Goodbye 2014 Hello 2015

It's that time of year again saying a big goodbye to 2014 and saying hello to 2015.

Every year I hope things will change, but they never do, so this time around I am not going to expect anything, least that way I can't get my hopes up and I shouldn't get too disappointed when nothing happens.

Only good thing to keep my optimistic for 2015 is knowing that in March I will be an Auntie again and I will have a new nephew =D I am very happy about this and cannot wait as I've got my sister and my bestie putting me on nappy changing duties!! This should get me back into the swing of things and then also help with my fears..

The one thing that does worry me with my sister being due in March is the anniversary of our Nan's death, and also the 15th March is the day that I had the emergancy operation to treat my ruptured ectopic and remove my tube.

The only person I know that has a child born on that day is my friend who lives in London, she has a little boy.

As from January I will no longer be on the HRT that the doctor put me on to help with my periods, I am worried about whats going to happen with that, but we have been talking and have been talking about trying again, I am terrified.. But I need to get over my fears before it is too late.

I just want to say a huge thank you to those of you who are reading my blog, and wishing you all a happy new year, all the best for 2015

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Thank God That's Over...

That's Christmas over and done with for another year.

I did have a few tears, but I made sure these were done in secret as I don't like to draw attention to myself or then have people worried about me and then try to hug me etc.

Didn't want to get up Christmas Day in the end I wasn't tired or cold, just wasn't interested in it.

I did spend a couple of hours with my sister, brother in law and my nephew which was nice, and I am glad that they invited us, it was a little hard whilst we were there, but that is because I know that I haven't got what they have.. I am not jealous, far from that, I just see these new experiences my sister goes through and I know that I should be experiencing something similar but I am not.

Got the New Year to see in and then I don't have to worry about anything for a few months now at least lol

Lost The Christmas Spirit...

It's Christmas Eve today, and all over my facebook are people sharing their stories of putting out things for Santa and his reindeer.. Some people have given the reindeer carrots or special food, and they've given Santa milk and cookies or even a mince pie.

But it is hard for me to read, because this is something I am supposed to be doing, keeping the magic of Christmas alive for the sake of my child, but due to the circumstances this is something that I am missing out on. It does hurt me, it hurts me very much but I don't want to admit that I am struggling to anyone because no one understands..

I wasn't going to share this, I really tried to be strong but it is so hard.

Even though I have an almost 2 year old nephew it still makes it hard for me, but I love him more than life itself, and if I cannot spoil my own children then the next best thing is him.

If I could wish for anything in the world, I would wish that I could go back and alter my body some how to make my baby grow in my uterus instead of my left tube, or if it cannot bring back the one I love, at least bless me with a child to help ease my pain, not to replace the one I lost, but to help heal my ache that it is in my heart and hear someone call me mummy...

Getting a little emotional now, perhaps this is what I needed to do, I do need someone to talk to, someone who can help me, but it is a little hard when I do not open up or let people in..

It's when the years start to fly by so quick that you realise just how much you are missing out on, and all the things that you teach you're children etc. that it doesn't get any easier as the years go on! I would love to say yeah in 3 or 4 years down the line that things do get easier, but they really don't!!

Almost Christmas Time, Again!

Today, I spent the whole day with my dad, step-mum, sister, nephew, Aunts, Uncles and Cousins!

It was a very busy day, but watching my nephew running around laughing and playing with everyone made me stop and think about the other little one that should be running around with my nephew! A lot of people have forgotten about it, and forgotten my Angel, but I haven't and don't think I will ever forget that little ache in my heart that I get when I've realized that I don't have my little one here, learning about Christmas and getting stockings and presents ready..

I do have to admit, within the last 4 years I have always dreaded Christmas's, birthdays etc. because it is a constant reminder that I am getting older and nothing is changing, nothing is improving..

But, for the first time, I am looking forward to Christmas Day, as I'm spending the evening at my sister's place with her, her hubby & my nephew.

I have to admit, this year I have felt a little better about things, and I have actually spent a fair amount of money and bought some nice bits - I just hope everyone will like them lol

But, it is the thought that counts, so I just hope it count's enough ;)

There will always be one missing.

xx My Angel xx