol the coil slowly releases hormones!!!!!

Shame its taken almost 6 months to find out whats wrong, but I guess, I know now and hopefully, the coil will do its job and WORK

A Poem Called "The Ectopic"

The Ectopic

'Your uterus is empty' they say as they perform the scan,
but its my heart that empties as I hold your fathers hand.
'We'll give you an injection and the ectopic will resolve',
The ectopic is what they call you my baby, who I dearly long to hold,
and resolve has not the meaning which it might to you and I,
instead its a polite way of telling me you will die.
'Not viable' I hear them say, which means that you wont live,
Ill never get to take you home or share the love I have to give.
'They had an ectopic' is the way whats happened is described,
which hardly seems to recognize we had a baby who has died.
I wish that they would use the words, the ones that make it real,
then maybe they would understand the sorrow that I feel.

Found:
http://www.pregnancyforum.org.uk/showthread.php/251159-Poems-about-loss

Baby Loss Poem I Found:

Was flicking through google for some poems on Ectopic Pregnancy, and I came across this one, so thought I would share:

Mommy and daddy need you baby, but they say you have to go away!
You are not in mommy's uterus so you simply cant stay!
My heart is truelly broken as the tears roll down my eyes.
I can't believe i had to do this i hope i can sleep tonight.
It would kill us both baby if you stay here.
Although I dont know if i want to be here without you near.
They gave mommy this medicine, it hurt mommy real bad.
But not as much as it did me and daddy to loose you baby, we are so sad.
Ive never felt so much pain in my life.
And... I truelly wonder if we are going to be alright.
It took me and daddy so long to get you baby and then you had to leave.
If I could take it back, I'd wish it could be me!
RIP we love you baby!

(http://community.babycenter.com/post/a23835107/the_loss_of_my_child_poem)

My Weird Dream I Had...

I haven't posted about my dreams before, so thought I might give it a try!!

The other night, I had a dream that I finally got pregnant, but it was a little weird because in my dream, I ended up giving birth but had complications.. And because it scared me a little and was very vivid, I kinda woke up and don't remember much about that dream!!

But.. I had a dream this morning which scared me awake. It wasn't very long because it was that weird...

I had a dream, that it was a few years after I lost my Angel, Billie (I had lost Billie, my Ectopic 15th March 2010), and I well, I had this appointment to see someone. I was sitting in the waiting room with my mum, and was lead into this side room with a table in the middle, and was lead in by a man, I think he may had been the doctor, I am not sure!?
Anyway, in this room I was suddenly presented with this sheet of paper that had ALL my scans on, including all the HCG level's information and other bits of information too.. For some reason, I had a picture of my Angel on there - showing me what he/she looked like.. But, what I remember most of all is that when they presented me with the sheet of paper with all the information on it, he said to me
"I want you to meet your daughter!!!"

Now, I don't know what that means if there is any significance behind it or what, but it was very strange.
I have so many questions running around in my mind..

"Do I want to find out what happened?"
"Why did it happen to me?"
"Is Billie a girl?"
"Will I ever find out what results were produced?"

Since it has been a little over 3 years now, its making me wonder if I am going to be ready to question it and possibly demand to see my notes and find out if there is any information as to what happened and if they was able to determine if Billie is a girl or a boy.. But I am not sure if I am strong enough to go through that, even still now, even though it has been 3 years since.. I am guessing it would put my mind at ease, but when I had the Ectopic and was in hospital and signing various things, one of them was to do tests on the baby.. So surely, I should had known what they did to it, and what they did after... Actually, what they did after all the tests has suddenly dawned on me that I don't know if I want to know what they did with my baby afterwards... The thought of it is actually pretty worrying and upsetting...

Bespoke Keepsakes: Keepsakes Made For Everyone, Includes Angels

I wanted to let you all know about a new page that I have helped set up and made things for.

Its called Bespoke Keepsakes.

Basically, this page is for handmade keepsakes and treasures, they are made for everyone

(Babies, Children, Adults)

Also includes memorial items for memory boxes in memory of Angels & more!

I bought some clay and moulds and cutters etc. to use to make things out of to make for people who are grieving, and to help bring some people some peace.

Also, I hoped that I could make things that mean more than some silly graphics that I spend hours at a time usually making and never get nothing in return - not that I ask for anything, but something more than:

"Thank You, Saved" or "Thanks" or "Saved"

Just makes me feel sad, because I feel that what I have made isn't good enough, and no one seems to show any appreciation anymore :(

Hopefully, this will bring people happiness and appreciate these a little more.

Especially since I have found that there aren't many sites that make and personalize items like this for you in the UK, I have found that many of them, especially on facebook are in the United States!
Which means you're paying a little more for the item including a lot more on postage!

With a bit of luck, I can help change that!!

If you are reading this, and are interested please come and find them here:

Bespoke Keepsakes

15th March 2013

Today is the 15th March 2013.

Today marks the 3 year mark of the date that I lost my Angel & my tube.

Billie, is an angel as a result of an Ectopic Pregnancy, but you already know that since my blog is called

"Life After My Ectopic Pregnancy"

I have spent the day with my Sister and her 6 week old son (my nephew)

Kept me busy, and kept my mind off things, although now that I am on my own is when it bothers me.

But, I have recieved these few beautiful pictures in memory of my Angel.

From My Friend Kimmie On My Facebook.

This was left from me from a lovely lady called Rachel in my group:

Every Angel Matters.

This was made for me from a good friend called Jade on her Graphics page

Enchanted Rose Designs.

From my friend Noel! She is an amazing graphic designer from

Finding Forever Designs

This is from my friend Corinna:

I have recieved some lovely messages and comments from a few other friends which was nice, especially since I didn't want to make a massive song and dance about it being my Angel's day.

But appreciate all the message the select few have left me.

It's All Coming Back To Me...

I keep coming over all panicky and sick, its a weird feeling.. Especially remembering/realizing that this time 3 years ago I was fighting the pains in my abdomen, trying to sleep but couldn't because of the pain!!

When my tube ruptured, it started around 11pm on the 14th March 2010 (Mothers Day) but I never did anything about the pain until 7-8am on the 15th March 2010, that was when I admitted defeat and decided that it would be best for me to go to hospital, worst part was the only way I could get back there was in another ambulance.

All these memories keep flooding back to me, and I am not sure how I am 'ok'. I am not totally sure on how I should feel at the moment, except the only thing I can express is that I have a weird feeling in my tummy and I guess I kinda feel sick? Not sure, its a weird feeling that is very hard to express, let alone try and explain out in this blog post.

I guess, apart of me is still wondering HOW I managed to cope and deal with the problems and the pain that I experienced that day, and every day since. So much happened for the first 3-4 months of 2010 and it will always play on my mind, especially with the 'what ifs' :(

At the moment, it is 12:35am and all I can see in the back of my mind is me trying to get comfortable and trying so hard to stop the pain in my tummy.. The strange thing is, that I can see it in the back of mind, which makes it feel like everything that I went through was a dream, when it wasn't it was real life, and it only happened 3 years ago, but feels and seems like a lifetime ago..

Its Been Almost 3 Years..

Today is the 4th of March, as I lay in bed thinking about the way things are, and wondering HOW they would be different in nothing bad happened.

All the memories of what I went through with the hospital visits, blood tests, scans, examinations and the Methotrexate Injection seem and feel like a dream.. I can't believe it, sometimes it feels like only yesterday, other days it feels like it was years ago and have skipped a couple of years in between.. These thoughts and feelings are a little strange.

I was going to sit and read this blog that I have been keeping over the last 3 years, but I read the 2 posts that I left in February 2010, and then thought, yeah, I can't do this, so I just left it.. Weird, because I do the same with my notebooks, I have been writing in them for the same amount of time (3 yrs I think) but these are about my depression BPD etc.

I want to do something special, and I want to buy things for myself that have my Angel's name on, and I think I am actually doing to do it this time because I have never done anything like this before. I own 3 things, and I didn't really ask for them.

The bits I was sent were:
a tealight holder with Billie's name and date around the rim. I won this on a giveaway on a Facebook page called Tilly Beans Keep Sakes For Your Little Angels!
A second tealight holder with Billie's name on. This one was sent from a girl who owns Special Angels on Facebook.
A little knitted Angel with a tiny beaded necklace with footprints on from a woman on Facebook, unfortunately I don't remember which page, but when I find the card I will share.

I forgot about the Angel, that was the first thing that I ever received from someone since I lost my Angel. But, I do have a little fluffy sheep that smells like lavender that was given to me as a "get well soon" gift from my sisters boyfriends, mum. Its microwaveable like a hot water bottle. It was given to me with a note saying that it would keep me warm when my partner couldn't.

Those things mean a lot to me too.

Time For Change...?

In July time I posted about having to have a Colposcopy done, following an abnormal smear.. I don't think I mentioned it, but following this procedure, I had bled constantly non stop for months, days even!
It felt like it was going on forever, I had been back and forth to doctors, was treated twice for an infection, I've had bloods and scans and still the doctors are baffled..

I had bloods done in November 2012, everything came back normal, except that my hormone levels were slightly high. But I said it can't be "normal" because I am still bleeding, to which she decided to send me off for a scan to see what was going on, they said that again everything was normal except the lining was a little thick.. Still, no help!!
Well, they eventually sent me off to the hospital for further examinations. I had the appointment on the 12th February, it was awful. I bled, everywhere :( was sooo embarrassing, but least they realized there was a problem, so they had booked me in for the 20th to put me to sleep, they decided they wanted to do another Colposcopy because they cancelled my follow up appointment in January 2013, do a Hysteroscopy and a Endometrial Biopsy, they also wanted to put the coil in, but I wasn't so sure at first, but they said I had till the 20th to make my mind up. I agreed, because it needed to be done.
I had given consent for them to do:
Smear, Colposcopy, Hysteroscopy, Endometrial Biopsy, D&C and the fitting of the coil.
I have to say, since having all that done on Wednesday, I have hardly bled since :) but I am feeling the side effects of the cramping, and spotting, but hopefully now, things will die down a little and things can change.

I didn't really want to have the coil fitted, because i do wanna have kids more than anything, but given the current situation and circumstances, I need to get to the bottom of why I am/have been bleeding so much for so long.. Will be soo glad to get things back to normal again :)

All that I have to do now is wait for the results, and I am hoping they wont take too long to come in!
Fingers Crossed..

Sitting Here.. Thinking..

So, tonight I have been sat here talking to a bunch of ladies on facebook about losses and such, and it made me think of my Angel, Billie.. And realizing that in just a few days time, 3 years ago, that I would had been called in for an emergency scan, blood test etc. to then determine that the baby I was carrying was defiantly growing in my tube.
Its kind of hard to think about sometimes, and sometimes I tend to try and do it in the privacy of my own mind, mainly because there are still many people that do not even know that Billie was my tubal pregnancy..! Not to mention that I know a lot of people have tried telling me in the past that I shouldn't grieve for the baby growing in my tube, but perhaps I should grieve the loss of my left tube instead - although not sure how that would make the situation any better, or easier, perhaps!?
I have to admit, it does make me sad now, knowing that time is flying by so fast, and I still am unable to catch up with it and allow anything to sink in properly.

The one thing that does sit on my mind a lot is how although I am 3 years down the line, that I still think and feel that there is something missing, something not quite right, just doesn't make sense!?

Some People...

I am soo not impressed, I am very very mad and upset, I hate how people who don't deserve children don't just have ONE have TWO or more!! I hate how they can sit there and dictate how they are better than you and rub it in your face they can have children, and you can't!!

People just don't have a clue, why are there selfish people out there who have these children and there are people out there who just can't have any but want and deserve one can't have them!? Society and life sucks to be honest. I am sick to the back teeth of being treated really badly because certain people just can't keep their mouths shut and keep their opinions to themselves.

YES, I can't have children so damn what thats MY business NOT YOURS to use and abuse as you see fit!!! You people make me sick

I'm Fake? No, Not Really.. But I Wish I Was..

I am kind of gutted to learn that a few people I classed as friends turned around and said that I am fake, and so is my Angel, that I named Billie..
How could I lie about something like this when I have been keeping and writing to this blog on and off since February 2010 when I had my first injection of Methotrexate to terminate the pregnancy to stop my tube from rupturing, and then posting from when my tube ruptured due to not having my last blood tests in March 2010..
In all honesty, this has hurt me a little but at the end of the day thats down to them to continue thinking whatever it is they want to think.. I know the truth and so does my family that was there for me from day one.

I don't have much to prove that what I went through is real, I do on the other hand have pictures of my pregnancy test - which doesn't really prove anything.. Because its just a stick that you pee'd on to say if your pregnant or not, and I know a lot of people fake those too!! (sad)

All I hear/see on facebook is people arguing amongst themselves claiming each of them are fake :/ I don't understand it, people state that being amongst other Angel Mothers, and more is a place for comfort and support - when really it isn't because everyone picks on each other, slags each other off behind their backs and then stabs them in the back regardless.. I don't get it..
I guess this is kind of why a select few know a little bit about what happened, and why I don't want to involve myself with too many people whom have Angel's.. Its sad that it has to come down to that but I hate seeing everyone pick on each other its just wrong..

I just still cannot believe that my so called friends think that I am fake too - although I was expecting it because some people do not class an Ectopic as a loss, when it should be classed as a loss, because even though the baby isn't growing in the womb, it is still a baby and it is still growing inside of us, so therefore it should be classed as a loss.. Although I am not sure if it IS classed as a loss, if it isn't then it really should to be honest..
Really sucks though because I lay on my back in bed and I feel my scars under my tummy - I have 3 one in the middle, and the other 2 are either side.. Although you cannot probably see them now, I can feel them because they are little dents in my tummy.. Not to mention I have a fairly large ugly one in my belly button that I can see and feel - I don't like that one..
But its a little, and sad reminder of what happened back then, not to mention the tattoo that I got in memory of my Angel in May 2011..

Its That Time Of Year.... Again

Yep that's right, its almost Christmas.. I have not been feeling it again this year.. Mainly because last year it was pants and the year before it wasn't so bad, better than the year before when my parents had split up and tried to have a "good" Christmas for the sake of us 'kids' - Me, My Sister & Brother, but that was a disaster in the end..

Last year, I didn't do anything special and I don't really intend to this year. I am yet to hear from my parents about what's going to happen, rather hide away and be on my own, if I am honest.

It just really sucks that this year would've been my Angel's 3rd Christmas - if He/She didn't grow in my Fallopian tube and rupture in March 2010.
I think of all the children getting to spend with their parents, or even new born babies experiencing their first Christmas, like for instant, my Godson, this is going to be his first ever Christmas, and he is lucky to experience this because when he was born he was born with the cord wrapped around his neck, and if he had it wrapped around one more time he could've died :( so he is very special..
I guess I just think of it as another year without someone, the last 22 years it was my sister because she was stillborn 14th September 1990, and then in March 1996 it was my nan's turn to go due to Breast Cancer..
In a way, I am kind of used to it - to put it harshly, just wish that things didn't end the way they did though, it would be awesome if everyone was still here!! But hey, whats the harm in wishing?

I do wish everyone a gentle merry christmas, I know a lot of my followers are in the same position as me with loosing loved ones and missing them around Christmas time, a time for families to come together and be 'merry'
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Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Week 9th-15th October

As many of you may know, this week is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness week..

I've got a page up on facebook to which I make graphics through, which you can find here.. DaisyChain Dezign.. I've been playing around with Paint Shop Pro now for 7 years! I am not very good, but there are some things I am good AT - but I am currently learning new things and some of the things I am learning I am using with my graphics at the moment! :)

With my graphics page, at the moment I am currently offering Pregnancy & Infant Loss graphics, I have a Breast Cancer Awareness one, but no one seems interested in that one!

So if you are following my blog and and you see this post you can stop by, join my page and request for yourself..

Here are a couple of offers that I have available on my page at the moment:

Images Are Linked To My Graphics Page!!

Template Was Made By Designs Of Lost Words Blog - Can Be Found On Facebook.

These offers are open until 14th October!

I have had many graphics made for me for my Angel that I named Billie over the last year, and to display all of these that friends have made I have had to set up a private group on facebook - this is because people really can be so cruel and because people don't like seeing my graphics or me talking about my angel on facebook regardless of it being MY PAGE - but to keep people happy I just don't talk to people about it anymore.

Even though Billie, WAS an Ectopic Pregnancy that ruptured - HE/SHE is still an Angel and mean a lot to me regardless of what other people think!!

Since I lost, Billie, I have had pictures of their name taken with a gorgeous Candle that my friend has done since 2010 without fail.

Last year (2011) I tried to do something similar but I didn't really do a good job with that lol

I was going to try and do it again this year but changed my mind and opted to do something a little more special instead, a group graphic with everyone's angels written on it :)

Going to do something else for them but they don't know this yet so "shhhhh"

If you are interested in learning more about Infant & Pregnancy Loss, please check out www.october15th.com

If you are interested in having something made for your angel then please find me on facebook:
www.facebook.com/Daisy.Chain.Dezign

Gentle Hugs & Floaty Kisses To All Our Angels

No Matter How Big Or How Small!
Never Forgotten

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