Christmas 2019 Was A Bit Challenging...

Christmas this year was a weird one for me. I struggled this time around and I was just an emotional mess.

I was adamant that I wanted to be on my own this year and not be around anyone as I felt that this would be the best option for me. I was invited to spend it with my brother his fiance and her family with my mum but I knew that I wouldn't feel comfortable and after having my issues a couple of months ago with medication changes I knew I wouldn't be able to cope with it all. I was invited to spend Christmas with my best friend again this year. She and the family invited me and my mum to join them 3 years ago which was lovely.
After a couple of weeks of trying to work out what I wanted to do I reluctantly decided to go to my friends for Christmas Day. I decided to do it that way so if I had had enough I can just go home whenever I wanted too and not have to worry about anything.
It was lovely had some lovely food and got spoilt with lovely gifts from my friends and her kids. But when her mum and dad and sisters turned up the kids were showered with so many gifts and I started to feel uncomfortable.
Their kids had so many bits brought for them and I just started thinking about my baby that I lost and couldn't help but think about what my child would've been like this year for their Christmas and then wondering what they'd be into whether I had a boy or a girl. I had already been up and down all morning already and during the early part of the afternoon but it had just started to get worse and I just wanted to grab my stuff and leg it out the door!

I'm not jealous or anything, I just wish that I had my friends life she has such a great family and its hard because all my life I have wanted to have kids. Even when she had her eldest I knew I wanted to have kids when I could but it never happened until the day I found out I was pregnant then I started bleeding and lead to loads of scans, blood tests examinations and then after about 2-3 weeks it was said that I was having an ectopic pregnancy and that I had to either have surgery or the injection. Thinking about it now I should've just gone for the surgery not the injection but I wasn't to know that the injection wasn't going to work as it was supposed to.

Hopefully one day I can change my thoughts and feelings and have a family before it is too late *fingers crossed*