Just A Little Something I Thought Up Earlier...

Just because you cannot see me

Doesnt mean i am not here

For i am in spirit

Which means i'll always be near.

I wish i could had met you, my mum, my dad

But God called me home

I was torn between the two

However in God's garden i was free to roam.

My wings, they grew instantly

And before i knew it i was floating high

Out of my body, including your tummy

I am gliding through the sky.

Here i will sit and stay and watch

To make sure you know it's true

I will be happy up here you see

I am an Angel and i'll watch over you.

Copyright!!

19th June 2011

My Tattoo..

WooHoo

I have finally decided what tattoo i have picked to remember my ectopic, including other failed pregnancies through miscarriage.
I felt a set of angel wings, was "original" as most people have them, admittedly i wanted to add to it, but i didnt exactly know what, but to have them on their own wasnt what i wanted, in the end.
I then felt that stars would be the same, original and most people have them.. and that doesnt mean much in some sense.
Rainbows again are kind of common, but i havent really seen many, even in memorium..

Still, i designed what I want and i feel means something, to me!
Have emailed it over to the tattoo parlour, but wont be going down until friday 13th, my birthday, to hopefully book it in.
Am nervous about getting one as i have never had one before and i really liked the idea of having something personal to me to remember it and something that is also with me, for life.

I have a question...

Am I Mental For Wanting To Vent My Anger And Feelings And Thoughts On To Paper, Well Notebooks???

As you may know, I have Borderline Personality Disorder or at least some kind of Personality Disorder, Depression, Anxiety problems and slight Agoraphobia..

And I myself struggle talking and expressing my feelings "normally" but i feel that me writing helps myself without others knowing exactly what has been written..

I am in a bad place right now, I am going through a masses amount of problems and stress, and i cant cope with everything right now, and i felt at the time it was easier for me to write out on paper exactly how i am feeling.

But now, i am being told im mental and not normal for wanting to keep notebooks of stuff i write, i never re read anything i just write it and close the book and go back and write some more then close it etc. i have never re readen anything i wrote.

Apart from once, when i went through some old notepad files on the pc and i read some poems i had written years ago and it broke my heart, i guess i never really knew or understood exactly how i was feeling myself, and seeing that the feels have hardly changed was just awful.

I should really sort out my problems, but i have no patience for meds to work again, and really considering putting myself into a mental hospital or something just to keep me safe,

But if i did this, who is to say i can take the things that really mean to me like my cat for starters i couldnt leave him he needs me around, and loves my company!

no one texts me much anymore so hardly anyone is going to miss my texts/calls... i just really dont know what else i can do now, and after all the words that have been said, i just dont think its fair..

I was reminded of how this girl, has a life, has her baby etc. etc. etc. it just killed me.

I know it is nothing to do with you whom read this but i needed to get that off my chest! so i am sorry, but i am allowed to have feelings, arent i??

4 Tiny Angels..

Today the sun has been shining, there has hardly been a cloud in the sky..
The birds have been tweeting and chirping at each other..
My cat too has been lounging out in the sun..

4 Tiny Angels Dance Across The Skies

All in all i have to admit, it has been a nice day, and an ok day for me too.

Only down side is thinking, i think too much and it hurts!

Never spend too much time thinking, it never is good for you! lol trust me, i know! ;)

I have been thinking though, about my past and last years event, including this years event! And i hadnt realised until today, just how many angels i truely have.

I hadn't forgotten, just never mentioned the two miscariages i had before Billie (my ectopic 2010) and i thought i should remember them 2 in some small way, as i do with Billie.. and my 4th Angel in heaven.

Reason why i been thinking a great deal, is because on the 3rd April was our Mothers Day in the United Kingdom.. Everywhere else has a different day, i believe.. Or at least i know the American's do!
Day before i had been reading up on different things, I think i was finding out some information for a friend but i ended up reading about miscarriages online on BUPA. I had posted about this already, but i now know what happened with the 'missing period'

I guess really i dont know what it is i am trying to say, as there is so much inside i dont want to share, but do want to share that it gets complicated..!

But Mothers Day, i had got a kind message from a friend, wishing me a Happy Mothers Day, from my Billie :) So, i had sent her the same back, but from her child whom she also lost..!

I guess upon learning that i have had 3 miscarriages and i have had an ectopic, i realised that it may seem that i am infact Infertile?

Well that has confirmed it, well sort of..

I am now on my period, since what i thought was a miscarriage.. but today i have passed quite a few blood clots including the 2 i passed about an hour ago.
One was about 2inches long other was about the size of my thumb nail.. including a couple of small ones and some down the toilet..


This i thought cant be normal... but then remembered about how i was feeling last night, so i googled some questions to see if i could find the answers, and eventually i came across Bupa.


I am in the miscarriage section, and i have been reading the symptoms.. 


Symptoms of miscarriage

The most common symptom of a miscarriage is bleeding from your vagina. This can vary from light spotting to bleeding that is heavier than your period. You may see blood clots or a brown discharge. You can also have cramps and pain in your abdomen (tummy), pelvis or back.

Some people don’t have any symptoms and their miscarriage may only be discovered in a routine scan.

I remember complaining of back and pelvis pain and i wasnt feeling very well on top of it all, as i had to cancel on a friend to go out clubbing for their birthday..

Following reading the webpage a little bit more, i came across the "types of miscarriage"

Types of miscarriage

There are different types of miscarriage as described below.

Threatened miscarriage. This is when you have bleeding early in your pregnancy and your cervix (the opening to your womb) is tightly closed. Your pregnancy is likely to continue if an ultrasound scan shows the heartbeat of your developing baby.

Inevitable miscarriage. This is when you have bleeding early in your pregnancy and your cervix is open, which means your pregnancy will be lost.

Incomplete miscarriage. This is when a miscarriage has started but there is still some tissue left in your womb. Your cervix is usually open.

Complete miscarriage. This means that your pregnancy has been lost. Your womb is empty and your cervix has closed.

Delayed or missed miscarriage. This means that although your developing baby has died, you haven’t had any bleeding and didn’t lose any tissue straight away

After experiencing and seeing what i saw tonight, i have a feeling that i have or am in the middle of an Incomplete Miscarriage..

Check out the link here.. Miscarriage information on Bupa.

Who knows, one day i will be lucky and have a normal pregnancy, no more miscarriages and hopefully will not result into having another ectopic.

GoneTooSoon

Lately i have noticed some new comments..

I just thought i would write a little blog about a website called GoneTooSoon..

I have my own page on there that i dedicated to my ectopic.. i also have one for my pets

Looking for a memorial page of your own? then i would suggest signing up for Gone too soon!!
Gorgeous site, and lots of themes to be used.

I Feel Numb..

Its 02:51 the time i started to write this..

This time last year i was sitting up at this time because i was in agony with what i thought was just "trapped wind" from stress, as i was being picked on few days previous..
Sitting here now i am shivvering and shaking with the thought of what happened and what i went through, including feel sick.

I do not understand how i managed to go through all this and i do not know why i am still here.

When i think of all that i went through it makes me feel numb and empty, as if it was just a dream and nothing really happened, when clearly i know it did.

http://baby-osman-hoad.gonetoosoon.org/

I really do wish that this never happened.. the ectopic part! i really wanted to have my baby!

At times i feel like i am half a woman, because i lost my left fallopian tube with my baby.. so unfair!

14.03.2011

This time last year it was Mothers Day in the UK.

I'd spent the day with my other half and his kids as his ex was ill and unable to look after them, which wasnt too bad, we had spent the afternoon in town and did a bit of shopping before coming back to the house.
The youngest had gone to stay with her grandparents as my other half at the time was looking after the eldest of the two.
We were happily playing in the lounge with his Power Ranger toys before i put him to bed to sleep.. i then went and sat alone in the lounge and watched telly.
Within an hour of being in there, i moved and felt like i had pulled a muscle in my side, so i went to tell him what happened... this was around 10/11pm at night.
It wasnt until the next day that i had realised the pain i felt that night was only the start of my ectopic.


I feel absolutely sick today, the thought of last year makes me feel weird as if i am about to fall into a hole, my heart skips a beat, its a very odd feeling..
I am not sure on how to take any of this, today or how to take it tomorrow! i just feel so empty

I guess i just cant believe that its been a year since all this happened and just cant get over how much it has changed my life.


Really, i wish things were different so that i wouldnt have to feel this way, but that now cannot be changed no matter how much i wish..

Apart of me wishes i knew if my baby was going to be a boy or a girl.. or at least if there was any way i would had known!
Might put my mind at ease..


I really do wish i could get a tattoo to represent,

My Angel, My Billie..!!

Whom was only apart of me for a short a while, but will spend a lifetime in my heart

Time is closing in on me...

or at least its pretty much how i feel.

Its been almost a year now, since my Ectopic and the closer to the date im getting the more anxious i am becoming.
Never before have i had to deal with this kind of emotion (which would explain why i have not shown much)
I dont know what to do, how to feel or anything.

My baby, i lost.. my baby i wanted, but why havent i shown any emotion! why have i just carried on as if nothing had ever happened, when i know it did because i still rub my belly and i feel my scars (often)!!!

Am i normal, because i dont feel it!
I get upset about it, but then it just blows over i am constantly overwhelmed with the thought of the date coming up and i have no idea how to approach it or what will happen when it comes...

Year after year, since i was old enough to learn and understand about my sister, Kimberley.. i mourned her, and i write her poems and think about her too,
She was still born 25 weeks into pregnancy, when this happened i was 3, so at the time i didnt fully understand until i grew older.

Maybe, i might end up feeling the same when years have passed and i fully understand?? i dont know.. i wish i did and i wish i had someone to talk to, open up to maybe that might help explain why i feel the way i do i dont know.

People expect me to brush it under the carpet and leave it and never look back - am i doing that now?!

I know i never got to see him/her but they were still apart of me and grew inside me for 3 months fallopian tube or not.

My partner has no idea how i am feeling or anything because he feels like it something i shouldnt dwell on, but he doesnt seem to realise that he already has kids with previous relationships he doesnt know how it feels to want something so much and then to loose it all in the shut of an eye..

Am i being selfish for cradling the thought of what could have been?

All these questions, yet no answers for any of them, its not fair!

A Gorgeous Poem I Found On A Blog

These are my footprints,

so perfect and so small.

These tiny footprints

never touched the ground at all.

Not one tiny footprint,

for now I have wings.

These tiny footprints were meant

for other things.

You will hear my tiny footprints,

in the patter of the rain.

Gentle drops like angel's tears,

of joy and not from pain.

You will see my tiny footprints,

in each butterflies' lazy dance.

I'll let you know I'm with you,

if you just give me the chance.

You will see my tiny footprints,

in the rustle of the leaves.

I will whisper names into the wind,

and call each one that grieves.

Most of all, these tiny footprints,

are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.

'Cause even though I'm gone now,

We'll never truly part.

I found this poem on another blog, http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/ and i fell in love with it, it was so lovely and powerful and meant a little something to me, so i felt that i should share it with you, if those of you haven't heard or read this before.

( I ALSO HOPE THAT I HAVE NOT OFFENDED THE PERSON WHOM OWNS

"TO WRITE THEIR NAMES IN THE SAND http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/ )

Wrong again..

This is a follow up from my last blog i wrote a couple of weeks ago,

in thinking i might be pregnant again...

well i am not!

Yesterday (22nd)

I started what i think is my period yesterday, i have been in a bit of discomfort and feeling disorientated etc.

But have dealt with it, i was going to go to the doctors yesterday and then was going to go today instead, but i do not wish to know if i am experiencing a miscarriage or not, because of what i went through last year has kind of put me off a little bit. even though i know IF i am experiencing another ectopic it could take my life - as i did almost loose it on the operating table!

But still, its something you do not wish to know, sometimes! i already lost one baby, i dont want to know if i am in the process of loosing yet another..

Only thing that is sort of keeping me "sane" is the thought of my baby angel flying high and free amongst the clouds with other special angel babies that God had other plans for etc.

Admittedly, i am gutted i have come on my period, again! i would do anything to have my own family, without having to mother my partners other kids with previous relationships, not that i am saying i dont like them or want to be around them, just it isnt the same.. i guess..

Suppose, only time will tell...

If Things Were Different..

If things were different you would be here now
If things were different i would be holding you close
If things were different you would be 4months old..
If things were different i would be watching you grow
If things were different my life would have some meaning
If things were different i would had known if you was my baby boy or my baby girl

People say "things happen for a reason" ...Still dont know what MY reason was...

Still, in some respects i cant complain a great deal, because i nearly lost my life, although sometimes i wish i had lost it, all because of what i had to go through all the pain, the blood tests internal scans and exams everything.. i had all that done for nothing - well seems to feel like nothing!
No one has helped me nor have they offered, when i woke up in hospital after my operation my mum, dad sister and her boyfriend and my uncle was there.. which was great!!
But no one offered any kind of support whilst i was sitting in the ward, except for a woman whom was leaving that day who offered me her tv card so i could watch telly..
I just cant get over it, what did i ever do that was so wrong to result into this...??

Still, i am never gonna find out the answer now!


I just hope i never have to go through that, again!

xx Happy Valentines Day xx

Happy Valentines Day, Billie!!

This red rose is for my precious little angel Billie
I dont care if people say i am silly
Your always be my baby even though your in spirit
But when i talk to you i know your hear it
Thinking of you today which is nothing new
I feel so empty and useless without you
Give me strength to fight each day
Heal my breaking heart in any way
Your always be special to me
Even though I been left to be


Ok that poem wasnt so great, but it is hard to find the words to express myself when i am feeling so low, not because of my ectopic, not because of valentines day, but just due to the fact where i wish i knew where i went wrong and how i could had fixed or prevented it.. Things have been pretty tough, but i feel ashamed to talk about it and mention it because no one cares nor are people interested.
I know i post out on here, which again i shouldnt but i needed something where i could let of steam a little..
Plus, as regards to my previous post, its been a year since i found out i was pregnant, almost a year before you was taken from me.. (even if you did try to take me with you)


I just dont know whats going on with me personally, because i am still waiting my period! am i being blessed with a baby, or yet another angel?
Or just generally over reacting and nothing is wrong with me at all (even though people say i have menopause... I am only 23)


Ohhhhhh i dont know, i just need to scream and let off some steam me thinks!!

Almost A Year Later..

It was around this time last year that i found out i was pregnant...

And it was awful... not finding out i am pregnant, that was excellent learning i was gonna be a mummy...
but finding out i was having an ectopic was just unfair..

Things happen for a reason, but i dont know what the reason was for me! and i dont think i will ever learn...
Well, apart from things changing between me and my other half, but that was based upon our rocky relationship anyway, nothing got better for me as i was left wondering and feeling empty and confused..
Some days i was ok, others i would just realise that i never gonna be a mummy

Angel Mummy... i have settled for! and either way, its not so bad, just i dont get to do the things real mummys do! :(

There isnt a moment that goes by that i think of "what could had been" and wondering what she/he would had looked like, and how things would be different now!

But, this is where it gets confusing...

My periods, have been regular since the ectopic, never missed one been 1-2 days late or 1-2 days early, but thats it.
I am now 12 days late for my period...
Am i pregnant?
Is my body playing tricks on me?
Am i gonna have another ectopic??
- these are the questions that i am firing at myself in the back of my mind.. But i have now taken 3 pregnancy tests, one faint positive, other 2 negative!
(I even took pictures of the first two together because you could see the other line)

Reasons to why it is confusing me is this...
Last Year...
Last period - 28th-30th December 2009
Next period - 28th January 2010
Due Date - 6th October 2010

This year
Last Period - 27th-30th December 2010
Next Period - 27th January 2011
Due Date - 5th October 2011        (IF PREGNANT)

Maybe i am just being over reactive... but it is weird, especially to me!!

But then again, last year on the 6th feb i had started spotting, which lead onto bleeding which ended up being suspected miscarriage/ectopic! and well i dont have anything like that, nor i do i really have any symptoms!
- i feel dizzy at times, my back hurts at times, i feel sick on and off, i am tired all the time (but thats nothing new) i get tummy cramps and i also feel as thought something inside me is tightening and clenching... and i feel like i am about to come on so i rush to toilet and nothing there! including having itchy nipples and tingling sensations

All of what i am feeling now pretty much i never had last year, and what i had last year i do not have this year...
Thinking about it, i am probably just paranoid.. and thinking somethings gonna happen, when it probably wont! but it is still very worrying, well to me anyway!
I not really spoke to anyone about this either, except mentioning it to my mum and partner and a friend!

Who knows, apart of me thinks that my body is playing tricks on me, as if it was a way for Billie to let me know she/he is around and watching over me.. making sure i dont forget, who knows!!