A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes...

Over the last few weeks I have been having so many dreams about babies.

These dreams are either being pregnant, having multiple losses or even having children.

In a way it is a little disturbing because I always wake up feeling confused and a little hurt, I guess my body/biological clock is telling me to get a move on and have kids, but my heart isn't ready.. I would give anything to have my own baby or even have lots of children, I love children and babies!! Worst part of being around them is when they go home to their house or when I leave because it is just empty.. No sounds of giggling or talking nothing.

Silence really makes everything hit hard.. I need to 'get over' or deal with my problems before I do anything, but I am scared that I am running out of time!

I am currently taking hormone replacements due to some problem I have.. But I have been told to stop taking them after Christmas.. Not sure if it is worth not taking them next month, see how I get on and see how it goes!

I've heard so many people say, the more you want something, the longer it takes to happen!

Personally, I wasn't expecting to actually get pregnant when I did, and then to have my losses within 2 months was just awful.

Counselling Confusion..

About a week or so ago, I saw my CPN at the local mental health center regarding my BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and in a few sessions before hand, I had mentioned that I was after some kind of counselling that my GP suggested to talk about before she decided to give me some kind of birth control before I think about having children because she felt I should get my BPD, Depression & Anxiety under control before I rush into something which is fair enough especially since I have had so many problems over the last 2 years due to bleeding too much too often.

Whilst I was at my appointment with my CPN I asked about the things I asked her a few months back about changing my medication because what I am taking already isn't really doing anything if anything, I feel worse and nothing is helping to make me feel better about anything.. And if she had found out any information for me to get some kind of counselling with loosing my baby due to my rupture ectopic. She looked through her paperwork and said she couldn't find anything, but did find something to do with Child Birth etc. said I should contact them and see if they offer any services to do with what I went through... So I thought about it and mentioned it to someone else who I see for 1 to 1 sessions and felt that it was no help at all!! How can a child birth and help with post natal depression etc. help me with my ruptured ectopic?

Tell you what, it is time like these when I wish I could be a counseller or something along those lines to actually help and listen to people properly and to offer some support instead of being left to deal with everything!