Owl City - Fireflies

I just wanted to share with you one of the songs that I used to listen to all the time when I was going through my Ectopic Pregnancy. This actually came out in 2009 but I was still listening to it after it came out and was amongst one of my playlists in my phone when I was going back and forth to the hospital on the bus. This song doesn't get played very often because it was played back then and although it isn't a song about a loss it is something that meant a lot to me at the time. To this day I still barely listen to the song and a while back I was out with a friend and this song came on the radio. It was weird to me because it hasn't been played on the radio etc for so long but that day I heard it was weird reasons for that was as I was sitting the car I was thinking about things and out of nowhere this song started playing. It wasn't even advertised it was being played until they played a couple of songs and said what they were.
Sometimes I get weird feelings over different things and I do not get them often but this one blew me away..

In The Blink Of An Eye It's Now Been 10 Years...

Today marks 10 years since I lost my baby and my tube. I am not really sure how to feel at the moment. I think the best way to explain it may be that I just feel numb and kind of lost in a way.

I cannot believe that it has been this long and it hurts a little that when I went through my memories on facebook over the years people who I classed were friends or even those who weren't exactly friends remembered me and my lil angel but over the years they phased out a little and I very rarely have any comments or people checking up on me. Well all except my mum and my best friend. No one else has interacted with me and I guess in a way it is my own fault because I do not talk about it much now but that was because people told me I shouldn't "dwell on it" or that "everyone goes through it it isn't just you" etc etc etc I have heard it all from many different people including people who were supposed to be my friend/family.

And although people have their opinions and yeah some people can just put it to the back of their minds and not think about it nor talk about it I am not like that. I wish I was able to do what people say but I am not heartless. The one thing I have always wanted more than anything was to be a mum and have a family and this is pregnancy was very much wanted and it didn't help the mix up with the hospital and them saying different things like they I was earlier than I thought I was and where I was in and out of hospital having blood tests as well as scans and pregnancy tests examinations etc. At one point they felt that I was having a normal pregnancy because my hormones kept raising differently each time I went in to having bloods done. But because my numbers were still growing and they couldn't see where the pregnancy was thats when they decided that yes I was having an ectopic pregnancy. It was devastating and my heart broke into a million pieces that day I had the methotrexate injection and even more so when today 10 years ago my tube ruptured.

As I reflect on today I have realized that I have spent the last 10 years living in fear and that was because I was terrified of it happening again which is understandable especially since I knew in my heart that IF it happened again and my 2nd tube ruptured then it would be game over. Trouble is as well as I was only 22 at the time and I am 32 now and I probably should've dealt with it better but it didn't help that no one wanted to talk to me about it or even help put my mind at ease anything but I did not have that which is probably why I closed myself off to everything and everyone because in my mind I was protecting myself from more hurt in the future. Unfortunately I cannot change the past and I really wish I could in many ways one of them being that making sure the pregnancy was in the right place and if that wasn't possible then at least learn how to deal with it properly with the right help and support from the people I needed it from the most. Although as I say that I have never really asked for help or support even with some of my mental health issues.

Although I have forgotten/blocked out some of what happened today 10 years ago I will never forget about the baby that was very much wanted and loved even though I didn't know what the outcome would've been..

Christmas 2019 Was A Bit Challenging...

Christmas this year was a weird one for me. I struggled this time around and I was just an emotional mess.

I was adamant that I wanted to be on my own this year and not be around anyone as I felt that this would be the best option for me. I was invited to spend it with my brother his fiance and her family with my mum but I knew that I wouldn't feel comfortable and after having my issues a couple of months ago with medication changes I knew I wouldn't be able to cope with it all. I was invited to spend Christmas with my best friend again this year. She and the family invited me and my mum to join them 3 years ago which was lovely.
After a couple of weeks of trying to work out what I wanted to do I reluctantly decided to go to my friends for Christmas Day. I decided to do it that way so if I had had enough I can just go home whenever I wanted too and not have to worry about anything.
It was lovely had some lovely food and got spoilt with lovely gifts from my friends and her kids. But when her mum and dad and sisters turned up the kids were showered with so many gifts and I started to feel uncomfortable.
Their kids had so many bits brought for them and I just started thinking about my baby that I lost and couldn't help but think about what my child would've been like this year for their Christmas and then wondering what they'd be into whether I had a boy or a girl. I had already been up and down all morning already and during the early part of the afternoon but it had just started to get worse and I just wanted to grab my stuff and leg it out the door!

I'm not jealous or anything, I just wish that I had my friends life she has such a great family and its hard because all my life I have wanted to have kids. Even when she had her eldest I knew I wanted to have kids when I could but it never happened until the day I found out I was pregnant then I started bleeding and lead to loads of scans, blood tests examinations and then after about 2-3 weeks it was said that I was having an ectopic pregnancy and that I had to either have surgery or the injection. Thinking about it now I should've just gone for the surgery not the injection but I wasn't to know that the injection wasn't going to work as it was supposed to.

Hopefully one day I can change my thoughts and feelings and have a family before it is too late *fingers crossed*

Talking Dreams And The Past Never Ends Well...

About a week or so ago I was out for a meal with my mum, brother and his fiance for his birthday and we were talking about dreams and how sometimes they come true in a weird way.
I mentioned the dream that my friend had as she has this kind of gift where she can see things happen and somewhat predict the future slightly. The dream she told me about was when her daughter was pregnant, in the dream she said that the baby was going to be a girl and that she predicted who would be godparents. I wasn't expecting to be asked to be a Godmother again but I was and my friend had messaged me not long after and congratulated me on being asked. I was confused as I had not told anyone at this point but she said that she knew I was going to be picked because it was in her dream. She also mentioned who the other godmother was going to be and the godfathers. She admitted that she got half of the godparents right but didn't expect the choice of the others if that makes sense.
So, after were talking about that my brothers fiance admitted that she had dreams like that and said about her experiences. It was interesting to talk about and learn new things about each other.

I then went on and told about the dream that I had wrote about a few years ago called My Weird Dream I Had... (link opens in new window) I was talking about the dream and how weird it was and odd that I had this dream but never dreamt about anything like it since. I never had a follow up or a change or anything it was that weird that I don't think I had even mentioned it to anyone until that night. I explained about the dream I had and how I was able to have access to my hospital records and I found out about what happened with the Ectopic Pregnancy and was even presented with the info that the baby was a girl. I felt a little worried about sharing it because of the subject and felt that it was a good time to talk about it. But although I shared how the dream went and the information I was given because I was obviously 12 weeks when my tube had ruptured so I would've never got to know what the baby's sex was etc. But the name that I had chosen was a named I liked and knew it was a unisex name.
My reasons for choosing Billie was because I loved the name and I thought it was appropriate and different. I did go through a list with my mum when I was in the waiting room waiting to be examined again.

So yeah, I mentioned the dream and my mum piped up and said that it would've been impossible to learn if the baby was a boy or a girl because it was too early. Obviously, I knew that and that I would probably never get any information from what happened, or know why it happened as I don't think I'll be granted access to my hospital records for my mental health. But this dream that I had at the time was obviously a little comfort I guess, but now I feel ashamed for even mentioning it to anyone especially my family as I thought they'd be understanding or interested to hear about the dream but I was so wrong. It's been playing on my mind since and I wish I had never mentioned it because it kinda hurt me. I've never ever said that oh yeah I think it was a boy or a girl as I knew it was too early to say just never thought that my mum of all people would've made me feel so ashamed to admit that I had a dream like this, especially since my mum had lost our sister 25 weeks into pregnancy and she also suffered a miscarriage before she had my brother.

In future I am just going to keep to blogging information like this because it feels easier than actually talking to anyone about this because I guess there is always going to be someone who doesn't understand or will just be negative.
I know that I have been having a lot of issues recently so I am very sensitive and may have taken it wrong, but I was just so hurt and it bothered me a little..

Having A Few Issues Recently...

6th October would have been my due date which means if I had a normal pregnancy like I was told I was during all the blood tests and examinations at the hospital my baby I lost would be 8 years old. I cannot believe that it has been 8 years well almost 9 years that I lost my baby that I longed and wanted for years!

I am struggling a lot recently with everything. At least 3 people on my friends list that I know of are pregnant and constantly share their weekly updates with pics of their bumps or what their baby would look like during certain weeks of growing etc. and I look at them and I think why has my chance to become a mum isn't working?
Don't get me wrong, I am happy for them that they are lucky enough to have their kids! I will always be happy for them no matter how much I am hurting or feeling about things..

I watch the adverts about babies: for nappies, aptimal, breast feeding etc. and every time I watch these adverts my heart breaks a little more if that is even possible!?

The last few years I have been looking after my best friends kids, one of them is my 6yr old Godson whom I love more than anything! She has 4 but I look after 3 of them, the other 2 are 9 and 4. And I often have breakdowns before going because I don't feel strong enough to look after them! I love my friends kids so much but some days I can't bring myself to be around them.
Admittedly for the last few months I have been doing the same with my sister and I hate myself for it! I love my 3 nephews more than anything but it's difficult to function sometimes, I hate admitting how I feel so most of the time I make up excuses or I just say I'm not in the right frame of mind to be around anyone or just don't want to go out - which in a way is true..

What's worse is, I have no one to talk to about all of this.. Or least that's what it feels like..

Wondering What Ifs...

I have been struggling a little recently, but that is because I was watching various video's on Facebook on hair and nail art and I some how came across some videos of Gender Reveal parties that they have had with their families, or sharing the gender with their children.

At first I thought it was cute, seeing them learn they have a new brother/sister. But then it got me thinking about what things would have been like for me..

Mainly thinking that nothing has happened since I had my first Ectopic Pregnancy in 2010 and never had anything since. My main issue is that I am scared, scared of it happening again and scared of loosing my last remaining tube and that is something that I cannot shake! I really wish I could because the one thing I would love to be more than anything in my life is a mother.
I love having my 3 Nephews and my Godson, and my best friends kids, but that isn't quite enough! But I need that kick I need to stop being scared, stop worrying and stop beating myself up about it all.. Sometimes it's just hard.

Watching these videos really got me thinking and really got to me, I cried along with the kids that were crying because they either got a Sister and wanted a Brother and vice versa. They all got me wondering if I would ever get my miracle and if I did get a miracle would I be blessed with another etc. But knowing how old I am now it's whether I am going to be old enough to have the kids I would love.

I am not strong enough to watch these kinds of video's so I am going to avoid them for now..

Sorry I Have Been Absent, Again...

It's been a while since I posted again, I need to leave the tab for Blogger open so that I can start to keep my blog up to date because especially since I have realised that this blog has been viewed over 30,000 times since I started in Feb 2010 when it was diagnosed that I was having an Ectopic Pregnancy before my tube ruptured a couple of weeks later.

It is crazy to see that it has been 8yrs since I started this blog and that it has been reached by so many people and I am hoping that I am helping to raise some awareness for Ectopic Pregnancy as I did not know anything about this at the time which was a lot to take in and deal with..

My life has not changed much since I lost my baby and my tube, but that is mainly because I still have a slight fear of trying again because I don't want to go through all this again as it was hard enough the first time, don't think I would be strong enough to go through it again. And I feel for those of you who have found my blog who have had 1 or 2 and I have seen other people having more but they was treated with the Methotrexate Injection so they could save their tube.

The last couple of years I taught myself how to Crochet and Knit and I have also tried making keepsakes to help other people who have been through an Ectopic Pregnancy or any kind of pregnancy loss because as the saying goes:

So they should be remembered and you shouldn't feel ashamed to remember them either because in a way I felt like I was made to forget what happened and not acknowledge them, or even told "Why do you want to remember a horrible experience" but after a while I decided that I didn't care what everyone else has to say!

Must Stop Neglecting My Blog...

I feel terrible, I was supposed to keep writing to this blog to help express myself through these blog posts but I seem to have neglected this blog quite a bit.

Half the problem is the fact that I don't have proper internet at the moment, I only have the data on my phone or the mobile wifi which I found doesn't seem to last long enough.

Going to try and keep this blog active now!!

Been A Hard Couple Of Weeks..

15 March 2015 was Mother's Day here in the UK and what made it hard was that my angels angelversary was on the same day :(

It has been 5 years now since I lost my Angel and I still can't work out why everything went wrong :( it's not fair.. 

This year I had a few distractions though, I was picked up Sunday morning and spent some time with my grandparents, dad, aunt and cousins and it was lovely I enjoy spending time with them.. I did want to avoid the internet as much as possible, but I had to go online for something for my dad, and my facebook went off like mad, it was only from the very small handful of people that commented on my wall and pictures..

I only had 4/5 people on my friends list who wrote on my wall to tell me they was thinking of me, what's worse is that I have 240 friends on facebook!!

The rest of the day was spent with my heavily pregnant sister, mum and nephew we had a roast that my mum cooked for us and it was all lovely.

When we got in I set up my candles and lit them in memory of my Angel and all the other angels that had gone too soon.

<3 p="">

Good People Are Hard To Find...

I have a couple of lovely friends on facebook who know about my loss, and they have admitted they will never forget about me and my angel, Billie.. This is what she has left for me tonight:

To some it won't mean much, but to me it means everything.

Thank you for keeping me and my angel, Billie in your thoughts.. It is really hitting me hard this year realizing the things that I am missing out on.. It really does hurt :(

I have had a hard time finding/making friends especially on facebook with an endless amount of problems one after the other and finding people aren't who they claim to be etc.

Even with that in mind, I managed to find a unique special friend in a lady on my friends list. She too lost a baby, a gorgeous little girl she named Tilly. I support her page when I can by making items and donating some of the items that I can make to her page so that she can help raise money for SANDS.

Please take a moment to stop by at her page ~TillyBeansKeepsakes~ForYourLittleAngels~ and give it a like and even spend some time nosing through her page. You will not be disappointed.

Tomorrow Marks The Start Of The Blog...

Tomorrow will mark the day that I started this blog. It is sometimes hard to believe that it has been 5 years since I first started this blog. Upsets me because I feel that nothing has changed and still feel that I have no answers to it all.

I am a little emotional because it means that the next couple of weeks are going to be quite hard for me! March has always been a difficult month for me, because my Nan died on the 6th March 1996 so I struggle with that already, and having my Angel day does make it a little hard for me.

Cannot believe that this is going to be the 5th year since all this has happened and still feel no different..

<3 p="">

Babies Everywhere..

I am starting to struggle a little at the moment, everywhere I turn there are people sharing pictures of their newborn babies, or sharing pictures of their own children and also scans because they've not long got pregnant..

Makes doing things quite hard because all I seem to do is wish it was me!!

This life after my ectopic pregnancy hasn't changed, nothing has improved and I am still in the same situation as I was back in 2010 not knowing the outcome of any of this.

It is also quite hard sometimes with my own family.. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my family, but sometimes I look at my sister and wish it was me and I wish it was my turn :( she's due towards the end of March and my mum and my sister have apparently been talking about how nice it would be if her new baby was born on my Angel's Day :( I don't know how to feel about any of this!

What's worse is that my mum talks about is her grandsons and never mentions or remembers mine.

I am going to be thinking about doing something special this year. Because this year my angel would be 5 and getting ready to start school :( it's not fair

That Heart Breaking Moment When...

The heart breaking moment when your own mum forgets about what I went through!!

Yes.. That's right FORGETS!!

I was flicking through the avon catalogue and found a couple of nice bits that I liked, but decided to get them in the March Birthstone: Aquamarine.

When I get it out and I look at it and she asks what I bought, and when I told her I got March, she kept asking me why.. Asked if it was because I liked the colour or wanted it because it will match my clothes

I didn't know what to say, because that moment I realised that everyone had forgotten.. I didn't expect anyone to remember, but after that day about a week or so back, I have sat down to try and work out how people can forget something like that, and wonder how I can't forget and move on like everyone else has.

It's only a few months left now till it's been 5 years! I don't remember everything now, I have put it to the back of my mind, but it is something that is always on my mind if that makes sense :/

When I hold a baby, spend time with my godson and Nephews and even met a couple of my friends kids, it hurts and I always wish that it was ME and that it was MY turn :(

Feel a little let down by it all if I am honest

Miscarriage Information

In one of the groups I am apart of to do with Ectopic Pregnancy, someone shared a link to another blog, one talking about miscarriages.. I have just read it and I have to say that although it is a post about having a miscarriage, the feelings are still the same even though I've had an Ectopic Pregnancy.

This is quite interesting, and suggest that you should give it a read too:

5 Things I Didn't Know About Miscarriages, Until I Had One.

(link opens in new window)

I am pretty sure that someone, like myself can relate to the information shared above.

Thinking Ahead Can Be Tough..

After talking to a woman a see from MIND this morning I have been thinking more and more and more about what I told her to do with the future.

I guess I didn't realize how scared I am of the outcome.. I would give everything to have my own family.. And after thinking about the way that things went, made me realise that I could've done everything so different :(

If I had opted for surgery the same day I was told that I could either have surgery or an injection... Thinking about it now, I really wish I had done more for myself instead of just taking the injection to see if that worked..

Really, I should've made it so that I had my last blood test instead of giving up because I couldn't get to the hospital.

If anything.. As time goes on I feel more guilty for the way I dealt with everything :'( I guess it didn't help that I didn't quite know what to expect and didn't have any kind of understanding of the situation until I googled information for Ectopic Pregnancy and realised that the pain I was in was because of the tube rupturing.

Really wish I could move on and feel a little better about the situation instead of feeling more guilty every day.. I don't want to forget what happened, just wish I could learn to deal with it properly or at least find someway of coping with it.

It's 2015 so I plan to make some changes to myself and hope to be able make myself feel and look better and attempt to solve the ache in my heart and to stop worrying about what hasn't happened yet.